To be miffed with sisterly Christmas presents

[Meanest]

I think I am being unreasonable but it’s just bothering me and I’d like to get over it. So tell me.

Me and sisters have an unspoken budget for Christmas/birthday presents hovering between £15-20. Being self employed, sometimes I’m flush, sometimes being very careful. On occasion I go beyond budget for fun, for big birthdays or for the exact right thing. I’m a Christmas Eve birthday btw.

Last birthday I had one sister give me a reject from her beauty advent calendar which she and the other sister mutually bought for each other. It kinda hurt. I had chosen her something that she loves, that I consulted her on to make sure I got right. To avoid getting hurt feelings again, I said this Christmas let’s co-buy each other a certain item, it’s £30, we both admired (she also has a December bday) and she said no, moneys too tight. I said if you want you can get me this cheaper item (£10 for birthday and Christmas) she said no, she’s already got me something. Uh oh.

The other sister recently asked me what I want. I named something well within budget that’s a bday Christmas combo, Great. Yesterday eve, out of the blue she texted me a pic of an item saying “get me this” and a price tag. It’s wayyy over budget, and I hadn’t asked her what she wanted as I was having fun thinking of something. Plus I’m a little tight rn, and already overspend on her kids.

I just feel a bit… deflated and confused by it all. I put a lot of thought into the gifts, thinking how to treat them/get them something memorable/special. What’s in their mind? AIBU?

Why do you feel you can’t say no, that’s more than I’ve budgeted? Or, I’ve already got you something? They have no qualms about saying this to you.

People treat you how you allow them to, so start being more assertive (which does not mean rude/aggressive) and stop allowing yourself to be treated poorly.

The other sister recently asked me what I want. I named something well within budget that’s a bday Christmas combo, Great. Yesterday eve, out of the blue she texted me a pic of an item saying “get me this” and a price tag. It’s wayyy over budget, and I hadn’t asked her what she wanted as I was having fun thinking of something. Plus I’m a little tight rn, and already overspend on her kids So text her back and say ‘No, sorry, it’s out of budget and I can’t stretch to it this year’. They’re allowed to say ‘no’ to you, so why do you think you have to cater to their every whim?

For the sake of £15-£20 is this whole gift giving worth it? Just get gifts for the kids and forget about the adults. How did you know your present was from her calendar?

It’s time to stop buying each other gifts. Christmas is for children.

This.

Ignore the Scrooges above.

It's not working because none of you are sticking to the agreed rules. You need to all agree it's £15 spend - no more or less - the person buying decides the present and the recipient isn't allowed to ask, and it should be a thoughtful gift for that person.

This is what I am wondering too.

YANBU
This is your sister
You should be able to tell her no as it's out of the agreed budget range or stick to your budget and just don't get the gift she's asked for.
If your sister is funny about it, it's not your problem.
You sound lovely putting in the effort but it's time to just assert your own boundaries and not get a more expensive gift because she's asked for it

Thanks so much for the replies everyone. I took the advice of kind of saying something. Just--yes sure! And saying I realised I could complete the set of the thing I asked for if she wanted to contribute. She's not usually grabby at all. She's always so busy she's probably not even thought about it.

I am also taking the advice of sticking to budget in future.

I knew it was from her advent calendar becuase she told me! She said she couldn't use it, and put it in a gift bag for me. Tbh, I don't really care about birthdays. But Christmas to me (probably from all the films) is supposed to be a thoughtful present... oh well.

I agree Christmas is wonderful around kids, and that the joy of giving to them is great. But I love when people talk to me about something I gave them years ago saying how much they love it. Also being from a religious household originally it goes beyond that. Also, we just had a MC this month after waiting 3 years to get pregnant. No kids ourselves, just lots of nephews and nieces. So I wouldn't be opening anything on the day which maybe is fine. Just trying to keep that cosy feeling, but obvs I'm a bit sensitive at the moment anyway.

Thanks again everyone. It did help having a place to be heard!

No it bloody isn’t. Christmas is for me too. I can’t wait.

To follow up I don’t think Christmas is exclusively for children but I also don’t think it should be stressful and hurtful like the op is describing so if it was me I’d rather just not engage in the present part then it removes the opportunity for them to disappoint her.

she won’t be able to change their behaviour, likely what will happen is they double down on it and turn things around on her so for op’s own sake it’s best to remove herself from the situation.

@Meanest enjoy Christmas but focus your attention on people who show the same energy into thoughtfully choosing gifts and exchange gifts with them and choose other ways to enjoy Christmas with people like your sisters. Maybe a sisterly meal out once a year or a visit or something else that won’t leave you feeling uncared for every year.

@Hallllllllie

"For the sake of £15-£20 is this whole gift giving worth it? Just get gifts for the kids and forget about the adults."

Just this really. I think it's pretty fatuous in this day and age that adults expect presents at Christmas. There's always so much bloody misery and hand-wringing every single year about how much money aunty Brenda spent, or mother in law buying the wrong perfume. To say nothing of landfill. It completely defeats the whole object of the season of goodwill. Christmas presents are for children.

My sister & I just buy each other token presents now & have experiences together instead.

But in general, the “let’s all just buy for the kids” is all very well if everyone has kids, but a bit rough on the people who don’t.

Oh op you poor thing, you are going through a rough time and this is making you feel a bit raw.

Many, most people, don't think that Christmas gifts are about thoughtful, meaningful things, they are just presents.

I'd say that birthdays are the time for thoughtful gifts.

Christmas gifts are just a token thing. The main thing, particularly if religious is to be together

And you need to have an actual agreed budget. Not just everyone having assumptions about how much to spend

No, Christmas is not just for children.

Christmas is a time for everyone who wants to celebrate, by exchanging gifts, decorating, eating good food or simply getting together with friends and family.

My sister and I stopped exchanging gifts over a decade ago but we still meet up on Boxing Day for a feast together

You're all adults, OP - just agree not to give presents any more.
Mind you, if someone was rude enough to text me a picture & said "get me this", then they'd be off my Xmas list forever. We can't demand presents, FFS!

This

THey're buying each other beauty advent calendars (which aren't cheap) and giving you a couple of reject items for yours?

They sound lovely. Not.

Do grown adults actually have Christmas lists and ask for certain presents? Oh the other side of the coin

Sounds like my sister, she forgot my only sons birthday last year yet declared her 10 year old daughter wanted gift cards and partner an expensive whiskey for Christmas from me.. she got my partner a lynx set last year!! I am a high earner but live in a very expensive town with expensive childcare costs but they think I am flush for some reason.. even if I was, I decide what to spend my money on!

My advice is to not ask them what they want next year and buy within your budget, if they try and give you ideas of things to buy for them then tell them you have already bought for them.

Gift giving is for kids really. Me and my siblings have an agreement no Xmas gifts. Let's face it, you are just swapping over the same tat every year.

An unspoken budget is pointless. And they're obviously not keeping to it. A reject from a gift calendar is a shitty present. Just buy what you like and can afford. Also why are you telling each other what you've bought. Is there no element of surprise involved?

I'd not bother to be honest.

Bloody hell have I got to cancel Christmas then because there won't be any kids there? 🤔

me too, we're a kid free family, are we not supposed to have gifts then.

Not only not supposed to have gifts, but if you’re in an industry that doesn’t close over Christmas you’re supposed to volunteer to cover all the shifts.