Kids choice or Grandparents choice - Christmas Day

[openjoy]

Please tell me the right thing to do here.

We have hosted Christmas every year for the past 15 years to include my parents and DH mum (no dad or partner). We both have siblings with partners but no children, that choose to spend their Christmas on their own. Non negotiable to them. This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy.

Our Christmas Day often revolves around our guests. My DH and I often feel hosting over takes our family time. I suggested to DH that this year, we don’t host. We let everyone know that for the first time in 15 years, we’d just like to be our family of 5. He suggested we ask the children what they would like to do and they said they’d like us to just be our family of 5. I actually don’t think he expected them to say that and he is regretting it.

His sibling has stayed firm in their Christmas choices and is refusing to have their mother at Christmas. DH now understandably is feeling bad for the mother at Christmas. MIL is a lovely, kind person but she does require hosting and she can be difficult. She does take up our time from our children and they feel it. There’s no malice, they love her and we could do something another day with her like Boxing Day.

For context she is 78 and our eldest child is 16. So it’s awful to think of her on her own but it’s also awful for this to possibly be one of the last childhood Christmas’s I have with my eldest and the one and only one where it’s just us together - at their choice. And if I have one grandparent I have to have the others and am back where I am now.

What do I do?!

Am I being unreasonable to stick with just us 5 on Christmas Day??

Have you read the pp? This hasn’t happened, they were given no information just simply asked “if you could spend Christmas however you choose, what would it be?” And they all said just us 5. They have no idea that Aunt / Uncle would not host her instead or any conversations that have been had.

We've had years of visiting family at Christmas with my kids always being the ones to leave their toys, often not having a proper day at home til 28th! Now we have Christmas morning just us and my parents come in the afternoon for a late lunch and stay the night. We see siblings on Christmas eve and boxing day. Still very busy but we have from 7am-2pm just us. We are pretty chill where as the rest of my family are loud! I need the calm before the storm.
Can MIL come for a late lunch?

Op why are you sorting this. Why can't your dh say mum, we'd love to have you this year but we don't want the TV to dominate we would like to talk and do different things this year. We completely understand if you would rather go to x s house instead.

Apologies if this has been mentioned.

Yes, I could do this and narrow the timings mainly around dinner. She will be expecting to see us and shouldn’t be left in the lurch.

I think it's alright.
I'm not referring to this particular elderly lady, however, how much of our (family) time will these people keep taking over?
Some elderly relatives sit in their adult children's lives, pretty much stopping them from moving on.
It's selfish.

I also completely agree that there needs to be a comprise and these children seem to have had their Xmas totally dominated by a rather naval gazing selfish lady whose doesn't show any interest in them

Youve all spent the last 15 years together and now decide you want a Christmas to yourselves!

i think you are being unreasonable, if you wanted Christmas to yourselves you should have started that when you had your children, there is no way I’d have one of our parents spend Christmas Day alone. My mum always spends Christmas Day with us as my sibling is useless and selfish, my in-laws when they were alive spent it just the two of them together and then had a family Christmas on Boxing Day, when mil died, fil went to his daughters for Christmas.

In fairness your DC's dream Christmas sounds like our actual Christmas with MIL, which I guess explains the difference. 👌

Guests that require hosting, what a concept. I completely understand your desire for a Christmas just the 5 of you but I also think it's really cold and selfish to have your mother in law spend Christmas Day alone at 78, someone would have to be a terrible person for me to feel okay about that and I think if you had half a conscience that would actually wind up ruining your Christmas thinking of her in that situation. I can't imagine raising my children and despite being a, 'lovely, kind person n being left by my selfish kids on Christmas Day, shame on your siblings more so. YANBU to want a Christmas with zero pressure just your own family but YABU to leave such close elderly family members to have Christmas alone.

Your siblings in law are frightful and I completely understand why you feel like you do. Do you think they’re playing chicken and will eventually invite their mum?

