engagement ignoral

[mamechange]

AIBU to be a bit pissed off with my sister for not congratulating my son and fiancee on their engagement. Not even a like on facebook or insta. And I picked up my parents who were staying with her that day and said" it will be nice for mum to see the ring and give GS and fiancee ( name) a kiss"". Sis said nothing. Saw them all together again next day , which happened to be the day after my birthday and she said really loudly" no mum it's just a present from you and dad - nothing to do with me" Twice ( my parents are getting pretty deaf but I'm not)
I don't think she likes me does she?

Someone telling you they have got engaged is an odd one. I’m not sure what my reaction would be as I’m not sure anyone has ever told me that. I’d probably say that’s nice?

To my ears, it’s someone telling me that, at this point in time, they have found someone who they like and who likes them enough that, at some unspecified point in the future, they plan to, and may or may not, make a vow. One that they may or may not keep, that they have a relationship that they’d like to last so they are going to make it as legally complicated to end it as they can. But they can end it if they want to of course. Which is nice and I’m glad they are happy.

Im trying to think of any point in my life where someone has told me they are engaged or posted about it on social media and I’m drawing a complete blank. Maybe she is the same and doesn’t know what to say?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. There is clearly a back story as well so it's difficult to fully understand. If someone tells me they got engaged, or if I hear that someone in the family got engaged from MIL (DH has a bit family) then I get a card and a John Lewis voucher or similar. But some people don't worry about such stuff, I think the only reason I do it is because it's tradition and maybe I'm a bit old fashioned.

Same here. I might not communicate directly but if my nephew or niece got engaged I’d say something to my sister like ‘that’s so exciting, send them love and congratulations’. To not acknowledge it at all when it comes up in conversation is weird.

I think she's been ingnorous. The sheer ignoramy of it cannot be ignorated. At least you've not covered yourself in ignory OP, so are the better person here.

I couldn’t get worked up about social media - I miss most of the posts. Your son is just her nephew. I really wouldn’t worry. 🤷‍♀️

Congratulations on what?? An engagement is hardly an achievement!! Maybe she would feel like a phoney/liar saying congrats when (understandably) she wouldn't mean it or didn't feel it was something worth congratulating on.

But it's normal to say something nice like "that's nice". So it would be weird if she didn't say something when addressed specifically and directly.

Why would you not know what to say? It's fairly normal for people to say nice remarks when something nice happens to someone. What planet is everyone on today??

Is this part of the mumsnet alternative universe where we have to pretend we don't like weddings, answering the door, having friends or celebrating your own birthday?

It sounds as though your DS and his aunt aren't particularly close.

He hasn't made a special effort to let her know the news. She hasn't liked his social media post.

You say that he is "handling" the snub better than you. This is bonkers. What is there to handle?

If they were close, maybe he would have phoned or messaged her, or visited her with fiancee to show off the ring. Maybe she would have sent a card.

This feels like a lot of hot air and that the issue is in the backstory not this non-event.

Maybe she doesn't think it will last

Haha They have been together for years, and I know that is not a guarantee but I am personally stunned at the enormous amount of people in the UK who couldn't be bothered to write "congratualtions" or click a like if one of your very few relatives announced his engagement on FB and INsta. We are a very small very family as I said. I always thought you were nice people and wanted to live there!
My DS and his DF had about 200 comments , "so happy " " congrats" etc from his friends , and at least double that just pressing like. My sister could not be bothered even doing that. Wow. I can see the stiff British upper lip still reigns supreme. And no he hasn't had a falling out with anyone. Sheesh.

They live 3 hours away. I get you with the card ( that she didn't send( but she ignored his last birthday so where do you stop( besides him sending presents to her, her DH and her daughter every year).
I know this is MN and I'll be told I'm at fault or my son is . Does anyone have any suggestions for another forum? I can't walk well at the moment. Thanks

When my niece got engaged I congratulated them both and gave her a hug when I next saw her. I didn’t phone her or send a card or say something on social media.

