To expect some communication from DH on night out

[BlueberryClouds]

So DH (40) has form for getting absolutely off his face on a night out. He's out with friends tonight. I've been awake since 1 after DC who is 3 woke me and I've been anxious since I woke and not able to get back to sleep. I will have the kids tomorrow while DH recovers but at the rate I'm going they will be up in 2 hours and I will have had basically I sleep. So I'm upset about that. I won't now settle until I know DH is home. He knows I do this and yet he is as usual ignoring my messages. Ticks not blue. I called him twice once it got to 3,50 am. and he's ignoring that too. It's below freezing outside and I'm worried what state he's in. Aibu and clingy or should he act like a grown up and not a teenager.

I was married to someone like that. It’s hellish awful. I feel so sorry for you. Mine did it constantly every week while I was at home with 2 small children. It’s no life at all for you. I am not with this person, I finally gave up when the kids were 2 and 4.
I used to lie there stone cold with anxiety, then in he tripped, crashing about everywhere. It is no life.

The only part that is unreasonable of you is this:

It's below freezing outside and I'm worried what state he's in.

Thank you. I really needed that reply. Thank you for understanding

What a selfish prick he is. Where do these awful men even go?!

But he is a grown man, does this sort of thing happen often? That's not fair on you to keep getting left with the kids so he can have nights out, he has responsibilities now. If this is occasional I would try to let it go. Hope you get some sleep.

Yeah I know. I wouldn't mind if he could just send a one word answer saying he's fine

Do you have any idea what he gets up to/where he goes on these nights out?

Would he agree to having a phone tracker on your phones for times like these?
Would he agree to grow up and behave in a more considerate fashion once he turns 41?

I'd never put up with this nor would I wish this disrespect from a partner on any person I know.

Ugh yes annoying I expect just a thumbs up or a yes is all when I text

then I at least know he’s alive and u can try get back to sleep

I don’t think he needs to check in throughout the night. He should tell you what time he expects to be home and if he is delayed, he should contact you with an update.

not being prepared to parent tomorrow is not fair. He already had an evening out where you handled all the children. He should be keeping himself in good enough shape to be an active parent the next day.

Why are you so worried about him? As long as he’s not out way past your agreed return time then what’s the problem unless he has previous history of ending up in hospital or in trouble with police? If he’s out in bars / clubs, it’s almost impossible to hear a phone ping or ring and once people are out and having a good time their sense of time perception alters and they don’t check messages much! He’s not ignoring you deliberately. Hope you’ve managed to get some sleep!

And make sure you also get your own night out / day off (if not into big nights out) soon too!

Is he with friends, does he get in to fights? As long he's with friends and doesnt habitually get into fights , I'd be angry he's likely to be hung over today but wouldn't lie awake worrying about him. Basic manners to let you know he's staying out late if you were expecting him at 11pm but I wouldn't be chasing him or missing my sleep for it. If he was the kind of person to do reckles things while drunk I wouldn't be with him.

It’s hard to work out what you’re annoyed about. The lack of text wouldn’t bother me, he’s out, hasn’t checked his phone. He’s probably not expecting to be hearing from you at one in the morning.

If you’re actually annoyed about his going out, being out all night and unavailable for parenting the next day, then that’s not unreasonable if he does it often. If it’s a one-off, then not so much.

I don't expect my husband to check in when he's out and vice versa. Are you more pissed off that he's out and going to be in no state to deal with the kids today?

I could have written this. I am generally a worrier but he didn’t help at all with his behaviour. I think it’s normal to worry for your children’s other parent if they are likely to do something unsafe. It’s all very well people saying don’t worry he’s a grown up, but ultimately if something bad happens to him, it’s the kids that will suffer. It’s simple courtesy to let you know what time he will be getting home, and how.

In my ex-husbands case, he had form for drink driving (including crashing his car and running away from the police), ending up in a ditch with hypothermia when it snowed and being arrested for drunk and disorderly (noting he is a professional working man with a very senior role on silly money who doesn’t generally have any interaction with the police apart from when he’s a drunk twat).

The drink driving was a big issue for me because I lost a loved one in their 30s because they were killed by a drunk driver. I therefore insisted that he make it difficult to drink drive because I couldn’t trust his drunk self not to e.g. didn’t take his car keys, booked a hotel if far from home, arranged a buddy to go home with etc.

Once he started doing this, I found my worry decreased as it had taken away one big worry factor which was that he’d kill someone else drink driving.

Id still be annoyed that I’d get no childcare help the next day as he’d be a zombie on the sofa with a sick bucket and alcohol fumes coming off him. It gave me such rage!!

I divorced him eventually and love that he’s now someone else’s problem! I on the other hand have a wonderful husband who never gets blind drunk (drunk yes but blind drunk no) and always makes sure he’s home when he says he will be, and keeps me updated if anything changes. This is just basic respect for your spouse.

Your husband is an arsehole sorry.

Realistically, what are the chances that something catastrophic will happen to him?
He’s a grown man, as long he’s not driving home, go to sleep and let him get on with it.
Theres no point both of you being wrecked in the morning.

I hope you’ve had some sleep OP! If he has form for getting paralytic and putting himself in danger then I can understand you being worried, not sure what the answer is though because regardless of what you agree, once he’s hammered he probably won’t remember to be in touch with you.

in general I don’t thinks it’s reasonable to expect people to ‘check in’ when they are out - I wouldn’t expect my DP to but then again he doesn’t get totally out of it and so stupid stuff so I can see it’s different if you have genuine cause to worry about his safety.

This is a good point (although one that probably won’t land if you’re genuinely a worrier). People get blind drunk all the time and are almost always fine!

When Dh goes out (which isn’t a regular occurrence), he’s always either home early (2 drinks to see a friend and back by 10pm) or he stays out all night (stays at a friend’s) and comes back at a sensible time in the morning. There is also no ‘next day to recover’. It’s getting stuck in as soon as he’s home. It means him coming home is planned to not wake us up, so I get plenty of sleep.

Sadly people don't usually change this type of behaviour until they really want to so your options are to leave him or to try and find a way to not let it impact you too much. For me the behaviour in itself (getting drunk, coming in late, not contacting, being unavailable the next day) wouldn't bother me that much if it was once in a blue moon. It would really piss me off if it was every week and I would be making plans to tell him to move out.

I hope you ended up getting some sleep.

I think the expecting someone to manage your anxiety for you is unreasonable. I can see the being annoyed at him going out and getting so drunk he’ll be useless tomorrow (though if you also get your own nights out or otherwise equal leisure time then it seems fair enough). But it sounds like that isn’t the issue, it’s that he won’t text you. But you’re not teenagers. He’s a grown man who is responsible for himself, doing what you already knew he was going to do. You need to find a way to manage your desire to have him check in with you - it’s the beginning of being controlling.

I don't understand how a 40 year old adult can do this OP. He has a wife and child yet is behaving like a selfish irresponsible single man.
He knows it upsets you but still does it?
So where are he and his friends actually drinking if they are out all night? Where does he go that he can't message you or answer his phone?
He is putting his drinking and his social life before you and his child.
I couldn't put up with being treated with so little respect.

He's an adult, just leave him alone on nights out. It's not his job to manage your anxiety.

Not helpful

Such selfish behaviour. If people still want to do this once having children they should arrange to stay out so the family aren't affected and don't see his sorry arse in the morning. Even then it should be equally both parents who get to spend evenings away, not just one leaving the other to everything.

I would be considering leaving tbh.