To feel depressed about In Laws again

[Snowflakefalling]

For background, DH and I have been married for 15 years and have three children.

Last year his father died. His parents didn’t have a happy marriage. He has 2 female siblings late 40s. One lives with his mum in the family home and the other lives in the house next door that the mum owns. Neither contributes financially and both work minimum wage jobs part time. The sisters have never had long term partners and do not have children. We’ve had problems with his older sister over the years too. She is envious of our financial independence and uninterested in our children.

Mother in law has been emotionally abusive since DH and I first moved in together. It got worse when our first child was born, and she was out of control when we got married.

She has caused so much stress and drama over the years and this used to have a very negative effect on our marriage. I had stress and anxiety when I was pregnant and when our babies were born because she wouldn’t stop grasping at them and DH, trying to control our family unit. She dislikes me and has said horrible things about me to the wider family. She is cruel and petty and once slapped me while I was holding my baby because I wouldn’t hand her over.

Typically she uses the silent treatment and sends her daughters in as flying monkeys. She is always a victim and emotional immature. Unable to have conversations to resolve things - I have tried in the past but I’m framed as the villain who wants to upset her.

We moved further away (used to live 5 mins away and now live an hour away). That helped and MIL no longer turns up unannounced all the time. We’ve maintained a civil relationship but there’s no trust or depth. It’s quite draining to spend time with them. DH’s eldest sister is an unhappy person - lovely to our faces but very duplicitous. For example, in the year before FIL died she had a will drawn up for him to exclude DH and his grandchildren. She and her sister would be sole beneficiaries. FIL wouldn’t sign it but she tried hard over a long period of time. MIL and the younger SIL were aware.

Now it’s been a year since FIL died and MIL and eldest SIL seem to want to cut DH out again, but instead of being upfront about it they have cut us out of the family by refusing to talk to us or see us for the past 6 months. They’ve also seemingly turned the wider family against us.

They say they are hurt by DH (he got frustrated with them last year when talking about tax planning for MIL estate and shouted) Essentially they will face a huge IHT bill when MIL dies but they don’t want to plan for it. DH knows he’ll have to deal with it MIL dies and one SIL will have to sell home to pay the tax.

MIL says she wants space and not ready to talk to DH. He’s apologised of course but her actions feels like an excuse to keep DH at arms length to justify leaving him out of any inheritance. We are not reliant on or waiting for inheritance and have never talked to MIL about her will.

Every time a special occasion comes around I feel we should make an effort to try and spend time with them, for the children to have a relationship with their only grandparent and aunts (my parents are both dead and I have one brother).

Christmas is coming and I’m trying to maintain some contact with MIL with calls and texts, but she can’t wait to get off the phone and keeps telling me how busy she is - almost preemptively telling me she doesn’t have time to see grandchildren.

I just want to feel at peace but I’m finding it difficult. It doesn’t sit well with me that the kids have effectively lost a relationship with DH’s family so I feel I need to try and salvage things (though it’s proving almost impossible with only one interested party). On the other hand, I completely disagree with the way they have behaved and want to protect DC (and us) from their negative energy and emotional manipulation. Our DC are teens now and I expect MIL will soon start giving them the silent treatment when/if she deems they haven’t visited her or called her enough. Though she would have to re-establish a relationship with them first after missing birthdays and other special occasions this year.

Even though we haven’t seen them for 6 months we’re still feeling sad and know nothing will change unless we keep tip toeing around and apologising and almost begging forgiveness.

The rubbish is taking itself out. Massive win! Why would you want your children ro have a relationship with people like that? Do you want them to grow up thinking that kind of behavior is acceptable?
I understand your DH might not be comfortable completely cutting them off but I do think you personally need to take massive step back, stop interacting with them, stop trying to involve them in your or the kids lives.

I don’t think it’s your place to keep trying to push this relationship when your husband doesn’t want it and it brings no benefit to your lives.

What would your children gain from prolonged contact with these people? From what you’ve described it sounds like all you would be doing is pushing them into the paths of people who will emotionally abuse and mistreat them. Your children don’t need to be exposed to that, it does them no good whatsoever.

I don't know exactly why I feel unsettled. It's been tricky and difficult with them since we had our first DC and sometimes I see things clearly and other times I feel clouded or unsure. This time, this issue feels like it could be permanent with no resolution. I am sad about it. Perhaps I have harboured hopes that one day we would have a happier, healthy relationship with them. The inheritance we let go of some time ago. We haven't ever made decisions or planned our lives around it.

I've lost count of the number of times I've read on MN, mothers of young children constantly trying to maintain relationships with the most hideous people who just happen to be related by blood or marriage. Why would you want your children to associate with these awful people? A relationship with anyone's children is a privilege not an automatic right for heaven's sake.

It is far, far healthier for your children not to have such spiteful, horrible people making their parents unhappy. Bring them up to understand that they do not have to accept such monstrous behaviour. Much better for them to have no grandparents or aunts than horrible ones like this.

Go NC and move on with your life. Stop trying to have a relationship with people that don't want one with you.

