To expect some communication from DH on night out

[BlueberryClouds]

So DH (40) has form for getting absolutely off his face on a night out. He's out with friends tonight. I've been awake since 1 after DC who is 3 woke me and I've been anxious since I woke and not able to get back to sleep. I will have the kids tomorrow while DH recovers but at the rate I'm going they will be up in 2 hours and I will have had basically I sleep. So I'm upset about that. I won't now settle until I know DH is home. He knows I do this and yet he is as usual ignoring my messages. Ticks not blue. I called him twice once it got to 3,50 am. and he's ignoring that too. It's below freezing outside and I'm worried what state he's in. Aibu and clingy or should he act like a grown up and not a teenager.

Most likely he's at a mates house, getting on it, I bet there is coke involved. Always is !
And yep you will have to have the kids again tomorrow while he's in a right state questioning his life because of the comedown he's on, ahh the joys !

He is unreasonable if he's going out all of the time meaning he is opting out of family life due to hangovers eveny weekend.

If it isn't often (and the OP has regular opportunities to go out and do what she wants too) I think he should be left on his night out and the OP needs to manage her anxiety. If something bad is going to happen it'll happen anyway whether you worry or not so the OP may as well just go to bed.

How often does he do this? If it’s once or twice a year that wouldn’t bother me. If it’s every week that that’s an issue. I wouldn’t care about not getting a text. You know where he was going and he’s probably gone back to his mate’s house. Unless he has form for shagging around or taking Class As when he’s out then he’s likely ok. Mind you, even if he does message he’s not going to tell you that anyway. If he does shag around or take Class As then you have a bigger problem.

To be fair, when I'm out for an evening, I don't check in and I'm not sure why I should. I'm a grown adult, perfectly able to get myself home without issue, and I would expect anyone at home to be asleep anyway. I wouldn't want to disturb them.

If I'm not seriously overdue, having someone constantly checking up on me would irritate. It would feel controlling and clingy.

OP, he'll be fine. Hopefully he is asleep beside you now.

Does your DH know you get anxious when he's non contactable? I do often think 'what if' ie some disaster were to befall me or kids and DH would never know cos he's crap with his phone so I understand this logic. Are you anxious about something happening to him? (Unlikely, he's just v pissed)

Or is it more you think you'll have a hungover man-baby in the house and he'll be no help with the kids? If that happens regularly, you need to spell it out to him that his behaviour isn't acceptable.

I think nobody needs to be in constant communication with their partner. He's on a night out with friends and thus has no need to be texting or calling you. My phone doesn't feature in nights out as I'm busy. It isn't for other people to manage your anxiety.

How frequent are the nights out? If once in a blue moon I think its absolutely fine. If it's every weekend it wouldn't be for me.

My ex husband was like this. Not often but when he went for it he really went for it. It always ended up with him or his brothers in A&E or serious danger and then a 2 day recovery. He ruined so many of my plans through his heavy drinking.
The final straw was a when he fell into a canal with the best part of a bottle of Southern Comfort in his system and the only people around him were also paralytic.
I left him after that and he apparently now has liver disease from the bingeing.

The worry, anxiety and rage just didn’t do it for me.
I hope he is home safe now OP and you need to have a serious discussion if he’s come home completely drunk.

Huh? Considering leaving your life partner and breaking up your family why? Because your husband wants a night off? Strange!

OP, I would honestly feel trapped if I felt like I could never ever have a night where I could just zone out and not feel mentally responsible for checking in etc. I did it for the first time since children recently on a hen do night out and it was amazing. I felt relaxed! So no I don’t think that is reasonable. If it’s his night off then let him be (as should be the case for you).

I also disagree with “needing to be up the next day” as per PP. Unless this happens regularly, I’d let him have the morning to recover. My husband and I do this for each other when we go out. It alleviates the pressure of having to get into bed early the night before

My partner goes out couple of times a year and yes, he can lose track of time and I also have an (irrational!) worry. Buy I don't spend the night calling him. Both our phones are on sleep mode anyway. All I ask him to do is to text me around midnight if he is not coming back imminently. He texts once and I go to sleep.
He wears a coat, no issues with temperatures outside. He is not drinking on a park bench in either case. He is a grown man who is out with people he knows and has ability to call himself a taxi. Which is what I remind myself of if I can't sleep.

Why are you so worried about him?
Does he have additional needs that make him vulnerable?

He’s a grown adult.
Surely not even his parents worry about him this much when he goes out.

Do your parents ask you to contact them when you go out?
Perhaps it’s normal in your family.

I used to go to different cities at 18 and not text my parents once.

I’m sure there is some background information but you do seem to have a lot of anxiety but that’s your problem not his.

When someone goes out, they should not need to keep in contact.
You know he’s going out, it’s not like he was expected back after work and you hadn’t heard from him since.

