To hate socialising ?

[MuppetLady]

I don't know if it's age (42) or tiredness, or what, but i really resent it. I didn't mind it so much in 20s. Whether it's a work social (i do like my colleagues), visiting family/friends house and having big lunches, or going to theatre or dinner or drinks just with the girls - i am not interested. I am so relieved if anything is cancelled.

People/DH always say "it'd be fine once you get there" and it is tolerable and i do have a laugh but i am. So. Drained. afterwards. Like ive been putting on an act to listen and crack jokes. I am not depressed, i just like being alone in PJs watching a film with the kids, and eating my own shitty concoction of leftover food. I hate dressing up. I don't appreciate food Or get the obsession with it. I have always been rather slight and underweight so take iron supplements but don't think i have fatigue etc (although i do get very tired at end of monthly cycle)

My question is, do i really need to socialise? Will i lose everyone as i age because i don't bother keeping in touch and doing things? I love chatting to friends on phone but no one seems to like to do that anymore.

I cant imagine you'll hold friendships down in the long run if you refuse to see them. You can't just keep a friendship going with phone calls.

I can really relate to this. I go because I value the friendships and, if I'm honest, I'm scared of losing them. Like one day I'll suddenly crave social invitations and by there there won't be any.

I'm also 42. 20, staying in on a weekend night would have been unthinkable. 10 years ago it was a novelty. Now it's all I want!

Will i lose everyone as i age because i don't bother keeping in touch and doing things? It's a distinct possibility. Do you care about that? If you do, then presumably you care about those people, and perhaps could make a bit more effort.
I think sometimes we have to do things we don't love doing in order to be a part of society. Perhaps there are some things we absolutely hate doing and we might let ourselves off or change our lives to avoid them. I suppose you have to decide whether this is one of those for you and whether it's worth being mostly alone for or if you can socialise in a different way, one on one perhaps? Obviously, everyone else would have to be happy to do this with you and have the time etc.

Same!

I can absolutely relate. I massively cut down the number of people I see socially, and the frequency of social events, and honestly it's made all the difference. I now actually look forward to seeing friends.

If you want to maintain your friendships then yes, you do need to make an effort to actually go out and spend time with people.

Long-distance aside, I personally wouldn't bother trying to maintain a friendship with someone who only wanted to talk on the phone - I want to actually see my friends and spend time with them, otherwise what's the point in being friends?

At the end of the day it's your decision but don't be surprised if you wind up lonely and isolated in a few years if you don't bother to make the effort now.

I hate socialising meet ups chit chat in person.
However my phone is constantly pinging off i dont mind that.
But on holiday im completely different im out there having a whale of a time.
Very odd now ive typed it out lol.

Being honest OP, how much do you like your friends? I think most people have had friends at different times in their lives who are perfectly nice, but not quite the right fit- and that can feel draining. Do you have any friends who truly love spending time with? I can relate to feeling exhausted at the thought of getting dressed up and heading back into the dark and cold- but it’s worth it for the friendships I have now. Obviously you shouldn’t spend all your free time doing things you don’t want to do, but it’s a balance, and I think there’s a risk you’ll be lonely one day, especially when the kids are older and have their own social lives.

I personally think maintaining a social network beyond your H and children is sensible. Without being a doom monger, 50% of marriages dont go the distance, and even when they do, couples often find they have differing energy levels, interests and so on after a certain age, and would find having only the other as a social outlet limited and restricting.
Children leave home, time expands and there comes a point where friendships are very enriching. If you've let them go, it can be very difficult to rebuild.
That's not to say you need to force yourself to party till dawn with 'the girls' every week, but making the effort to keep up some meaningful social engagement with friends in a way you can fit into a busy life is important I think.
Rather than theatre and big group things which can overwhelm and over stimulate, I'd be looking at coffees, walks, short visits or hosting of people one on one so you keep a connection with quality time.

I do get where you're coming from, I'm also in my early 40s and I've got a few nice Christmas events coming up- but I'll be really relieved if they end up cancelled. I think most of us feel we put on 'our best self' when we go out to do something, it's not unusual to have to put social effort into making something a nice event and it's ok to find this tiring. I tell myself that a time will come when I'm less tired from kids and home, when I'll be glad I put time into my friendships now because I'll finally have the time and energy to enjoy them.

