Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Supervised Contact

72 replies

CheeryGreyScroller · 18/11/2024 17:35

Posting here for advice more than an AIBU.

I have a 13 week old DD, have been split from her dad since I was 6 week pregnant. He had no involvement and has not met DD at all so far, he barely even asks how she is and has provided nothing so far (no money, no clothes, zilch). Ss undertook a risk assessment with ex when DD was 2 weeks old and has recommended that he has supervised contact in an independent contact center due to risk and alot of unknowns in relation to him and his family. So far nothing came of this until today. He has emailed me a list of contact centers and availability that they have for me to consider and get back to him. However he has stated he wants longer than an hour a week and he wants me present in his contacts. The latter is a concern in itself.

Ive never been in this situation before I'd really like to hear if anyone knows more about contact center situations as ss have basically said its my circus to deal with now the recommendation has been made. How many hours is reasonable? Should a handover be done? Ground rules & boundaries etc?

AIBU to offer an hour a week with the opportunity to increase this?

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeryGreyScroller · 18/11/2024 17:39

The only issue is I'm due back at work in the next few months so need to sort nursery etc and increasing and changing expectations with this constantly is going to make life pretty unmanageable. As by the sounds of it SS have recommended this as a long term thing for now.

OP posts:
mimi1962 · 18/11/2024 17:40

The contact is a starting point, not permanent, this needs to be explained to him. I would offer an incremental increase so long as the initial ones go well.

I may offer 1 hour for 2 weeks but.whst does he expect if baby is sleeping?

Is there anyone else who could supervise contact. Is he using this to get to you???

warofthetimemachines · 18/11/2024 17:41

Contact centres cost money. Presumably he should pay that although technically it might be usual to split the cost (but he should also be paying you maintenance). So asking for more hours would mean more cost to him.
And just tell him no, the supervised contact is for him to meet his child and learn to care for her, supervised and assessed by professionals. It’s not an excuse for him to see you.

Original poster
CheeryGreyScroller · 18/11/2024 17:53

Is there anyone else who could supervise contact. Is he using this to get to you???

No there isn't anyone else to supervise. My side of the family are either in ill health or im LC with, so wouldn't be appropriate in this situation. His side of the family are inappropriate due to numerous factors, aswell as openly stating they would not report any risk or concerns.

Also yes he is using DD to get to me, he has been very open about the fact that he only wants to see DD if I'm present and that, aswell as some other comments to myself AND ss, is one of the reasons why they said his contact needs independently supervised.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeryGreyScroller · 18/11/2024 17:56

@warofthetimemachines it was specifically stated by ss in writing that he alone had to fund the contact center. I won't be agreeing to finance any of this.

OP posts:
warofthetimemachines · 18/11/2024 17:58

CheeryGreyScroller · 18/11/2024 17:56

@warofthetimemachines it was specifically stated by ss in writing that he alone had to fund the contact center. I won't be agreeing to finance any of this.

Excellent. Very good they put that in writing for you considering the situation.

mitogoshigg · 18/11/2024 17:58

Contact centres are not generally long term, they are to transition and observe. You do not need to meet him, you will settle your dc in the room with the volunteer then leave the room (there may be a waiting area or you can go out) he then arrives and has the contact session supervised by the volunteer as needed, he then leaves dc with the volunteer and leaves the building, then you come back. Mothers' Union run them across the country

mitogoshigg · 18/11/2024 18:01

Oh and most contact centres run for 2 hours once a month, I host one at work

Wigglywoowho · 18/11/2024 18:02

I think you'd be better to contact the contact center and see what they suggest. They will be dealing with these situations all the time. I don't think you should be at his contact. The contact is being supervised so your presence is unnecessary. If he doesn't want to attend without you present then the contact is more about you than about the baby. I think an hour once a week is reasonable for a month. If he is consistent and the contact centre raises no concerns you could go up to twice a week for an hour month. Then increase the hour to two hours.

Birminghamx · 18/11/2024 18:06

Though the SS have said they have no long term involvement (quite reasonably) they may well be okay with a phone call for advice. It could be reasonable for you to stay a short while the first or even second time to settle your child but the whole point is that it's contact with the dad. Do you think he's looking for contact with you instead?

Hankunamatata · 18/11/2024 18:07

I would tell him you won't be present and will consider increasing from an hour after 4 supervised visits.

Starlightstarbright3 · 18/11/2024 18:07

There is a reason they have recommended this ..

so use a contact centre with hours that work for you on return to work. My ex used to see Ds once a fortnight for two hours .

follow Ss advice . It protects you and Dd .

if he refuses without you then you have evidence you offered .

My ex also was only interested in Ds to see me . It soon fizzled out .

Do not include you in this access

Snorlaxo · 18/11/2024 18:09

I would say no to you being present at contact. Hopefully this will mean that he drops the idea or contact.

