To think DH’s lack of DIY skills should not have endangered my father?

[RussellJack]

As above, he is appalling at DIY but I trusted him to assemble some relatively simple ikea chairs. Tonight my elderly father sat on one and ended up lying on the ground because, upon examination afterwards, it had been missing a bolt.
What the hell does one do in this situation…DH is very kind to my parents and is a good man but his oversight could’ve really injured my father so I want to murder him but can’t murder him?!

He made a mistake. Have you never made one OP? It’s easily done.

In the wrong?? Your attitude seems in the wrong to me.

It wasn't a screw, it was a bolt, apparently...

Missing one bolt? How did it stay together to be moved? How on earth did he think that just screwing 3 legs on and propping it up with number 4 would work?

Have you never, ever made a mistake? Presumably your DH didn’t deliberately omit a screw as part of some master plan to injure your DF?

It was an accident. I’m sure he feels terrible enough about it without being chastised for making a mistake that anybody could have made. Making him feel worse isn’t going to change what happened. Is your DF okay?

OP, as someone with an equally DIY-disaster dearly beloved, I feel your pain. You do have options.

1. Let him reflect overnight. Give him time and space. While he does, unscrew a nut/bolt/screw on his dining chair ready for breakfast.
2. Scale drawings of the new patio you're planning left around in innocuous places.
3. Does your Dad like a pint? Let DH take him to the pub to make up for it. And he can school DH in basic DIY-for-dunces skills...
4. Offer to exchange jobs. He can take over the ironing (or whichever household job you detest) while you do DIY.

All joking aside they are utterly infuriating when they can't get a simple thing right, hope your Dad is okay

I have a feeling if you had phrased your OP differently you'd have had very different responses.

The issue isn't that he's shite at DIY or that he fucked up a flat pack and nearly hurt your dad. It's that he hasn't done what you or most women would do automatically, which is immediately say shit, I'm so sorry, are you OK?! Fuck, I left a bolt out, how did that happen, I didn't realise etc etc.

Your real issue is he never takes responsibility for fucking up, and yes, he should apologise even though it was a genuine accident. Anyone who wouldn't probably needs therapy.

Yep, I think the overnight reflection is definitely a good idea as the wine of righteousness has been taken this evening. And while he’s in a wine coma I can be getting to work on his breakfast chair and also on drafting some rough crayon drawings of the beautiful new patio with the mysterious X marking a spot in the middle of it….

And thank you for your lovely reply @unrsnblyannoyd ,, it is simultaneously amusing and helpful! He already does the ironing but I sense a new toilet scrubbing role coming down the line for him soon…,

Yep you are very correct I think. If I’d done that, I’d be telling everyone what a shithead I was and would be genuinely mortified.

I can maybe understand trying to avoid responsibility in some situations where maybe fault could lie elsewhere, that’s what kids try to do. But literally no one else can be blamed for this. He built it. So… apologise. I’d be furious with his attitude and trying to pretend he didn’t so anything to contribute to what happened.

For people asking, my dad is fine. He’s prone to falls so he was mortified it had happened again. Yep, he was the mortified one 🙄

My DH is the same. Awful at DIY but really doesn't want to admit it. He seems to think that all he has to do to be an expert in anything he only has to watch a few YouTube videos.

Plumbing has been his nemesis and caused us real problems. One weekend when I was away visiting my elderly mother he was going to replace the diaphragm unit in our toilet cistern upstairs, which had split so that it couldn't flush well. He couldn't loosen the nut underneath. The job ended with him deciding to put a burner underneath the (ceramic) cistern having heard on YouTube that heating said nut and allow him to turn it. It cracked the ceramic cistern and discharged the water all over the floor (and down into the kitchen below). When I got back a couple of days later and found the cock-up he was suitably sheepish. We had to buy a new toilet, and I insisted that we paid a local professional plumber to fit it.

My DH's trouble is that he doesn't know his own limits and won't admit he has any, and that is what annoys me more than anything. After all, he has YouTube and needs nothing else!!

Jayyyyyney! Can you use a net nanny to block him from viewing certain YouTube content?? 😂.
But seriously, my sympathies. At least my DH sort of knows he’s too unskilled to attempt anything beyond chairs..,

🤣🤣🤣

Perhaps I should put parental controls on his devices.😁

Well this has put me off ever buying Ikea chairs! I’d probably do the same.

My partner is also not good at some things (though can do flat pack) so I do the things he isn’t good it. I do most of the cooking or we would probably get a lot of food poisoning if DP cooked all the time without supervision. He doesn’t seem to have a good understanding of food hygiene so I wouldn’t want him preparing raw chicken, etc. He’s fine to make a sandwich though.

If you knew that doing the chairs was likely to be something he would struggle with/mess up then you should have done them yourself or with him or checked them afterwards.

My DH isn't at all good at DIY, but we do it together. He definitely provides the muscle, when needed but It's me that generally works out what goes where/ how to actually do something. He has his own strengths but DIY isn't one of them!!

I think the main problem here is your DH's defensiveness though

Bet he could never follow Lego instructions either 😁

I love DIY, and he loves cooking. So I do the hanging of cupboards, fence and shed repairs, etc. We've divided it so we each only do things that the other feels we do well enough (if that makes sense!). Got a cleaner though, that took away a lot of my frustration around cleanliness.

Does anyone know what to actually do with the defensiveness? Like, I can’t exhaust myself forcing him to admit fault, I don’t have the energy for that shit. And I guess I’m not leaving him because he didn’t assemble a chair correctly. So what does one do, besides purchase fully assembled furniture?!

Hired help? IKEA shops do an assembly service.

maybe it is an ikea thing? my husband is honestly brilliant.. he is a retired robotic engineer and has a millwright and electric ticket. We retired to an island and bought an ikea dining room table with chairs..that of course come flat packed. I sent this picture to his sisters..our kids .. and the guys he worked with for years before retirement. He still gets made fun of. Sorry hunny..not sorry lol just found another place to share your ikea issue

I'd tell him straight that his sulky behaviour is utterly obnoxious and unacceptable, to get over himself and stop making your life a misery when he messes up. It's so unattractive. There would only be so much I'd put up with it, if it is a repeated pattern as you say.

Edited to say perhaps I've imagined that he is being argumentative and sulky about it, however!

Not everyone's good at DIY. In our house it's generally me that puts together beds and other furniture as DH gets so stressed out and grumpy cos he's pretty rubbish at it and takes twice as long! So I would say either do it yourself or pay someone to do it - or make sure you check over anything DH has put together from now on!

tell him to grow the hell up and just admit he made a mistake. My husband just rolls his eyes and says yup.. I must have been tired.. oh well.. and then rolls his eyes again every time i still laugh at him..and then asks me why I did not help put together? I just laugh and the best thing is..he does too

Yep it’s a significant character flaw in an otherwise decent fellow. So weird that if he forgets to get milk he’ll be like “oh shit I’m so sorry” but yet he has serious issues with owning genuine fuck ups