Supervised Contact

[CheeryGreyScroller]

Posting here for advice more than an AIBU.

I have a 13 week old DD, have been split from her dad since I was 6 week pregnant. He had no involvement and has not met DD at all so far, he barely even asks how she is and has provided nothing so far (no money, no clothes, zilch). Ss undertook a risk assessment with ex when DD was 2 weeks old and has recommended that he has supervised contact in an independent contact center due to risk and alot of unknowns in relation to him and his family. So far nothing came of this until today. He has emailed me a list of contact centers and availability that they have for me to consider and get back to him. However he has stated he wants longer than an hour a week and he wants me present in his contacts. The latter is a concern in itself.

Ive never been in this situation before I'd really like to hear if anyone knows more about contact center situations as ss have basically said its my circus to deal with now the recommendation has been made. How many hours is reasonable? Should a handover be done? Ground rules & boundaries etc?

AIBU to offer an hour a week with the opportunity to increase this?

It sounds like you are dealing with my ex, to a tee, I could have written the exact same posts as you... (does his name begin with J?!)

I feel for you, if he's anything like mine he will lose interest pretty sharpish when he realises he can't use DD to get to you, and he won't take you to court.

Tbh the cost of court for CAO, PSO etc was well worth it for peace of mind so worth thinking about.

Op may I ask why is their risk and do you even want your baby around him ?
They usually separate parents so the visiting parent gets that time with the child. Also usually after contact centre requirements have been met the usual process is un-facilitated contact out with. Be warned if you allow this to happen as in the contact in by law if he requests outwith after having met the Centre requirements for however period of time you won't have a leg to stand on and they will grant access should he take it to court/ or should you revoke . Please weigh up what's in the child's best interest as I suspect there's a element of domestic/ abuse in this that social services are worried and advice a centre they don't unless there is reason for concern . I wish you the best 💛

I can only speak from my own experience. My ex was extremely volatile and violent, I started with a prohibited steps order to ensure her primary residence was always with me. That was pretty straightforward as he agreed, but then it progressed into access. He represented himself (which I would never advise) and I had solicitor and barristers to represent me in court. My case was complex and messy involved a criminal case as well as family court. Even though I was on a section (45??) and MARAC getting legal aid was almost impossible. It cost an absolute fortune and lasted two years!

He ultimately lost access because of his wild behaviour in court. Sad all round but gave me a number of powers I didn't have before. For example I can take her out of the country without his permission, residence is with me etc.

My case is absolutely not typical of a court hearing and unless you have a lot of proof of harm I doubt you would get a similar outcome (tbh I was not expecting the outcome I got)

I suggest you go down the contact centre route, offer it as a way of contact, he has to pay, you definitely will not be there. I bet he looses interest soon. If he steps it up, let him his next step is mediation. (I skipped this step). Mediation is costly too (both sides pay- my husband was told it was £160 per session £250 if he wanted the meeting recorded as evidence- and that was his contribution not including hers) all of this cost might absolutely put him off if his agenda is to get to you.

I absolutely feel for you, it's the worst time (was hands down the worst time of my life, I needed counselling afterwards ) but it does end and resolutions do happen x

The main risks are that he has addiction issues that he's still trying to hide, he's emotionally manipulative, when he hears the word no or doesn't get his own way he becomes aggressive and threatens suicide (like numerous times a day not just as a one off comment), he's made some choice comments about children to both myself and ss about how children are greedy and spoilt so he will only provide affection and food when he deems it appropriate. He still lives at home, where his DB is a registered sex offender (I didn't know this until ss report)but apparently it wasn't DBs fault, his DS attacked me when i was 7m pregnant (apparently its nothing to do with him what his family do), DD has a lung issue and he has refused to make a smoke free environment for her to see him, he allegedly suddenly gets headaches that leave him unable to function.

Due to the above and the fact he doesnt recognise his own risk or that of others plus his family have stated that they won't report concerns have ruled out unsupervised contact at all.

*edited the above is alongside the risk of him openly voicing the fact that he only wants anything to do with DD IF I am present.

Personally I don't want him to have contact with DD at all as I don't think it's ever going to be appropriate but I'd rather it be done in a controlled safe environment than a court order providing it without. A requirement by ss is for him to seek out, arrange and finance the contact as they think that will hopefully reduce the risk or atleast show that its actual effort and not purely to see me.

However, even without that requirement, I refuse to contribute to that based on the fact that I work part time and have a house, bills, DD and soon childcare to provide so I really don't see why I should also have another bill of his contact on top of my own. He bled my savings dry when I was with him, I refuse to let him do it again.

I would suggest only offer times/days that are convenient to you.
Refuse to contribute monetarily.
If he goes ahead, work closely with the Contact Centre to ensure you are ‘hidden’ from him at all times and that your baby has a Contact Centre representative with her at all times. They should ensure you can arrive after him and you and baby leave before him.
If he’s insistent you are present and you aren’t he’ll probably lose interest or go to Court, either of which are easier for you.

