For background, DH and I have been married for 15 years and have three children.
Last year his father died. His parents didn’t have a happy marriage. He has 2 female siblings late 40s. One lives with his mum in the family home and the other lives in the house next door that the mum owns. Neither contributes financially and both work minimum wage jobs part time. The sisters have never had long term partners and do not have children. We’ve had problems with his older sister over the years too. She is envious of our financial independence and uninterested in our children.
Mother in law has been emotionally abusive since DH and I first moved in together. It got worse when our first child was born, and she was out of control when we got married.
She has caused so much stress and drama over the years and this used to have a very negative effect on our marriage. I had stress and anxiety when I was pregnant and when our babies were born because she wouldn’t stop grasping at them and DH, trying to control our family unit. She dislikes me and has said horrible things about me to the wider family. She is cruel and petty and once slapped me while I was holding my baby because I wouldn’t hand her over.
Typically she uses the silent treatment and sends her daughters in as flying monkeys. She is always a victim and emotional immature. Unable to have conversations to resolve things - I have tried in the past but I’m framed as the villain who wants to upset her.
We moved further away (used to live 5 mins away and now live an hour away). That helped and MIL no longer turns up unannounced all the time. We’ve maintained a civil relationship but there’s no trust or depth. It’s quite draining to spend time with them. DH’s eldest sister is an unhappy person - lovely to our faces but very duplicitous. For example, in the year before FIL died she had a will drawn up for him to exclude DH and his grandchildren. She and her sister would be sole beneficiaries. FIL wouldn’t sign it but she tried hard over a long period of time. MIL and the younger SIL were aware.
Now it’s been a year since FIL died and MIL and eldest SIL seem to want to cut DH out again, but instead of being upfront about it they have cut us out of the family by refusing to talk to us or see us for the past 6 months. They’ve also seemingly turned the wider family against us.
They say they are hurt by DH (he got frustrated with them last year when talking about tax planning for MIL estate and shouted) Essentially they will face a huge IHT bill when MIL dies but they don’t want to plan for it. DH knows he’ll have to deal with it MIL dies and one SIL will have to sell home to pay the tax.
MIL says she wants space and not ready to talk to DH. He’s apologised of course but her actions feels like an excuse to keep DH at arms length to justify leaving him out of any inheritance. We are not reliant on or waiting for inheritance and have never talked to MIL about her will.
Every time a special occasion comes around I feel we should make an effort to try and spend time with them, for the children to have a relationship with their only grandparent and aunts (my parents are both dead and I have one brother).
Christmas is coming and I’m trying to maintain some contact with MIL with calls and texts, but she can’t wait to get off the phone and keeps telling me how busy she is - almost preemptively telling me she doesn’t have time to see grandchildren.
I just want to feel at peace but I’m finding it difficult. It doesn’t sit well with me that the kids have effectively lost a relationship with DH’s family so I feel I need to try and salvage things (though it’s proving almost impossible with only one interested party). On the other hand, I completely disagree with the way they have behaved and want to protect DC (and us) from their negative energy and emotional manipulation. Our DC are teens now and I expect MIL will soon start giving them the silent treatment when/if she deems they haven’t visited her or called her enough. Though she would have to re-establish a relationship with them first after missing birthdays and other special occasions this year.
Even though we haven’t seen them for 6 months we’re still feeling sad and know nothing will change unless we keep tip toeing around and apologising and almost begging forgiveness.