Kids choice or Grandparents choice - Christmas Day

[openjoy]

Please tell me the right thing to do here.

We have hosted Christmas every year for the past 15 years to include my parents and DH mum (no dad or partner). We both have siblings with partners but no children, that choose to spend their Christmas on their own. Non negotiable to them. This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy.

Our Christmas Day often revolves around our guests. My DH and I often feel hosting over takes our family time. I suggested to DH that this year, we don’t host. We let everyone know that for the first time in 15 years, we’d just like to be our family of 5. He suggested we ask the children what they would like to do and they said they’d like us to just be our family of 5. I actually don’t think he expected them to say that and he is regretting it.

His sibling has stayed firm in their Christmas choices and is refusing to have their mother at Christmas. DH now understandably is feeling bad for the mother at Christmas. MIL is a lovely, kind person but she does require hosting and she can be difficult. She does take up our time from our children and they feel it. There’s no malice, they love her and we could do something another day with her like Boxing Day.

For context she is 78 and our eldest child is 16. So it’s awful to think of her on her own but it’s also awful for this to possibly be one of the last childhood Christmas’s I have with my eldest and the one and only one where it’s just us together - at their choice. And if I have one grandparent I have to have the others and am back where I am now.

What do I do?!

Am I being unreasonable to stick with just us 5 on Christmas Day??

Yes I have.

You weren’t fair at all your DH or your kids.

If someone asked me how I’d like to spend to Christmas with zero context or consequence I’d say the Maldives but it’s never going to happen.

Hate to say it, op, but I feel you’ve rather bungled the order of events. It’s fine that you asked your kids but you cannot present that to your mil as the reason- that would be extremely cruel to both your mil and your kids.

Othrt family members need to step up. You need to tell them that you’ll be telling mil on date X so it’s for them to come up with a plan.

You absolutely can’t blame any of this on your kids. Fine to ask them but the actual decision (and responsibility for it) is yours and your husbands. The idea of telling your mil it’s your kids’ preference is absolutely not on.

Yes. It's much more cruel to leave someone alone on Christmas day than to add another body into a family of five.

And it's not correct to say they've never had a nice family Christmas. The OP says of the current arrangements: "This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy."

They're not little. The eldest kid is 16!

I don’t think I’ve ever said I was going to tell MIL it’s the kids preference … or that they’re to blame. It was my idea, we asked their thoughts on their own version of Christmas without context or the full picture.

Replies like this are so unfair. OP has selflessly hosted for 15 bloody years.

Why can't the siblings give her this one day instead? And OP says she then feels obliged to invite other GPs so again that's three more people in the house.

OP and her kids deserve the Christmas they want, too.

Personally I'd get DH to put the screws on the siblings as a first resort.

If not, and she has nowhere else to go like friends' place, I'd do a later Xmas dinner and invite her over for 4pm. Eat at 5/6. That way you get most of the day just the 5 of you. Hopefully your parents will understand.

OR all pop round to see her for a drink and mince pies after lunch.

Yes they may be up to 16 - but they've never had Christmas with their parents not hosting and distracted and stressed with all the work that it brings.

Exactly. “I’d like to go to the Maldives” on a one off question without context is not “I’d like to go to the Maldives so I can leave my family members at home alone”. Just like “I’d like just us 5” without context is not “just us 5 and Grandma should be on her own”.

I'm a granny and it would bother me alot!(But since I'm the one hosting I won't have to worry)

This is what lead to my initial thoughts of changing it for this year.

Could we have one Christmas just us.

We have a half way option. Invite the parents round for Xmas brunch 10.30/11ish. They only stay for a hour or so, but get to see their family. Just pastries and Buck’s Fizz. We do picky bits through the day rather than Xmas dinner and we spend time focussed on kids.

We go to in-laws in Xmas eve and my parents on Boxing Day.

We host the grandparents every year (although not as many years as you) plus whichever of our siblings want to come (they tend to alternate year with their in-laws). BUT we ask that no one arrives until at least 12pm so that we can have the morning just with the kids and they all tend to leave by about 6pm so that we can have an hour or so with the kids before they go to bed. They’re all very happy with that and realise that we would like to have some family time too. We tend to not make plans for Boxing Day if we can avoid it so that we can have the day just with the kids then.

Although I will say my favourite Christmas was in 2020 when it was just me, DH and DS who was only 3 weeks old, it was the most chilled out day ever….i would love to do a Christmas with just us again eventually just not sure when but I know when we do everyone will be accepting that it’s what we want to do.