I hate to say this but some children are better off not having a relationship with one, or in some cases both, of their parents.

Make sure you do the SAR with social services so you have evidence of there recommendations.

Does he have PR? Do you want your baby to have a relationship with their father? If no to both is he likely to go to Court with all the costs involved to try and gain contact? In any case absolutely don't contribute financially or be present. If SS have no concerns about your parenting they would likely close the case at that point. SS are saying supervised contact only if you choose to allow contact. Surely they are not saying contact must take place? I would clarify with SS.

@WhoInvitedHer No he doesn't have PR, he's not on her BC. I personally don't want anything to do with him as the threats and harrassment make me uncomfortable. Ss are starting to wean off their involvement now the risk assessment and recommendations have been complete but they said they didn't want to leave me vulnerable to the harassment increasing if nothing was in place before they end. However they have just gone and told him that they won't be involved anymore come new year which I specifically asked them not to tell him beforehand as I knew he would use this to his advantage which he is now as an attempt to blackmail me by saying he will just start turning up at my door until he sees us.

I don't think he would pursue court mainly because i know he can't afford it but I think he's also worried that if he does go down that route then the court will likely end any hope he has of trying to have any contact with me. I honestly would prefer a detailed type order from the court rather than ss making recommendations but not actually helping in the situation.

Would it help if you went to the police and told them that he's threatening to come to your door to harass you?

He sounds dangerous.

I have contacted the police on numerous occasions about the harassment/threats and the assault from his sister, the harassment and threats could only be logged because apparently words aren't a crime and anything physical hadnt been committed, so there wasnt anything they could do about it. The incident with the sister was followed up and logged but was a case of he said she said as there was no witness to the assault even though i had injuries and was heavily pregnant.

Ive also reported every incident with the ss, who just tell me to keep calling the police.

He doesn't have PR and he is a risk - you can go to court to get a Child Arrangements Order, you have the SS risk assessment append to your application which is £230.
What type of contact centre has he sent you to consider - is it one with volunteers, usually open twice a month on Saturdays for 2 hour sessions, or a professional one staffed by qualified workers?
He wants the contact so he pays, you do not have to attend other than take your child there and collect, you do not have to see him. Stay near as she is being introduced to a new person she does not know and is likely to be upset and the staff will want to return her to you.

You do not see him at the contact centre. The centre must be very clear and make it clear to him too that you won’t be present.

tough luck if he can’t afford it. He will only be able to book the sessions he can pay for. In court you will be able to evidence no child Maintenece payments and the SS advice.

i think he will grow tired of paying for contact when it doesn’t allow him to access you.

make sure you don’t fall into the trap of back and forth emails and if he is a danger to you insist he communicates via a parenting app which can be submitted to court. If he’s dangerous to you get a non molestation order

@sterli2323 I believe the set up we need has to include a written report after each session and a safe handover, which I assume will be costly compared to the volunteer set up. So far he hasn't actually provided any locations so I don't think he has even bothered contacting anyone yet as he's just asking how far I'll be willing to travel for a center and moaning about how he wont be able to afford Christmas now.

To be fair to SS they don't need to be involved as you are clearly capable of protecting your child and they can't do anything to stop the father harassing you and that is a police matter. SS is there when neither parent keeps the child safe.

It seems likely that he will go to court at some point so be squeaky clean your end.
Is he on the bc?
An hour a week should be ok but you don't need to be there (although you probably want to stay on site so that contact centre workers can bring baby to you if v distressed).
You might want to call them up to ask how they manage this.
Then get back to him offering dates and times and make it clear you won't be joining in the session - no need to JADE justify argue decent or explain.

He's unlikely to go ahead with it if you won't be there but you have an evidence trail that you offered

I take it he's not on bc? You don't have to do anything ss have said, its not a court order. Who's paying for the contact centre? When they say supervised are they actually present the whole time during contact and making notes? As some don't do that. Let him go to court if you are concerned.

@Temporaryname158 is there an app you can recommend?

Ss have made it clear that i need to manage communication with him about contact but im finding communicating very difficult between us and i dont even want to engage with him at all because its just a vicious very tiring circle where he starts off with it being about contact and DD then he trails off into essays about feelings and his wants/expectations etc, then when I try and steer it back to the subject of contact it turns into 1 word answers. It's infuriating but would be useful evidence to a court that I'm actually (unwillingly) attempting to engage about contact but he's just not interested unless I engage in stupid conversations about love and being a family. It's draining more than anything else.

Sorry, just seen updates. They weren't showing a minute ago.

Just leave the ball in his court. He sounds like a deadbeat who won't take it any further.

Sounds like SS are merely saying contact not safe to be unsupervised not that contact should take place. Is he ever likely to turn into a safe parent? If not what is the point of contact long term?

Social worker here. That's not true, if one parent is a risk, there will be involvement regardless of whether the other parent is safeguarding.

Not in my Local Authority

Yep in all authorities.

Agree to contact centre visits but make it very clear you won’t be there.

He will probably give up and stop contact once he realises he isn’t getting access to you.