If you aren't lying then this is obviouly a cultural clash. You guys don't have engagement parties? OK Fair enough. Every country is different. I'd be crankier and pull you up on your lying ( I don't believe for a second that nobody has ever told you in your entire life that they were engaged - well unless you have zero friends). Most people don't have a party but everyone knows. Sometimes the girls get together.
Still in shock that the UK does not ackowledge engagements.
Lucky pp that you have my favourite Grandmas middle name as part of your handle. ( Ida)

She's angry with me, not him. It's a when do we put the parents into a care home, and we diagree

disagree

If my nephew announced his engagement on SM I wouldn't choose that medium to respond. If he phoned or messaged me directly I would reply/issue congratulations.

1 less wedding invite needed?

Well then you could call or fb or send a card! It's not that hard. On our side of the family she is the only aunt. I am divorced but even the aunt from the other "side" managed a 5 minute phone call. Soz but I don't believe a word that people would be all happy and smiling if your adult child got engaged and your sibling ignored it. You are agreeing because you think it will never happen to you. It will and then you will be sad like me.

It is not your engagement whether someone congratulates my child or not is between my child and that person it is none of my business, sad about what?

When I got engaged I told my friends, my parents told the aunts and uncles. Who then said congratulations via them. I didn't tell any of them.

And social media is a pain in the arse. It is the cause of so many arguments because people can't live without the validation and see likes and comments as validation that they are truly liked.

If you told me your son had got engaged, I'd probably say something about that's exciting and ask when they were having the wedding.

You said they've known each other for years. Are they living together? When someone who has been living together gets married, I'm usually a bit meh. They're already sort of married in practice and this is just a formalisation really.

I wouldn't contact a relative I wasn't close to about an engagement if they didn't tell me personally. If they don't share it with me themselves, I'm not that involved and more of an outsider. If I'm close, I might send a card.

If they posted on social media, I'd probably just post a brief, congrats. Maybe ask when the wedding is.

The variables for me are how close I am, whether I'm involved or on the outside looking in as a more distant family member, whether they are already living together.

When my child got engaged I'm not sure any of the relatives, including my sibling, sent a card or did anything much. They weren't living together till marriage and the wedding was where we all celebrated. No-one felt anyone had done anything inappropriate.

Op, wiithout knowing the"backstory", it is mighty difficult to make a useful comment.

It comes across like you think your sis has deliberately ignored/snubbed your sons and her Nephew, just because she knows it'll likely "get to you".

Please take some comfort from the fact your dear son seems to have not been upset... that would make it far worse.

He may have felt offended at it, and it may well come out later... perhaps he chose not to tell you he's upset, coz he senses that it could worsen the seemingly rocky relationship between you and your sis'.

I guess there's some part if you that woul like to have it out in the open with her, and for her to apologise and make it all good.
Then the other part of you is wary that everything will just get worse, and cause more upset to you parents, that I guess just want peace between their two daughters...

I feel your pain 🙏🏻

Exactly. It goes both ways really, I’d expect a nephew or niece to tell their aunt directly in person or over the phone. Perhaps he would’ve got a lively response if he had done that?

The fact he never to me shows there’s distance and that is maybe why she hasn’t bothered to acknowledge it or she may even see it as a slight.

I can’t imagine any of my brothers children if they have any in the future letting me know something like that via Facebook/social media. I’d hope they’d reach out and tell me their good news or my brothers would . Same goes for my goddaughter when she’s older - I’d expect either her or her mum (my close friend) would tell me.

Well you don’t seem to be happy and smiling. You seem to be choosing to be aggressive to posters and miserable.

Also, I forgot to add, that I thought us in the U.K. very much did celebrate engagements...
I would definitely respond to the FB announcement if I was often on that site.
Even if I was annoyed or upset with you, I couldn't treat an innocent party with a non response.
Sending you a BIG hug 🤗 from my little part of the U.K.