To hate socialising ?

[MuppetLady]

I don't know if it's age (42) or tiredness, or what, but i really resent it. I didn't mind it so much in 20s. Whether it's a work social (i do like my colleagues), visiting family/friends house and having big lunches, or going to theatre or dinner or drinks just with the girls - i am not interested. I am so relieved if anything is cancelled.

People/DH always say "it'd be fine once you get there" and it is tolerable and i do have a laugh but i am. So. Drained. afterwards. Like ive been putting on an act to listen and crack jokes. I am not depressed, i just like being alone in PJs watching a film with the kids, and eating my own shitty concoction of leftover food. I hate dressing up. I don't appreciate food Or get the obsession with it. I have always been rather slight and underweight so take iron supplements but don't think i have fatigue etc (although i do get very tired at end of monthly cycle)

My question is, do i really need to socialise? Will i lose everyone as i age because i don't bother keeping in touch and doing things? I love chatting to friends on phone but no one seems to like to do that anymore.

Are you a doctor? I definately need iron; my tests results and my GP says so and I think I'll listen to them. It's dangerous to say things like that. Lots of women (vegetarian and massive bleeders during periods) need iron supplement. GPs don't prescribe them for fun.

Are you 'most adults'? I'm a menstruating woman and my iron levels are actually high due to a genetic condition common in Celtic people which I didn't know about until recently. And iron supplements aren't always prescribed, OP could be buying them.

I'm also 42 and completely relate. Honestly, I just can't be bothered.

Yup similar age and I feel like I have to make a lot of effort but I don’t really want to. I thimkmit’s just the demands of having young children later that does me in. After I’ve done their stuff I just don’t have the energy for much else.

I'm exactly the same as you OP.
This is me -
20s - partying every night and loving it
30s - doing the above and clubbing in Ibiza for my holidays
40s - enjoying quiet drinks with friends in pubs
Early 50s - preferring my dog/pjs/crap telly but occasionally forcing myself out to socialise so that I don't lose all my friends (who agreed that that's why they still went out.)
Late 50s - socialising in each others houses - film, wine, chatter
60s - no longer even care about losing touch with friends. Totally happy in own company and skin.

Totally the same but I have had a few friends pass away recently only in their 40s. I wrestle with living life to the fullest and also treasuring the friends I still have.

If I do socialise I do everything I can to see people in the daytime. I struggle so much with going out in the evening as all I want to do is veg on the sofa. My meet ups are also very infrequent, we all have kids, jobs etc so more than 3/4 times a year is impossible!

My kids love seeing shows and that’s the only thing I am willing to face in the evening. I don’t find my partner and children at all draining. Even friends that I love I find draining but it’s my problem not theirs.

It sounds like you are not being true to yourself and that's why socialising is draining for you. If you don't want to get dressed up and you can't go out in jeans and no makeup without sticking out like a sore thumb, your friends are clearly no longer right for you. If you feel exhausted by having to put on an act, ask yourself why you can't relax around your friends. If you can't face going out in the evening but would enjoy a Sunday with friends, try and suggest it and see what happens.

Friends are important in life and I think you are making a mistake by not wanting to bother. But of course you need the right kind of persons around you.

Don't know anyone who would take iron if wasn't absolutely necessary since it really constipates.

I take iron daily for anaemia and have never struggled with constipation. There are lots of different types and some suit better than others.

This is interesting. I'm 41 and find all socialising a total chore but persevere so I can maintain friendships. But I'm wondering what the point of maintaining them is if I'm going to feel even less like seeing people the older I get!

Yes this is it. I am very content to be with DH but everybody else seems to rather not spend more time being with their own partner or families.

My sil is one of those couples, they cannot even holiday alone, it's always with other families. We did it once when kids were little and it's too much.

I know i have always been very introverted, maybe abnormal too - i do mimick others in social settings through my teens, 20s, 30s. Now I'm starting to think - was it just pleasing others to fit in?

It might also be just I've moved on and while they are nice people i am no longer in a phase where i want to do stuff in the evenings or i want to try something else (that doesn't involve eating & drinking).

Or maybe i am afraid but could be ok being alone. I have to reflect on this more and what friendship means to me.

I look back and have NO idea how i survived my 20s. I couldn't now. Party and travel, long weekends in NYC, Ibiza, Paris etc. I'm not even interested in travel these days.

I feel like i skipped the 40s and am in your early 50s stage. Maybe 60 even.

Thanks for these perspectives i feel like i'm not alone (even though it looks like i might be soon!!)

I started to feel like this at 42.
I'm exhausted running around doing school run and clubs. Also working FT. I just want me time. DH does his share but it's still tough.

I do force myself to try and keep a few meaningful friendships as my mum did find it hard once we were teenagers and doing our own thing. I don't want that so putting in the effort now. And it is effort.

I'm not even interested in travel these days.

No me neither. The idea of motorways, airports, all those people makes me feel faint. My last few holidays have been a cottage in a garden in Dorset, lonely walks on beaches, dinner in the garden, a play on the radio with a glass of wine and then bed. I can't imagine wanting more.

You can maintain friendships in ways that are more suited to you. Can you meet with friends one to one, doing something that you like? Watching films together? Just hanging out at home? A coffee on a saturday morning. Going for a walk? Meeting up with the kids, so they play and you catch up. All of that doesn't mean you have to get dressed up or tell jokes to entertain a group.