@redmat how would you feel if people wanted a quiet Christmas in their own home

If the kids are 16 I am surprised that they haven't clocked that Grandma who is always there will otherwise be on her own. And I am also surprised that they want so much interaction with you! But if she is there for 12 hours, I definitely think you could easily shorten it and send her home earlier. Pretext you are going over to friends for dinner, or to watch a show or something!

Totally agree on how horrible that phrase is, hearing that as family as well

While there is a sadness thinking of an elderly person alone on Xmas Day, it is also surprising MIL doesn't have a thought to ask if she is imposing especially visiting from 11am to 11pm! This is what OP says her length of stay is on the day.

Just because it has always been the same for 15 years, I can’t see why a core family celebrate on their own for once and not have to entertain anyone else for hours on end. And no doubt OP is stuck with most of the load too.

One day, many of us will be the MIL. I won’t ever impose on my DC when older and partner and/or kids, and assume my presence is welcome every Xmas.

I'd definitely be pushing back on the 11am thing, that is giving a level of stress you don't need.
Easier to start the visit later than to end it earlier.

Have your DH pick her up in the evening, that way she gets a bit of time with the kids and a bit of adult time.

If I was your DH I would be mightily pissed off with my siblings and be pointing out to them that their mother is going to end up alone on Christmas because they are too selfish to change their plans for one year after 15 years of not having to host.

Can you tell her the children are picking the tv/ films/ tv is off for the day so if she has specific things that she might want to stay home to watch them and just come for a couple of hours for dinner?

I'd not waste all of my childrens Xmas' with someone who ignores them and watches tv all day. She sort of sounds like she needs an Xmas alone to get over herself and realise she should be mucking in instead of having everyone fetching and serving for her.

There must be a reason her other child cba with having her.

My mum is on her own but 50s not elderly. I am an only child. She is very insistent we do year about with in-laws. So far we’ve either been with her or seen her for part of the day and I hate the thought of leaving her but then like she says she’s on her own all the other days so why does it matter if she is with you 25th alone 26th or alone 25th with you 26th?

I can understand you wanting family time but I couldn't bare the thought of leaving her home alone knowing her routine is to always come to you. Sorry OP I'd have to include her in some way. Could you invite her over just for the afternoon instead or just have her come over and stop with the 'hosting'.

i would just explain to the children their grandparent will be on there own if they don’t invite her over, tell them they may not fully comprehend what this means now but they will be grateful enough when they’re older that she did come over and they’d probably hope the same if life was ever that way when they get older. Old age can be a lonely place & this only increases as you age once you are well into your 70’s!

The MIL would be the exception though, no one else would get an invite & I’d just be honest with anyone who that asks & tell them you weren’t willing to leave a 78 year old on their own for Xmas day but if this wasn’t the outcome it would of just been immediate family. If the rest of the family don’t like it that’s their problem.

And yes I would want to teach my children this was the appropriate way forward and empathy as well as supporting those who otherwise would have no one to be with is something we should do if we have the ability to offer it.

I think you left it too late to significantly change anything for this year. You've hosted for a lot of years, and do understand why you want a break, but think this conversation should've been had earlier.

I also realise that the children gave an honest answer but they didn't have the whole picture. How will they feel when they find out that grandma is at risk of being alone, because of their choice? This isn't 'raising people pleasers'. It's raising kids who are kind and thoughtful. Inviting grandparents doesn't ruin their day or make it miserable. The choice isn't 'dream ideal Xmas' or 'awful miserable Xmas' is it? It's compromise to support an elderly family member.

I couldn't leave my mum alone, especially as she only lives a few minutes away.

It can be 'just you' on Xmas eve or Boxing Day.

I just don't see any way to have the conversation that won't sound like 'you are a burden'.

I guess shorten the hours and come up with a convincing reason why.

Personally I think you made a mistake years ago by continuing to host every year. You should have started alternating it 10 years ago, eg one on your own, one with MIL/parents and repeat.

Too late for that now but you can implement it this year.

After your update that she basically watches tv all day and doesn’t play games with the kids I would shorten the day massively. She comes over at 12 and goes home by 6 (or 7 at the latest) none of this 11pm business.

I would also be making it very clear in January that next year I will not be hosting so she has to make alternative arrangements. She can Pester her other kids.

We have never hosted. We either go away at Xmas, stay home alone with kids, go out for Xmas lunch, go over friends. We normally pop in to see my parents for an hour at some point in the day or they pop to us. We haven’t been to the In laws in years as they make no effort.