To be miffed with sisterly Christmas presents

[Meanest]

I think I am being unreasonable but it’s just bothering me and I’d like to get over it. So tell me.

Me and sisters have an unspoken budget for Christmas/birthday presents hovering between £15-20. Being self employed, sometimes I’m flush, sometimes being very careful. On occasion I go beyond budget for fun, for big birthdays or for the exact right thing. I’m a Christmas Eve birthday btw.

Last birthday I had one sister give me a reject from her beauty advent calendar which she and the other sister mutually bought for each other. It kinda hurt. I had chosen her something that she loves, that I consulted her on to make sure I got right. To avoid getting hurt feelings again, I said this Christmas let’s co-buy each other a certain item, it’s £30, we both admired (she also has a December bday) and she said no, moneys too tight. I said if you want you can get me this cheaper item (£10 for birthday and Christmas) she said no, she’s already got me something. Uh oh.

The other sister recently asked me what I want. I named something well within budget that’s a bday Christmas combo, Great. Yesterday eve, out of the blue she texted me a pic of an item saying “get me this” and a price tag. It’s wayyy over budget, and I hadn’t asked her what she wanted as I was having fun thinking of something. Plus I’m a little tight rn, and already overspend on her kids.

I just feel a bit… deflated and confused by it all. I put a lot of thought into the gifts, thinking how to treat them/get them something memorable/special. What’s in their mind? AIBU?

I said this Christmas let’s co-buy each other a certain item, it’s £30, we both admired

So you would each buy the other the same thing?

Christmas is for children only works if everyone has children. However it's also not worth stressing that much about presents to and from adults.

OP get them a token thing for 10/ 15 quid and buy the nice thing you want for yourself.

Sorry about your MC that must be very upsetting 💐

@Ginkypig a shared dinner in or out is a good idea. I might suggest this.
@ginasevern @Hallllllllie i promise I'd never buy something worthy of landfill! that'd be a fairly despressing gift. at worst it would have resell value. The low price has just always been a thing. My partner's fam spend BIG on each other but then there are no kids and there are higher earners. Partner thinks its gently funny that I'm upset by it (because yes, it's not much money). But you can still get something memorable for a low price. I'd love to list the memorable gifts as example but if a sister ever came across this I'd be mortified!
@EmpressaurusKitty @Dishwashersaurous (two dinos!) i agree it's about being together. we actually do all spend chritsmas together, play instruments, sing and dance, play games, watch spooky 70s m.r. james productions...maybe no more sister-giving/a dinner instead would help me focus on those great bits. I'll suggest it if this year doesn't pan out well.
@Cynic17 its just so out of character for her which is why I've ended up posting about it. I feel like I've somehow not understood something. she's highly unmaterialistic. I actually thought she'd meant it for her DP or our mum, it was like we'd been in the middle of talking about what to get her.
@Ceejadess ooft I'd be hurt by that too. I didn't actually ask her what she wanted! I like to think of something myself.
@SqueamishHamish definitely not tat from my end! I've seen my gifts being used/coveted! I do my research before giving, and think about it for months. That might be my problem, not being busy with children of my own and having too much time to think.
@hopeishere I definitely don't tell them what I've got them if it's a suprise. Though I might consult them to avoid getting something wrong. like throughout the year showing them things/listening to them/sneakily researching. I keep a list on my phone with ideas/ if someone mentions something they love. Its just fun. Eg. MIL was telling us how she used to write into a girls magazine in the 50s and was reminiscing about it, so I've found one from 1955 that I'm gonna put in a stocking for her with traditional little gifts from 1950s to make her feel like a wee girl.

hah.. I never usually OP and I will probably not keep replying to everyone like this. sorry for the essay!

@GrazingLamb yeah, it was something I fell in love with (think vintage pottery thing) that I could just tell sister would also love. Was a bit pricey to buy for myself (and ditto with sis I think) but easy to buy for someone else for bday/christmas combo. I don't usually suggest it, but thought it would avoid the bad feeling.

If mine had sent me a text like that which is out of the agreed budget .
I would send it back with a lol and a ' as if '

@Allswellthatendswelll from reading through all the posts and doing all my thinking on the subject, I think this just summarises everything perfectly. And thanks, part of me is crumbling away despite getting excited for christmas. Just been approved for a second round of IVF so fingers crossed I'll be focussed on other things soon.

I think it's time to stop gifting each others and change it to having a Christmas lunch together instead.

I think when you are having fertility issues little things can feel like a real kick in the teeth..Do your sisters have kids and do you spend a lot on presents for them?

The whole thing sounds like it's got a bit silly and out of hand.

Next year, get ahead of things and say in early November:

"Hi both, this year to reduce unnecessary consumption I'm only buying for the kids so please don't feel the need to get me anything."