I don’t like going out in the evenings much, except for things like going to the theatre with DH. So I tend to do a lot of daytime socialising instead like going for lunch or coffee.

I’m in my late 20s and feel the same, so I don’t think it’s an age thing. I live in a foreign city and have 1 good friend. Colleagues are nice but they aren’t friends and we never speak outside of work. With my ex we had a good social circle here but that disappeared when we broke up; a few tried to keep in touch but I didn’t do enough to reciprocate and tbh, it doesn’t bother me that much.

I have some friends at home who I try to make an effort to see when I go back, but I’ve lost a few along the way due to my reluctance to socialize. This was (and still is) difficult to deal with but I can only blame myself.

There's socialising, and socialising though. I think if you'd said you cba with work dinners but enjoy dinner and drinks with your friends we'd all sympathise. This might be a symptom of having too much on? Perhaps you need to schedule weekends 'off' where you don't socialise so you can enjoy when you do go out. But saying you actively never enjoy meeting your friends is odd. And enjoying food isn't having an obsession with it fgs.

Same! 42 and after my child I lost interest in big gatherings one after the other. I will go and enjoy it but I try to arrange my weekends so I don't have things going on every single one of them. I don't understand couples that struggle with a weekend free and end up booking a lunch or dinner with us 4 or 5 weeks down the line. Seems like most of them don't find enjoyment in having a lazy relaxed weekend every now and then at least. I would be shattered! Keeping in touch with friends is important though even to get away from every day routine.

I'm wondering what you'd talk about on the phone if you never go out. Work? Kids? TV? It wouldn't be the most scintillating conversation.

Just choose your lane OP, it’s ok to not want to socialise, but friendships are based on common interests like gatherings, hobbies, alcohol, when you don’t have these interests in common then friendships will fade.

My dad is 77, he has never had friends, just people who he encounters,
like a chat down the pub or work colleagues years ago, family phone him a bit and two old friends of my mum call him occasionally now she has died. But he is fine and will never change, I am just like him in that way, I could live happily with very little human interaction. I think some people don’t believe that, but our kind do exist. Apart from 3 mates from years ago who text me or I text them may once a month or so all other friends are only maintained because of my partner, and I haven’t seen them in ages, he has though.

Add into the mix that for medical reasons I can’t drink alcohol anymore, most who we used to see have lost 90% of their interest in seeing us, it’s amazing how many ‘friendships’ are held together by alcohol.

What I’m saying is, if you are truly one of us who are like social camels and can survive on barely any human interaction and have always and always will be that way, then that’s ok, you may maintain a couple of text message friends if they are similar types, but most will quickly lose interest, but if that’s your lane, keep swimming in it, it’s ok.

Most adults don’t need Iron supplementation it can be quite damaging, but you are not able to absorb as much vitamin b12 as you get older, that could be it, all the b vits actually it’s good to supplement,

I think socialising probably feels less something you need to motivate yourself to do now, because you have a husband and young children. It’s when the children are grown and / or when your spouse has died or you’ve separated that it does become a problem, because it’s much more difficult to build an entire social network of new connections from scratch, and loneliness and isolation in older people is quite literally a killer.

Do you not do any low key things with friends? Have one or two over to your house / at their house for a few glasses of wine, or a small dinner party of close friends, or just a walk and a coffee together? If you’re absolutely too tired even for any of that then I think it’s worth going to your GP for further tests.

That’s true, we are all here in our party hats, frocks and tuxedos, standing under a big banner saying “we support you”, waiting to yell surprise, but OP has got changed into her pjs, got on her sofa and has stood us up, well all this advise buffet will go to waste, start popping the balloons! 😂

I hear you OP!! My DH gets energy from socialising while it completely drains me. If it's casual just seeing one friend or two with or without kids I'm fine and I enjoy it. People are different and in my twenties I forced myself but now I don't have the energy for superficial socialising (where you have to make an effort).