Should DD20 BF of offered to get her takeaway or AIBU

[ML5]

Not sure if I am being unreasonable here
DD20 bf and his sister got themselves takeaway tonight and her bf didn’t offer to get her anything (just to add DD has paid for him before) they are going out to his family house and I told her if she’s hungry to let them know there.
AIBU that maybe her bf should have offered since she’s paid for him before or AIBU in my thinking?

At 20 id expect them all to pay for themselves. They won't have so much spare money at that age that they can afford to go making gestures and paying for others it would get very expensive.

She needs to keep better company, but then again if she's hanging out with drug users it's to be expected 😉 just kidding.

She's probably too shy/ awkward to ask to be subbed. I know I was at that age. And my youngest sister is 19 whenever I ask her to baby sit which is rarely I always give her £20 and get a McDonald's. This is the norm so it's expected. One time my OH worded it like "hey, do you want a McDonald's?" And she said no because she was too embarrassed to say yes to a question like that, when I reworded it like "don't mind him, what do you want from McDonalds" she told me what she wanted, it's just a lack of confidence. I feel for her, it's not nice not having money to pay for yourself in these situations. It's a lesson learned though, always have £20 somewhere incase you find yourself in a situation like this

Sorry, but I read that and think, yes, perfect example of what happens when we baby these young adults.

My mum was married at 19, bought her first home (with my dad) and had me at 20.
I was living and working overseas at 20.
DSis was away at university at the other end of the country at 20.
My best friend was passing out of the RAF at 20.

It's doing these adults absolutely no favours in life.

I'm amazed that at 20 your dd couldn't have decided for herself if this was ok or not. She then had to ask you, who had to ask a forum. Have people lost the ability to actually think these days??

Oh I agree, my little sister is probably the most babied 19 year old you'd ever meet. She even works with my mum, she co-slept till she was 12. My mum tells me what my sister who is literally an adult wants for her birthday, and she dosnt buy any of her nieces or nephews birthday/ Christmas presents she just pops her name in mums card despite being almost 20 years old and having a full time job, I don't know she functions without having her hand held by mummy

Me and my other sister had children and moved out by the time we were her age (19), were a bit older 27 and 30 so I think my mums desperate to keep her last a baby forever it's a bit weird

I think the drugs thing is more common than people think.
I would have thought the same 3 years ago but I have been on a severe learning curve.

However if it was a takeaway the boyfriend is selfish. Surely he could have got a pizza to share or something.

Are we to understand that this 20 year old went out on a Saturday night with her boyfriend with zero money? Her bank account was entirely empty?

Your DD was very stupid to go out with no money, especially having eaten nothing and knowing she would be hungry

Then instead of sorting it out with her boyfriend, she decides the answer to her problem is to contact mummy? Not the actions of a mature 20 year old imo. Sounds like she has been rather babied I’m afraid

I’m guessing the boyfriend is skint and the daughter texted you so you’d give her money so she could get a takeaway too., she’s obvs ordering at the same time. Not after the event.

I think she should pay attention to what he’s telling her about himself. Next week id help fund her to get herself takeaway while with him and see how entitled he is. If he reacts badly or asks for some then she says I don’t understand you didn’t offer to buy me any last week? Relationships go two ways.

We don't know all the circumstances about how come they were getting takeaway at that time / if they presumed your dd had eaten / why they hadn't sorted between them what they were doing / what everyone's financial situation is to be able to say if he should have got her something or not, but it is pretty weird for

• a 20 yr old to go out without either a card, cash, or money on their phone
• a 20 yr old who is hungry, and is with her bf whilst he is ordering takeaway, to not ask him to order her something (whether that is as a treat or as a loan)
• a 20 yr old involving her mother in this situation in any way
• that mother then sending her money, therefore compounding her immaturity by rewarding it

Thanks. I'm surprised some people think it's so hilarious. They must live very sheltered lives.

I can't say I personally know a drug user

Isn't that her just eating at your home of a weekend. Odd you call it entitlement and you will be stopping it.

Mumsnet is a very weird place when it comes to food and hospitality.

It's an extra mouth to feed regardless and your situation might be a bit different to ours but an additional £10/15 a week adds up over the month so yes we will be stopping it.

I should say I don't mean we'll eat and leave her out, I mean we won't be ordering takeaway and if she wants it she and my DS can buy their own

I thinks it's very rude to be working full-time and not so much as make a token offer towards your dinner and just expect.

Goodness. I don’t think many people wish guests to pay for themselves but I see you don’t see her as a guest, you also don’t want to pay for your son who I assume lives there.

im not sure I’d call it entitlement, I’d buy mine, but if you set expectations and maybe not be rude about it, all should be fine.

It's an extra mouth to feed regardless and your situation might be a bit different to ours but an additional £10/15 a week adds up over the month so yes we will be stopping it.

Fair enough @adiffer, in that case I would just keep it light and say that are old enough and capable enough to sort their own dinner.

I used to have an (abusive) boyfriend at that age who would do the same ie come out with no money, my parents would be furious. In his case it was because he was a workshy cocklodger who thought he was too good to work for someone but didn't have the brains to start his own business. Ironically my mother now does the same when we take her for a meal, never brings a purse, card or offers to pay for even a drink. I think as others have said context is everything, on the face of it it seems mean but how often does it happen? And yes, if she had no money she was going round with the expectation of being fed, or did she not think they were eating.

It sometimes seems like op's think there is a limit on the number of words which makes it hard to answer helpfully.

Sorry OP but I think you do need to foster a little more independence in your DD

I can't imagine texting my mum as an adult to say I haven't got any money for a takeaway. If I was upset about not being considered/left out I'd probably bring it up in conversation later if I'd got nowhere with BF, but even then I don't share my relationship issues with family because odds are I can rectify my issues and forgive and forget, but family tends not to (and it's a recipe for disaster/over involvement)!

Maybe debrief with DD later and see if BF is usually thoughtless and also see why she left the house without cash if she hadn't already sorted her own dinner. Might help her prepare for next time or reevaluate her relationship

Of course it's the normal etiquette to ask if they want one. Being a couple she could just say she hasn't money so offer to get next one. X

Yup, mine too... takes me gritted teeth and a shedload of questions to investigate what the hell ACTUALLY happened.....I think my DD enjoys putting me through it- it's the high point of the day.

Totally agree

I wouldn’t dream of expecting a visitor to my home to contribute to a takeaway if they were at my house.

and if money was so tight I couldn’t afford £10 for my sons GF I’d genuinely rather go without.

Dearest DD you're dating a tight selfish boy. Is he really the one for you?