As pp said contact centres are a short term solution and I would propose weekly 1 hour contact for say 4 weeks before increasing to 2 hour weekly contact for 4 weeks. He needs to prove consistency if he’s serious about contact and leave it up to him to apply for unsupervised if he manages 8 weeks. He should pay 100% of the cost of the contact centre then if he gets this far the Child Arrangement Order.

OneBlackHeart · 18/11/2024 18:17

Speak to the contact centres as they will have a process and will explain it to you.

I use to arrive early and hide is a side room then a staff member took child through to see dad and supervise contact then they brought child back to me and kept him busy for a few minutes while I got away.

There is absolutely no requirement for you to be in the room. That is the whole point of a contact centre. If you wait in a separate room baby can be brought to you if breastfeeding.

My advice is agree to the one hour a week initially. If he keeps to that then discuss with contact centre increasing. Don't progress out if contact centre without a court order. For that he will take you to court and you show the paperwork you have saying supervised contact. If you allow unsupervised they looks bad on you and like there is no risk.

Get it in writing from SS their recommendations. Do a SAR to get the records because when it comes to court you will want that and can't rely on them not to change their recommendations without being clear it's a change

Original poster
CheeryGreyScroller · 18/11/2024 18:28

His views on these sessions are that it is a tick box exercise for us to end up as a family. He has told SS that that is his end goal and he will make sure he gets that. I have said no numerous times. Both to being present at the contact center sessions and facilitating contact myself, he has also requested that i facilitating contact separately alongside his center sessions when i posed the 2 hour weekly sessions. I immediately declined and outlined that he wont be having contact outside of those sessions at all. These are reasons why the ss want his contact supervised long term but in reality its just not possible for me to rearrange my life around facilitating contact adjustments like this forever just to make sure he has no opportunity to use DD as a pawn towards me.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeryGreyScroller · 18/11/2024 18:58

Does anyone know how much contact center sessions are?

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeryGreyScroller · 18/11/2024 19:11

Thank you @PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister I've just found that on Google as I posted. He's just said he (apparently) can't afford anything more than £100 per month which I don't think anywhere will provide something regular on that cost.

Im refusing to budge on needing to chip in as im surviving on Mat pay and it's not like he's hard up, he's on full sick benefits (no disability) and lives with his mum so pays no housing costs or anything plus pays nothing towards his child so why should I have to fork out another bill ontop of ones i already have (Sorry for the rant).

OP posts:
Wigglywoowho · 18/11/2024 19:13

CheeryGreyScroller · 18/11/2024 19:11

Thank you @PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister I've just found that on Google as I posted. He's just said he (apparently) can't afford anything more than £100 per month which I don't think anywhere will provide something regular on that cost.

Im refusing to budge on needing to chip in as im surviving on Mat pay and it's not like he's hard up, he's on full sick benefits (no disability) and lives with his mum so pays no housing costs or anything plus pays nothing towards his child so why should I have to fork out another bill ontop of ones i already have (Sorry for the rant).

Oh well. Then he can only manage contact fortnightly.

lovemetomybones · 18/11/2024 19:19

It also depends on the type of contact, if you want him to have one to one with a person present I was quoted £140 per session. Around £70 if it's in a supervised room where there are other families and supervisors but not on a 1 to one ratio. I was quoted these prices a decade ago, so they may have changed.

lovemetomybones · 18/11/2024 19:21

I was also told he could have a maximum of 16 sessions then I had to facilitate contact with a nominated person. None of this happened as the courts granted him no protection physical access.

Original poster
CheeryGreyScroller · 18/11/2024 19:34

@lovemetomybones that's my concern that if it ends up in court then the supervision aspect may not even be agreed so it would of all been a waste of time trying to protect my DD.

But I'm assuming court will cost more than a contact center right?

OP posts:
Wigglywoowho · 18/11/2024 19:44

CheeryGreyScroller · 18/11/2024 19:34

@lovemetomybones that's my concern that if it ends up in court then the supervision aspect may not even be agreed so it would of all been a waste of time trying to protect my DD.

But I'm assuming court will cost more than a contact center right?

I don't think it's a waste of time irrespective of what a court decided. It gives you and DC time. DC will grow and become less vulnerable.

TheShellBeach · 18/11/2024 19:55

If he's only using the contact centre to try to see you, and he's dangerous to you, you must make that clear to the centre.

As soon as he discovers that you won't be present, he'll get tired of the contact.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

grumpygrape · 18/11/2024 20:27

CheeryGreyScroller · 18/11/2024 19:34

@lovemetomybones that's my concern that if it ends up in court then the supervision aspect may not even be agreed so it would of all been a waste of time trying to protect my DD.

But I'm assuming court will cost more than a contact center right?

You may be able to get your legal costs paid for if there was violence in the relationship or he has a record. I assume there was something which triggered Social/Children's Services.

If you are right in thinking he is more interested in contact with you than spending time with your (joint) child then if he discovers he won't get to see you at the Contact Centre he may just give up.