Supervised Contact

[CheeryGreyScroller]

Posting here for advice more than an AIBU.

I have a 13 week old DD, have been split from her dad since I was 6 week pregnant. He had no involvement and has not met DD at all so far, he barely even asks how she is and has provided nothing so far (no money, no clothes, zilch). Ss undertook a risk assessment with ex when DD was 2 weeks old and has recommended that he has supervised contact in an independent contact center due to risk and alot of unknowns in relation to him and his family. So far nothing came of this until today. He has emailed me a list of contact centers and availability that they have for me to consider and get back to him. However he has stated he wants longer than an hour a week and he wants me present in his contacts. The latter is a concern in itself.

Ive never been in this situation before I'd really like to hear if anyone knows more about contact center situations as ss have basically said its my circus to deal with now the recommendation has been made. How many hours is reasonable? Should a handover be done? Ground rules & boundaries etc?

AIBU to offer an hour a week with the opportunity to increase this?

I dont believe he will ever be a safe parent. Hes done nothing since we split to reduce these risks and nothing since DD has been born to prove he is changing, only lied that he has been changing. So I don't see how he's going to change in the future when he's already had over a year.

i don't know what the expectation of long term contact is, i was under the impression that it was implied that supervised contact is the only contact he will ever be able to have, which is the point of my threat because I have no idea how it is expected that I am able to manage contact centers long term when I need to go back to work and live my life.

I suppose I need to ask these questions when I see the social worker, To get a clear understanding of what the actual process requirements are because sure he could turn up to 5 or so contacts sober and change a few nappies but does that then make him a safe parent? I don't think so but the contact center might.

Yes speak to the social worker as I don't believe they will be involved for ever if you are committing to not allowing unsupervised contact

No that won't be the plan. No ones going to pay for contact centre's for the next 16 years.

The plan is usually for them to build up care experience at the contact and reduce the amount of time at the centre.

You don't have to see the person at a contact centre and if you are breast feeding it will be some time before he can have more than an hour as it is what is best for the baby that determines it, not him. If supervised contact has been ordered then contact centre will have to provide someone. Costs should be halved between you. Have you checked that you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to including his contribution which can be taken straight from his pay by Child Maintenance (although they are not on the ball)?

Have you got security around your home If he's threatening to just turn up? You might be want to get a ring doorbell or some security.

You should also set you phone up in case of an emergency

https://support.google.com/android/answer/9319337?hl=en-GB#zippy=%2Cset-up-and-turn-emergency-sos-on-or-off%2Ccontrol-emergency-broadcast-notifications%2Csend-your-location-automatically

I think a parenting app is good. Our family wizard is meant to be good although I hate the name.

TBH, I'd be inclined to move, come off social media, become invisible on the electrol register and go missing. He's a risk to you and your child and he doesn't have PR.

@MotherJessAndKittens I won't be splitting or paying any costs unless a court specifically orders that. He doesn't pay anything to me for DD, hasn't bought even a pack of nappies, a bib. nothing. I don't even want his money, I can afford DDs needs on my own but it's unreasonable to expect me to also cover a bill for his contact on top of everything else I'm financing on a 20 hour week wage whilst he's wasting full benefits on an addicts lifestyle.

@Wigglywoowho yes I've got home security and the Holly guard app set up.

You need to simply stick to whatever it is that has been recommended by SS and don't engage any further. So, he's provided a list of contact centres - select the one that works for you logistically and the time, and tell him that. "Saturday at Contact centre 1 at 13:00-1400 as per the SS guidelines, with supervised contact from the centre". To be sure, you could double check directly with the centre how they handle supervised contact when you are not able/willing to be the person providing the supervision.

then just try to ignore everything else. If he refuses and comes back wtih a counter offer, you just restate what you are agreeing to, in line with SS recommendations. No explanations, no justifications, no compromises.

he can rant about wanting to be a family all he likes. But 1. You are under no obligation to be in a relationship with him just because he wants you to be and, no matter how bad the court system is, no court will insist that you are and 2. he is consistently demonstrating that he is not an active or engaged father with his behaviour.

Is he on birth certificate?