@MuppetLady Yes this is it. I am very content to be with DH but everybody else seems to rather not spend more time being with their own partner or families.

This reads like you think you're better than other people. You do you, but if you hit 60 and DH leaves you for another woman (happened to my mum) or passes away young, it could be a very lonely 20+ years.

It might also be just I've moved on and while they are nice people i am no longer in a phase where i want to do stuff in the evenings or i want to try something else (that doesn't involve eating & drinking

So do something else? Suggest you and your friends do something that you want to do. Or join a running/knitting/language club or class.

@SweetSixty60s - no longer even care about losing touch with friends. Totally happy in own company and skin.

Again, fine, but don't be sitting there in your 70s or 80s complaining that nobody visits and you're lonely.

@owlexpress Again, fine, but don't be sitting there in your 70s or 80s complaining that nobody visits and you're lonely.

That sounds a bit like when you're happily childfee in your thirties and people say "Ahhh, but you'll change your mind/wish you had them when you're older". Didn't want them then. Don't want them now I'm older. We are not all the same.

I am a solitary sort of person who feels more lonely in company than I do when alone. My idea of a nightmare would be visitors and have never complained about being lonely - my idea of heaven is an empty diary stretching on and on with no appointments.

I'm not going to spend the next 10 years socialising and spoiling my peace of mind now in anticipation of a day in my 80s when I might feel a bit lonely. A day that might or might not come.

I hate evening socialising too. I’ve got around it by meeting my friends for lunch. So much more civilised, and I can still be in pyjamas by 6pm!

Yes @MumblesParty daytime socialising is the answer!

What I’m saying is, if you are truly one of us who are like social camels and can survive on barely any human interaction and have always and always will be that way, then that’s ok,

That describes DH to a T. I think the term "social camel" hits the nail on the head @cookiebee

I am very content to be with DH but everybody else seems to rather not spend more time being with their own partner or families.

I spend a lot of time with DH and DD and am content to be with them, but it isn't enough for me @MuppetLady. Being with the same two people all the time is just not stimulating enough.

It seems like superficial relationships to go out there and socialise with the end goal of having company or in case your husband or kids leave you alone in old age - i have zero expectations from either friends and family to visit me.

I'm just a bit tired and not sure why a chat over crisps/snacks one-to-one doesn't seem good enough for most, but maybe it's just different modes or preferences to many people. So I feel better knowing there are lots of posters who also like one to one daytime socialising.

some examples: My daughter's good friend's parents threw on a lovely nice dinner for us after i hosted a sleepover (i did nothing but pulled out an old mattress and made girls bolognese. They went very fancy clearly with effort and cost) and now i feel deeply obligated to reciprocate (Endless cycle of dinner parties? They're nice but honestly just a tea and chat will do)

A very very old friend visiting London (where i am) organised theatre for both our families rather than just drop in for a catch up. I suggested i tag along solo with her family to a museum (walk and chat and help her watch her kids), or go for coffee near her hotel, instead of dragging DH and kids along. I have hosted her many times but can't accommodate whole family.

Group of girls i know for 20 years always organising dinner/west end out out night.. months of scheduling.

I'm quite impromptu, but i find many mums (even in extended family) are incredibly 'pre planned' (perhaps by exhaustion of juggling so many social demands!)

sometimes i do ask if any of the girls would want to go for a walk in Surrey Hills with kids or just drop in theirs or mine for a tea like many pp suggest (it's just easier than coordinating lots of schedules). I get a lot of umming and ahing and clear to me everyone mostly prefers investing time in a fancier group dinner with NO kids, proceed to talk about their kids and latest holidays and adventures. Maybe i need to drop out of this group.

I can go on but you get the gist!

Do you like meeting up with friends one to one for a chat? Like a phone call, but in person. Might be over food, but also just be a cup of tea of a walk or whatever. I actually think that's the best way to build and sustain real friendships. And if you do that then you don't "have" to do the other socialising to keep friends.

So this I find a slightly odd comment. I don't think my group socializing provides the main fuel for conversations on the phone or one on one chats! Work and kids and tv are not a bad start. But there's also books I've read, news stories, films, theatre, holidays, my own philosophical musing.... and to use a very mumsnet word "hobbies". Or even the content of other one to one conversations (if not private). Just because you are not going to social events doesn't mean you are not engaging with the world more generally or don't have anything to say! Quite the opposite.

@MuppetLady They went very fancy clearly with effort and cost) and now i feel deeply obligated to reciprocate (Endless cycle of dinner parties? They're nice but honestly just a tea and chat will do)

But you're not obligated. Invite them for a cup of tea and see what they say. A lot of this angst seems to be you feeling like you need to behave a certain way.

everyone mostly prefers investing time in a fancier group dinner with NO kids, proceed to talk about their kids and latest holidays and adventures. Maybe i need to drop out of this group.

What's wrong with that? As you say, people quite often have to plan in advance because they are busy. Their time is precious (as is yours), so if they only have one free day a month (for talking's sake), they're entitled to want to spend it the way they choose. What would you prefer to talk about..? It is starting to sound like the people you know aren't people you have much in common with.

Well OP never answered, so it's a mystery anyway.