I would not be texting my DH and giving him updates.
If he tried contacting me for no reason then I would ignore him but I wouldn’t be with a man who needed me to update him during my night out anyway.

If he’s going out regularly and then not parenting the next day, then that is your main problem and that’s the thing that needs to be dealt with.

I don’t message DH while he’s out and I wouldn’t want him messaging me when I’m out unless it’s an emergency- but neither would I put up with a drunk. I don’t care how occasionally. Mine goes on work dos that can go on for hours and he’s certainly had a few when he gets in but he’s ok enough to lock up reasonably quietly and he can get up the next morning.

I would not be happy essentially being married to a stupid drunk.

I think it's fine for him to have an evening in the pub and to come home at normal closing time, without checking in with you. It's not fine to stay out til all hours, getting senselessly drunk and being useless the next day - it's immature behaviour and selfish behaviour for a man with a partner and a child.

My DH did this to me once. Uh it was hell. Nearly broke us. He turned up at 8.30am when I’d gone to work - saw him on the doorbell. Said his phone died, couldn’t get a train back as it was too late, blacked out for a bit.. etc. got the first train home.

i lay some VERY strong boundaries and we had some really hard chats.
I stopped caring once we had kids but he hadn’t done it since.

the anxiety is horrible. You don’t deserve to feel that way. He needs to grow the hell up.
we care way too much 😅

Why is that unreasonable?

I don’t really understand the upset either sorry. Dh isn’t this type at all but 18 year old Dd sometimes has a big night out and gets back super late. I just go to bed and fall asleep. Actually having a big night out myself next week and would be annoyed if Dh was fretting at home and pestering me to come home

If adults just leave them to it. What is so dangerous? We live in England not Medellin Columbia or something.

Agree the being drunk and out of control is awful and embarrassing in anyone over 17. Urgh.

I don't understand why he needs to communicate and check in with you - he's a grown man, not a child.

It's not fair to transfer your worry and anxiety onto him. He's out with his mates - just let him be. You'd hear something if there was a problem.

Been here many times OP! Thankfully DH only does it 1/2 times a year but it used to be more. I used to get so mad because it wasn’t just him getting in a state, it was the lack of sleep for me, whilst being on own with kids for pretty much 2 days. Then he would be tired and irritable the days after. The not answering is also infuriating incase you had an emergency. I now make him stay in a hotel or the spare room which helps. Think at some point I also said I was absolutely sick of it (and him) and it finally sunk in.
I think a conversation about it not being a regular thing and a plan for when he does it, ie the night before he does full bedtime, he cooks you a dinner you can pop in the oven before he goes etc etc is the best you can do. But I hear you OP and I emphasise! Best you can do is get up, crack on with a nice day with the kids and have an early night tonight. I tried moping around the house or trying to get him to help the day after and it just made me more angry x

What did people do before mobile phones 😑 When me and my DH are out separately we rarely contact each other. But yeah, he doesn't get to spend all day hanging while I look after the kids.

My DH can be like this. He doesn't drink loads but he isn't great with his phone. I've come to realise he's like this and I don't usually worry now even if he's late unless he's very late or something out of the ordinary happens. I just accept I won't try to contact him unless I really needed to but it is a pain.

It wouldn't occur to me to be on my phone on a night out. Why do you need that reassurance? Hes an adult does he really have to check in with you at regular intervals because you are anxious? . Why aren't you asleep?

Do you have to update when you are out?

So So glad I don't live with that bullshit anymore!

So many clingy partners on here. I would hate my DP to be constantly wanting text reassurance if I'm out for a night.
Being available for shared childcare next day is a different matter.

I figure being a grown adult I can let dh off the lead sometimes if he needs me he know where I am

Sure some aliend can come down and carry him off to a land where mobiles don't work and I am sure 32 years ago there was some newspaper article about a man who vanished but I don't need to keep in constant contact nor need to microchip him and he doesn't do the same

And this 'I have anxiety so I can't cut the apron string' is controlling no matter how it is dressed up

This level of anxiety isn't normal.

I do think there should be some communication, especially if plans change. I've sent and received many a text along the lines of "won't be back for dinner" or "going to be a big night, see you in the morning". But that suffices and there's absolutely no need for anyone to be checking in beyond that through the night.

When DP or I are out for a big night the other one usually takes the opportunity to have a quiet night in, unless we're on a separate big night, so we'd have no idea how late the other stayed out. If I wake up and DP isn't there it's never occurred to me to worry and I don't think he'd worry about me either. We've both gone on thousands of nights out, including for a decade before we met, and are perfectly capable of looking after ourselves and getting home in one piece.

I'd be interested to know whether any of the posters overcome with anxiety when their partner is on a night out feel the same way if he's travelling abroad. Or on a train which might crash. Or crossing the road.