@Meanest

"Thanks so much for the replies everyone. I took the advice of kind of saying something. Just--yes sure! And saying I realised I could complete the set of the thing I asked for if she wanted to contribute"

I don't understand this update? What did you say to the sister when she asked you to
get her something?

Either way, you need to just say no.

They are not shy about saying no to you.

I'd be tempted to just say you're not doing presents this year so not to get you anything.

FFS why bother with all this nonsense?

There is absolutely no point or joy in texting each other with links saying 'buy me this'. That's not a gift, that's turning buying something you want into a pointless charade. Just buy your own stuff as and when you want it, and go out for lunch together.

Exchange genuine token gifts if you really insist on 'something to open' - a box of fudge or bottle of cava for example.

@Allswellthatendswelll i buy them good presents yep, though spending "a lot" has never really been a financial reality. If I'm doing ok with self employment I usually keep to budget but buy some extras that are to be shared between them (things that people can share though!)

And yeah I think you're right. I had invited everyone to ours for fizz and canapés after mass on cmas day, (it's a ten min walk from where the rest of the day would be spent) and I've just heard that one sis said no becuase it was "awkward" last year (because she doesn't yet know my in-laws well) and another has decided to go to her pals instead. I forget how redundant you feel at this time of year when you don't have kids but want them. Or how important feeling relevant is. Guaranteed if I had kids/hadn't miscarried they would be coming round. And I would care a lot less if they weren't. So yeah, my problem really. Just don't know how to alleviate it.

@Bjorkdidit the rest of the post talks about how that's not what I do...

@pinotgrigeeeeo I didn't say anything before writing here for advice. Then I replied something along the lines of yes sure, and made the assumption that 'budget' was 25 and not 15. I mean the little bits of money aren't truly the point. Just the thoughtlessness I suppose and my own issues. Talking through it all and listening to others perspectives has helped me comprehend that a bit better, it's all appreciated when constructive!

If the item she wants is out of your budget offer to buy her a voucher to put towards it?

Yes exactly! Have people missed that she’s just had a MC? Christmas is quite often miserable enough for those of us unlucky enough not to fall pregnant easily.

OP I think it’s fair to be hurt by your sister giving you (essentially) a reject present. At the time I think you should have said something about that but the moment has probably now passed. But you should definitely say something about the more expensive gift - maybe she just didn’t realise how pricy it was?

Actually the more I think about it, the more annoying the people going “Christmas is just for kids” is.

Maybe have a look around your own social / family circle. Are you expecting everyone to buy your kids stuff without any return? Sounds kind of grabby. How included are your childless friends or family? Maybe some uncomfortable truths here if you’ll let them in.

OP understand completely. It’s not about the material gift, it’s about feeling included. we also have another round of IVF before Christmas and I will keep my fingers crossed for us both (the infertility boards might be a good place for you to look/post too)

Just tell them to forget Christmas presents this year between yourselves. Clearly it’s causing more stress than it’s worth. I never exchange gifts with my siblings except one brother who comes for Xmas lunch. This year we are doing one present per person if that. Opening Xmas presents is so tedious. Kids like presents but adults what is the point?

So after reading everyone here advising you to just say no, you said yes?

I think you need to communicate with your sisters about expectations going forward, whether that's a budget (you say it's an unspoken rule but is that just your perception?), no gifts, suggestions or free choice of the gift giver.

Heh, yep. I am probably just a pushover. I feel guilty to say no so tried to say yes on different terms. I’ll practice saying no more though, definitely find it hard to do.
But I agree (have agreed up post already!) that it’s time to stop putting in energies to choosing gifts when it’s not met. (I guess I want Christmas to be something it’s just not). I’m going to suggest for next year we go for food like another poster suggested. Helpful to hear everyone’s opinions.

Just agree to a budget say £20 per birthday per xmas gift. And there’s no texting what you would like either. You can get some lovely thoughtful gifts at that price range, I pick things up all year.

btw as for your sister sending you a photo of what she wants that’s above budget just text back you’ve already bought her gift.

also sorry your sisters are suddenly behaving like this, my siblings can be difficult also.

I don’t agree with other posts as Christmas gifts are for adults too as are birthday gifts. Go for a meal too if you like but don’t remove the gifts it’s nice to wake up and there’s something under the tree for you.

I had a very bad year last year with lack of gifts from all siblings and my parents. I’m still very sad about it, it’s linked to other complicated family stuff.

So this year I’ve done a large bag for myself and my family to go under the tree xmas eve, it’s gifts for all of us to share so stuff like books, jigsaws so I know I have something this time to look forward to. And yes sounds silly I know and still not the same as a gift say from my dad or my sister but its to make up for all the years when I didn’t get a proper present.

I buy for my father brother and sister and I often don’t get anything. I just decided to give what I am happy giving and expect nothing back. I have reduced the amount I spend quite considerably though so now it’s just a token.

she said no, she’s already got me something. Uh oh.

so you reply "no"

Exactly this.
Weird dynamic going on here...