Ignorant sister.

[bubblesxx]

To sum it up I bend myself backwards to support my sister. She's currently living in temporary accommodation with my nephew and niece after loosing her rental, a nice temporary accommodation she's got her own little lodge, I've emotionally and physically supported her every step of the way, I feed her children, give her money, wash and dry her clothes, anything she needs I'm there, but she's also quite selfish, if you can't do something her attitude changes. Regardless we see and speak daily as our children go to the same school, but on Friday after school pick up for the entire weekend she falls of the end of the earth, I call and she ignores, I message no response, not a message to say she's a little busy nothing at all until the next Monday at school drop off, and I'm beginning to get a little frustrated with it and feel like she only initiates conversation with me when she needs something. She's well aware my life is quite isolating I have 2 neurodivergent children, no car I mostly just spent my time inside and I enjoy small conversations with people throughout the day to feel less alone, am I being unreasonable? I just constantly feel used and then dropped when I'm no longer needed.

Why on earth did you need to say that?

The unnecessary spitefulness on here is something else!

How is she being ignorant?

Just take a step back and stop people pleasing.

???? What knowledge does your sister not possess that makes her ignorant? Sounds like she is just behaving like an arsehole, but that’s completely different to ignorant/ignorance.

Ok look I'm a lone parent and it's bloody exhausting at times so just give her some space. Equally you need better boundaries with her.

It's fine to support each other but maybe a conversation about all of this is well over due.

If my sister called me constantly I'd be raging, and it sounds like something you do to each other all the time.

I'm confused about what the problem is.

I'd assumed that you were worried about her, and now you've clarified that's no the case.

Is it that you are bored and want to see her? But she doesn't want to see you, or anyone?

She has lost her home, lives in temp accommodation, works in the week and has young children, perhaps she is stressed and needs that time just to switch off from everything and everyone, relax, spend time with the kids, catch up with the household etc - that is perfectly reasonable.

It's a problem in your eyes because you won't (not can't, because you easily can) say no to her in the week so when the weekend roles around and you want her and she is unavailable, you feel resentful and used.

The fix is really simple, you need to change the dynamics of your relationship with her, the parts of it you can control. You need to start saying no much more often, you need to stop being so available to her. She can get mardy all she likes, you need to find a middle ground that works for both of you if you want to continue having a healthy relationship with eachother.

Well she's not doing that and you can't make her. So you need to adjust your expectations and your behaviour accordingly.

If you see and speak to her daily perhaps she wants a break at the weekend as she feels you might not want to be so intermeshed

But you’re not getting it from your sister who is clearly equally overwhelmed with her own stuff and doesn’t have the inclination or capacity. If, understandably, you want friends, you’re going to have to look elsewhere. Take your emotional and time investment out of your sister and either revive existing friendships that matey have fallen by the wayside, or use it to find an activity you love and find nourishing that will expose you to potential friendships.

You keep on saying she works full time but the OP says she works during school hours so that's very much part time hours.

Put on your big girl pants and learn to say NO!

I don't think it's that unreasonable of her to need some space at the weekends if you see each other every day during the week.

Sounds like you need to focus on building up some friendships outside of your immediate circle.

If you resent helping her out as much as you do, do less.

I know it feels like you don't have a choice, but that is literally what 'taking on the role of parent' feels like! I know it also feels impossible to change the way your feel or react. You don't have to drop the rope it all at once but you do need to start making changes, even if they are only small ones.
You are running around after a grown adult who is capable of asking for what she needs, and also of learning to accept a 'no' without having a meltdown. You can help her by showing her what that looks like.

oh you just need more practice! ....and yes you do do it by choice.....saying no is a choice, saying yes is a choice.

Sounds like you are being taken for a fool.
Ask her to do something for you- see what she says.
If she has no washing machine in her temporary place, it's kind of you to do her washing- but, it's a lot doing 3 peoples washing for them every week, on top of your own! Perhaps she needs to think of an alternative?
As others have said, perhaps just ask her why she goes into radio silence every weekend?

I think you need to decide whether you are helping her because she and her children are vulnerable and you don’t want to see them fall down any more cracks, or if she is your do good/save mankind one sibling at a time project and you need it acknowledging.

Gently OP, she behaves like this because she knows you will let her. You’re enabling her and helping to create and sustain this problem. If you’re not prepared to say no and back away then there really is no point in complaining about it because it won’t change unless you do. Unless she is disabled and needs an extremely high amount of support then there is no reason you should be feeding her kids, doing her house work and basically wiping her ass for her. Say no, repeatedly and stick to it. Ignore any moods, cold shoulder or abuse and don’t answer her calls or messages. Stop pandering to her. Start putting your husband and children first instead of her and her children when she’s perfectly capable.

....then it stopped a few months ago, she just started ignoring me and it hurts because I feel used and unwanted, I don't have friends I'm quite socially awkward we have always been each other a best friends

How does the timeline of her reduced contact fit in with her losing her home? working, solo parenting two children and moving would be hard enough, let alone when the move is forced on her.
She may be a bit of a user, but you need to say no occasionally, rather than always taking things on with the unspoken expectation that she will be available to support you 24/7

I think that’s fair. OP, you seem to be implicitly exchanging ‘services’ for company/friendship here. You think she owes you company at the weekend because you’ve helped her on weekdays, at the expense of yourself and your family. Bluntly, OP, this never works as a basis for anything. The person being helped just sees you as a service provider. Step back from all the helping. Only offer what you want to, and what you have the bandwidth for. Put your energy into finding or renewing friendships elsewhere. Your sister isn’t giving you what you want.

If you see each other every single weekday, then why do you need to see her at the weekend?

Or if you see each other every day then surely you have a conversation about the weekend and plan to see each other?

Why did yoghurt lady need to say any of the things she said, repeatedly, including repeatedly asking OP if she had no friends?

You’re fairly active yourself judging by how many times you’ve had a pop at OP this morning…

I feed her children, give her money, wash and dry her clothes, anything she needs

Why? Stop doing all that and let her feed her own kids and wash her own clothes.

Nothing here suggests she is ignorant though! You do you and let her do her. If she sees you every day, she probably wants to do something else at the weekend!