To expect some communication from DH on night out

[BlueberryClouds]

So DH (40) has form for getting absolutely off his face on a night out. He's out with friends tonight. I've been awake since 1 after DC who is 3 woke me and I've been anxious since I woke and not able to get back to sleep. I will have the kids tomorrow while DH recovers but at the rate I'm going they will be up in 2 hours and I will have had basically I sleep. So I'm upset about that. I won't now settle until I know DH is home. He knows I do this and yet he is as usual ignoring my messages. Ticks not blue. I called him twice once it got to 3,50 am. and he's ignoring that too. It's below freezing outside and I'm worried what state he's in. Aibu and clingy or should he act like a grown up and not a teenager.

I don’t think it’s about being clingy, I totally appreciate that partners and parents have to let off steam and have that time with friends. But when you’ve been in the situation a lot of times with various dramas arising, or not knowing what time they’ll be back it’s an awful feeling. There would 100% be no way of getting my DH up the next day to help with childcare. Imagine your wildest night and worst hangover then take that to the next level. That’s what we are dealing with.
My DH is the most lovely DH and Dad otherwise - just incase anyone wants me to LTB 😆

Did he make it home?

Why do you need to know what time they’re coming back though?

Surely you just go to bed as normal.

I’m not sure I could be with someone who couldn’t handle his drink and get into fights etc
But then if they’re like that then no amount of texting is going to stop that anyway.

And I’m going against the grain here but if u have a night out then I’d hope my DH would allow me to have a hangover and an off day from parenting.
I would also do the same for him.

It’s different if it was every weekend but then you’d have bigger problems in the relationship.

Thanks for the replies. He made it home about 4.40. He has set his phone to block incoming calls and messages at night to stop people waking him up at night and had left it on (once he said I remembered) so I feel foolish. He was very very drunk but not paralytic and no stupid stuff this time so I over reacted most probably. I don't expect him to come home early just to do a thumbs up or something so I know he's not passed out somewhere but with his phone blocking calls and messages I now realise he was never going to do that. Thank you for all the thoughts, counter views and support. I really needed both as I'd let my feelings get too much I think.

In all honesty, for your own sanity, do not message him on nights out, not getting a reply makes it far worse than simply him being out. I was married to someone like this, he would not even take his phone (he refused to use a mobile until 8 years ago or so but had a payg he switched off!)

I'm not checking my phone when I'm out with friends and it's not usually heard ringing when out in pubs or clubs. I wonder if the same people who expect responses are the same people who complain that people are rude when they use their phones in company.

It's sad that a 40 year old man with wife and young child coming home at nearly 5 a.m. " very, very drunk but not paralytic" is considered a good outcome.

Yep. Grown men who act like this are pretty pathetic IMHO. He needs to grow up.

But true

This!!!

The OP will breath a huge sigh of relief he didn't come home and vomit all over the hallway or piss in the bedroom, until the next time he goes out and then the whole cycle of worry and anxiety will begin again.

And there is always a next time!!

This isn't about the OP being a control freak who doesn't want her DH to have any fun. This is about a long standing pattern of behaviour that means the OP had good reason to dread her DH going on a night out.

@BlueberryClouds any idea how you're going to deal with it going forwards? Is he a good husband and a good man other than going out (how often?) and getting 'off his head'? I'm thinking the answer is no.

Does he have form for sleeping on the streets after passing out/being arrested/ending up in hospital after a night out? If not, then I don't understand why you are so concerned about whether or not he's ok!

How is it clingy to expect a text if someone isn't going to be back until gone 4am? Neither I nor my ex-H could have been considered 'clingy' but we would each text if we were going to be out after pubs/clubs closed and we would be expected home.

Do none of you who say these sorts of things ever worry that something has happened to your partners when they go incommunicado - especially when they have been drinking,? Even if it was a flatmate I'd be worried, because people are more vulnerable after a drink - especially if they've been drinking for hours.

Admittedly, as this is a regular thing OPs H does, I'd worry less, but then again, I am so picky nowadays that I'd dump someone who was reguarly so inconsiderate, all for the sake of a text they could do on the toilet.

I'd also dump a partner who didn't care that I'd disappeared off the face of the earth until, I dunno, a week had gone by or something.

The OP knew he was out and would likely be drinking. It is therefore unreasonable and pointless to expect him to be checking his phone and responding.

It sounds like it's the pattern of coming in dangerously (to himself) drunk that's making you worry.

If they're wasn't a pattern of this I would say you were being a little over anxious, but with that sort of pattern of behaviour, I don't think you are.

It's shitty to be in a state where you're on your own taking care of the children tomorrow too.

💯this

Just to clarify-no fighting, but saying they’ll be back at 12 I don’t think it’s unreasonable to worry when you wake at 4/5/6am and they aren’t there. It’s a natural reaction to think should I be concerned and then bam you’re awake and half an hour later the kids are too.

If I’m on a night out and say I’m coming home at 12 and I’m running late then I would text. Again it’s normal behaviour to give a rough idea of time expected home and my DH would def try and contact me if I wasn’t back by 4am purely for concerns my safety. Not because we are clingy or in need of reassurance.

OP - you haven’t over reacted at all. I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Do none of you who say these sorts of things ever worry that something has happened to your partners when they go incommunicado - especially when they have been drinking,? Even if it was a flatmate I'd be worried, because people are more vulnerable after a drink - especially if they've been drinking for hours.

I don't worry, no. But then I don't consider not messaging on a night out to be incommunicado. I worried even less about flatmates because I wouldn't expect to be kept in the loop about their plans in the first place.

If someone isn't back at 4am the overwhelming likelihood for everyone I've ever lived with is that they're still having a fun time on a big night out (and this has turned out to be the case 100% of the time) so catastrophes of miniscule likelihood don't really come to mind ever. I suppose I would worry if it was out of character in some way but everyone I've ever lived with has enjoyed a big night out and wouldn't consider it beyond the pale like some of the more purse-lipped MNers on this thread.

Same.

Post divorce is much more relaxing.

I agree.

It’s very unlikely anyone would think to check their phone or hear it on a night out and then you’re going to worry unnecessarily.

It’s very rare that people die on a night out and there’s just as much chance of him dying on the way to work.

You can’t go through life worrying like that else you’ll make yourself ill and spend more of your life worrying than actually enjoying it.

Ignore any posters who say that when you’re a parent you can’t stay out until 4am.

As long as your kids are taken care of then you can go out for as long as you want.

I know some couples who spend entire nights away as couples and get grandparents to look after the kids.

Have a night out yourself and get him to parent alone whilst you enjoy yourself :)
Just because you have kids, it doesn’t mean you need to stop going out and ignore any posters or family who try and guilt trip you for it.

Do none of you who say these sorts of things ever worry that something has happened to your partners when they go incommunicado - especially when they have been drinking,?

No.

I hear you, but don’t you think he should’ve just checked his phone to see if you’d messaged at some point?
I get he didn’t receive the alerts from you but I bet he got it out plenty!!

I’m sorry / in hindsight that’s incredibly unhelpful!
I think I’m just reflecting on my own dh who would constantly be on his phone tweeting or on a group chat 🙄

glad you guys got it sorted!!