If not, and you want to, talk to your kids again. They didn’t have the full picture last time. They may say whilst they’d like Christmas Day on your own, they’d not want granny on her own.

Thing is, in the end, you’d not be punishing the siblings, it’s the old lady who’d be on her own. If she’s nice enough and you can reasonably modify the day to lessen her impact, would you enjoy the day knowing she’s on her own?

MIL doesn't sound like a great guest tbh. OP says:

With regards to hosting, it’s a whole day thing with us getting her drinks, food, she has a set tv routine of what she wants to watch so that is on most of the day, she doesn’t really interact with the children to be honest, more talks to us, usually about what she’s watching. Not a grandma that would take part in a board game with them etc.

So all the attention is on MIL and not on the children. She's there for about 12 hours. so it's more than just doing an extra dinner.

@WimpoleHat and wouldn't that elderly person who no one wants to host also take some personal responsibility for that?

I'd just pop round to see Grandma in the morning and enjoy Christmas Day as a family.

Right OP. We have this issue too, but rather than make our parents feel we don’t want them around, we do a more dumbed down Xmas day with them on 25th and have a ‘proper’ Xmas day on 24th or 26th with just our kids.

It’s the day that matters, not the date.

Siblings are very selfish. My MIL drives me crazy but I couldn’t see her by herself on Christmas Day. Is there a chance the siblings may back down and have their mum for the day, once they realise you are serious?

As a widow, I would be so sad if my family said they wanted the day to be 'just their little family' (horrible phrase). I am very lucky to have had invitations to breakfast /dinner (two different children) . When my husband was alive and my children were small, we invited an elderly neighbour to join us - my family accepted it happily as Christmas is surely a time to look after everyone?

@JST88 did you miss the part where op has hosted this lady for 15 years? But she's selfish?

Op, 15 years of breaking your back to please this lady on Xmas day (your Xmas day as well) isn't enough. Make it endless till the end of time.

So I need to think about how to change the day to work for everyone

First thing to do is give her the heads up that the TV won't be on unless it's something the whole family want to watch. Having TV on constantly in the background during the whole day must be giving everyone sensory overload. Next, unless she is physically incapable, she needs to be given a task/tasks to help you out - just because you have been a martyr in the past doesn't mean you need to carry on.

Also, I wouldn't be annoyed with the other siblings for not having her over, they are on under no obligation to if they don't celebrate Christmas family-style. Your annoyance should be solely directed at your MiL for being such a terrible guest (although you and your DH have enabled this) over the years. That being said, it would be pretty harsh to uninvite her with only 5 weeks notice.

Exactly but somehow it's more important to ensure her needs and demands are met than anyone else over a period of 15 years actually enjoying Christmas!

I do think you've left it too late to change things now though, discussions about Christmas should have happened in October especially as you want a significant change.

I'm a Mil, thought I have a DH, but I totally understand why you want a day just with your DH and kids. I'm also of the 'it's just a date' kind of theory and if you spend the day with her on say 24th or 26th then you're spending Christmas with her, just not on the 25th. I would stick to my guns and keep 25th this year just for your little family. Invite Mil to a special Boxing Day and let her do her own routine on 25th. You must also remember that DH's sibling should be stepping up for once so don't put all of this on your shoulders.

@Indianajet
Yes but surely if you are "difficult" dominate the day, dominate the TV and conversation you would expect that sometime your family may want a little break form the misery you bring to Xmas day?

@AllYearsAround

grandma is family too though right?

Imagine getting to 78 and your children telling you that you aren’t welcome on Christmas Day. Fucking hell. I honestly think this is absolutely horrendous.

They've seen OP host grandparents for 15 years, so why wouldn't they follow that example rather than the one year that OP doesn't invite them.

I also doubt that OP would behave like her MIL who doesn't seem to appreciate a family Christmas with her grandchildren as she doesn't interact with them at all, expects to be waited on hand and foot and monopolises the TV.