You should not and do not need to attend - however your baby needs to get to and from the venue, do you have anyone who can help you?

You pack a bag with all baby needs and write down times of feeds in a note book or anything else important that he needs to know, do not respond to any other notes from him.

If you have a risk assessment saying supervised contact in a contact centre, do not worry about court - he could take you back to court sure but would need an updating assessment to show situation has changed - he sounds like he is playing games.

Contact centre time isn't indefinite. I was offered 16 sessions (that I had to pay for).

With light of your new evidence I would not even offer contact centre. I would say take me to court, hire a solicitor and go from there. He has no PR, SS have decided that he is a risk. I know it's going against their advice, but really I wouldn't ask him to take care of a pet let alone a baby. He currently has no legal responsibility or right (that may change if courts decide- but let him take you to court) let him do this rather than you.

Let him do the work, he wants to see her he needs to sort the legal matters.

Mostly this but I think you know it's you he wants to see OP so don't give him the satisfaction.
Courts rarely go against CAFCASS or Children's Services advice and if they say supervised that's what will be ordered
I am with many other PPs saying I doubt he'll take you to Court.

There are independent supervised contact services who can help with issues like this. They can supervise it instead of you having to be present, especially if you consider that a risk. An hour a week or more is potentially reasonable, but it would all be done on your terms since you're the resident parent.

Speak to your solicitor about this if you have one and they can recommend independent services to give him the contact he wants, communicate thoroughly with you and set your mind at rest.

If you're in the North East, there are several services available that I know of. One in Sunderland and one that operates throughout the whole of the North East. If you're somewhere else, do some research and seek some advice on this cos it might be the best solution for everyone involved.

Jesus, and we wonder why the Casey/Angiolino reports were so excoriating, nothing ever changes. Get your MP involved, they can go to the top of the tree re police and hopefully give them a boot up the arse. Try your local council's VAWG team, they may bee able to offer support. If you are able to afford any legal advice, you may want to look into a non-molestation order, although you are able to file one yourself without any legal help. They are a civil tool but should you be granted one and if he breaks the terms, it does become a criminal matter.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It may be the regulations but unfortunately not all social workers follow them.

Why do you think costs should be halved between them?

OP you do not have to offer any contact at all. SS have advised that any contact should be supervised but they cannot make you offer contact even if they wanted to.
Given that he doesn't have PR and doesn't have much money I would simply be saying that contact is not safe and not in DD's interest and wait for him to make an application to court, which he may never do. Given the history the social work assessment should be taken into consideration if he ever does apply to court.

This isn't the case in every family/situation, blanket statements aren't helpful

If I were you, I'd prefer to be present for the contact.

That's actually the worse thing the OP can do.

Unfortunately some people cannot distinguish between a parent and their child. The child's father is clearly one of them.

The child's father needs to make a relationship with his child. He isn't likely to bother when he realises the OP is not part of that contact.

You are getting so much different information here .

i would A be clear contact needs to take place on a Saturday or Sunday as i am returning to work . ( depending on work days)

when you have details of contact centres that work within that timeframe let me know and we will see if it can work logistically . I will be clear I will not be attending any contact sessions .

leave the ball in his court - there likely is waiting list regardless . If he actually makes the effort .

ignore - litterally don’t reply to anything about any comments on his feelings - never reply immediately.

repeat the sentence about contact me when you have found contact centre.

He loves any interaction / response don’t give him any .

@Starlightstarbright3 I work shifts so it's not guaranteed that an hour on a Saturday or Sunday would always work for me. This is why I can't really keep faffing around wondering if the next email he sends is him actually being serious about contact or just waiting my time because I'm likely going to have to provide notice to work for 1 set day off to facilitate contact and exchanging DD because by the time I'm back at work it will be too late to beg for rota changes and nursery days moved.

He hasn't been back in touch since Tuesday morning after I told him to stop diverting the conversation away from contact and to provide me with location details. His last message was simply "oh well, i'll just wait until the ss close their case next month and come to your door lol since you hate me so much, bye". 🙄 its just draining honestly.

OP, I think it would be a good idea if you log that last message with SsS and non-urgent Police. Just for the record.