To think DH’s lack of DIY skills should not have endangered my father?

[RussellJack]

As above, he is appalling at DIY but I trusted him to assemble some relatively simple ikea chairs. Tonight my elderly father sat on one and ended up lying on the ground because, upon examination afterwards, it had been missing a bolt.
What the hell does one do in this situation…DH is very kind to my parents and is a good man but his oversight could’ve really injured my father so I want to murder him but can’t murder him?!

The reason being it’s cheap and has very little resale value compared to ready built solid wood furniture rather than it necessarily falling apart

Does anyone know what to actually do with the defensiveness?
Make it less humiliating/uncomfortable for him to admit mistakes. People usually avoid admitting mistakes where they fear the repercussions.

Yes it’s cheap and poor quality. For those reasons it is quickly disposed of. Not great for the planet or our pockets: buy less that’s better.

My mum will never admit she is wrong about anything, ever. So it is nothing to do with being a man - it is personality based, not sex based. No idea what you can do about it apart from accept it as part of the flawed human being he is. I suppose it depends if it is a personality flaw you can can live with, or not. You can't change people in any fundemental way, you can ther love and accept them warts and all, or you can't, I guess.

There's a lot of issues mixed up into one post here.

The first is that he's bad at DIY. This is no big deal, lots of people aren't. If you're better at DIY, the obvious answer is you do it. If neither of you are any good, buy furniture already assembled and employ tradespeople to do anything else.

The second is that he refuses to admit fault when he's made a mistake, which is problematic and not easy to solve, which leads into the third, which you've alluded to, that he doesn't pull his weight with regards to household tasks. If he could readily admit that DIY was not his strength, it would be an easy enough conversation to say that from now on, he needs to be responsible for, for example, laundry, so you have more time for DIY tasks. If he's insisting there's nothing wrong with his DIY skills, that's a harder conversation.

@RussellJack I have done all the diy in my house for the whole of our married life! dab hand a papering and painting, wall tiling, floor tiling, laying laminate flooring etc etc, i just dont touch electicity, water or gas but i have replaced countless brushes, fan belts and door seals in washing machines! hubby is useless!

Depends if you’re one of those blokes who doesn’t believe in reading the instructions

@RussellJack the trick to ikea furniture is to also buya bottle of wood glue and glue every joint and every dowel as you go. the I have two tall sets of bedroom drawers which have been in constant use for 25 years!! chairs for 15 years!

I do all the IKEA assembly in our house - dh cannot be trusted. I used to think it was strategic incompetence but it isn’t - he just rushes to get everything done bc he dislikes diy/finds it boring.

I actually find it quite therapeutic putting together a set of malm drawers - can do it in my sleep now!

If you asked him to make a birthday cake knowing that he was shit at baking, didn't enjoy baking and didn't have any interest in baking, then said you wanted to murder him when the cake didn't rise and he left egg shell in it that got stuck in someone's teeth, he'd probably get a bit defensive then too.

Don't exhaust yourself forcing him to admit fault, where would that get you? He fucked up, but keeping it in perspective, he didn't tighten one screw. It was a mistake. I'm not sure what you want? The more you try and force an apology the less one will be forthcoming, they don't work like that.

Thanks all of you for all the comprehensive advice.

@MrsSunshine2b He actually does pull his weight, does far more laundry and cleaning than I do. I’m in charge of finances and cooking and shopping and planning though. It’d definitely be nice to take a backseat now and then.

I think then that you're back to my first suggestion- either you do the DIY or you employ someone to do it.