The will / inheritance is none of anyone's business. MIL can leave the money to whoever she wants. She doesn't have to justify her decisions. When the shit hits the fan just lave them to deal with their big inheritance tax bill on their own.

It sounds like it would never be possible to have a healthy relationship with such a dysfunctional family, sadly. The MIL sounds completely “my way or the highway”. Nothing you and DH did would ever be enough because you refuse to dance to her tune and the family system is so unhealthy that DH was never going to maintain a healthy marriage while also meeting his mother and sisters’ expectations.

I would bet she has already written your DH and DC out of her will, probably with strong influence from the SIL and cutting you all off now is her way of justifying it to herself.

I think you should encourage DH to get some therapy.

That exactly. DH was never going to maintain a healthy marriage while also meeting MIL and SIL's expectations.

I did this with my relative too (made plans assuming no inheritance) it makes things a lot easier

If there's property involved, the sisters will not have to pay any inheritance tax unless the estate is over a million pounds. £375k allowance from each parent, plus an extra £250k allowance for property left to offspring.

I don't know why he's worrying about them. If he's disinherited they'll have at least £500k each, plus 60% of the excess. And if they come to him when it runs out, he just says no.

Is he an executor of whatever will exists at the moment?

It's time for both of you too let go. They're adults, they are free to make bad decisions it isn't up to your husband to fix it for them especially as they don't want his help. There's also no need for your DH to feel guilty over his mother's potential estate. FIL could have made plans to reduce estate taxagt while he was alive - he didn't and that was his choice. It isn't for your DH to fix.

Time to focus on your own family unit and friends. You've done enough.

Id suggest that you both struggle to cut ties because of fear, obligation and guilt.

But it would be a lot easier for you to go NC with them and get some counselling / Therapy to help you both deal with your feelings than to continue living like this.

It would also be a lot more ethical to protect your children from these toxic people than to go on putting them at risk because otherwise you “ feel bad” .

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh , but it’s not fair on your kids to expose them to these terrible people just so that your husband can work out his unfinished business with his late father, fix the mistakes that his father made in his will , whatever.

Even now, when they have gone NC for 6 months, you are still trying to get in contact with people you dislike and who dislike you. Can you see how crazy this is ??

You've been doing the same thing for what , two decades ? They are never going to change, stop trying to make them. You need to understand you cannot control them , all you can change here is your own actions.

please PLEASE just drop the rope and put all this time and energy into getting some professional help for yourselves.

They sound dreadful. You sound overly concerned about an inheritance you say you don’t care about. If you want any peace, cut them off and stop worrying about the inheritance.

Don't let the inheritance issue lure you into trying to win them over.

You have already said they are a net negative, why else do you need to bother with them? It sounds like your dc would get nothing positive from any sort of 'relationship' with them.

You could always seek legal advice and contest the will if you feel the need. Frankly it sounds like you'd be better off just forgetting any of them even exist.

Your husband is right

Your children don't need them and your DH definitely doesn't

Stop trying to maintain what doesn't exist

As you'll be NC and you'll have blocked them. it won't matter

What other people do or think is nothing to do with you.

You can't control or influence it. And if his family don't already know how awful they are then it's too late anyway

They're not your family. Stop making your husband have contact with people who have been an awful presence in his life.

I think that's appalling

And it's not your sadness to hold

You've given them the chance.

Their loss, move on.

Stop trying to facilitate a relationship between emotionally abusive people and your children. Your MIL slapped you when you were holding your child, that on its own is enough reason to cut ties.

They are not safe people for your children to be around.

some people just aren't nice.
No matter how hard YOU try, they won't/don't. Why feel you have to have some contact - they are draining you emotionally, and of your time.
I imagine that you would feel a lot happier/less stressed if you reduced contact signficantly.

I am in very low contact with my MIL (helped by the fact she's in a different country) and it is so much easier now that I have allowed myself to not feel guilty about this. Every time I've thought, oh maybe I was over-reacting/being overly sensitive - she does something else that reminds me why I've reduced contact. Be kind to yourself.

Same tbh.

So what if they struggle when it all hits the fan? They wouldnt care if you were in trouble.

@Snowflakefalling why in the world do you want your children to have a relationship with those toxic people??? leave them to it and if mil wants to cut your dh out of her will then so be it. the two sisters can fight it out but your family will be well out of it. do not all your dh to assist them in any way and that means also financially if they run into problems!!

It's ok and understandable to feel sad. Rather than trying to avoid that sadness by solving the problems, perhaps allow yourself to feel the discomfort and sadness so you can move through it and be at peace that way.

Your inlaws sound exactly like mine! Crazy MIL, two moronic crazy sisters.

Cutting them out was the best thing we ever did!

Op you really need to drop the rope. Don't expose your kids to their mess.

So what if they lose all their money. Their choice. And let them go to your dh and be clear what the answer will always be. No.
Do not engage in discussion. A simple no will
suffice. Block them all and enjoy your life without them. Why strive to maintain contact with horrible abusive people. They’re not going to change.