Requesting proof of therapy before he has contact with DC

[Evecob]

Hi all,

I have posted a few times on here and got good advice, but I still struggle with what is morally acceptable so want some outside opinions please.

DH has been verbally, emotionally, psychologically and rarely physically abusive throughout our 13 years together ( physically includes poking me aggressively in the head, throwing things at me that hit me, assaulting me trying to grab my possessions off me, he has never punched me but the rest is bad enough).

Both of us have been in therapy in the past. 2 years ago after i decided to separate things got worse and i eventually agreed to couples counselling as separating was making the abuse worse and i felt stuck. That failed after seeing 2 different counsellors.. we had individual therapy which i stuck at for past 2.5 years he had a few therapists but stopped going after 3/4 months.

Ive also noticed a difference in the way he parents my 2 children (6 and 4) and my youngest son is not treated as kindly as my daughter. My son has felt this and his bond with dad is not close. He has also poked my son in the chest over small issues which i felt extremely umcomfortable over.

The last incident was my last straw which involved him driving dangerously, revving at 60mph with our small children in the car, throwing things at me in anger and shouting at me infront of the kids. I reported in secret and sent evidence of past abuse of which i had pictures and videos, they arrested him. He refused to take accountability and no commented all questions, now on bail conditions not to come to house for 3 months or contact me. Before he was arrested i told him he needed to go back to therapy. He eventually did after 3 weeks of me saying it and had 1 session that i know of. We have communicated regarding the kids through his dad and over the past month he has seen the kids 4 times. They went completely quiet for past 2 weeks.

I spoke with a solicitor about it all. (We have started the divorce process). They suggested childcare with dad should be via a contact centre or supervised visits. At the very least requesting proof he has attended therapy and is making steps to change his behaviour.

I communicated this to him in a text this week asking for proof of him continuing therapy but he replied several days later ignoring the request, saying he can see the kids this weekend if they are free.

Am i unreasonable to hold this boundary of requesting proof of therapy appointments before he sees the kids again? I dont want to go the supervised visits route if possible or spend more on solicitor fees. But just want to make sure im not asking too much

Thanks

Probably so he doesn’t have them alone. Don’t blame her for that, it’s the courts. OP, therapy is not the answer here, it isn’t a magic bullet, it’s expensive and is a waste of time if the person isn’t engaged with it, and even if they are it isn’t always a magic solution to solving issues and problems.

Proof of therapy won’t do anything to safeguard your dc. You’re going to need to seek proper advice and take this through court, as he’s putting them at risk.

We are divorcing - i have taken steps to hold him accountable for his behaviour, could you please read the rest and update?

Should have read the test of the paragraphs, then you would have discovered she's Not staying with him 🙄

Absolutely not BU, Op - bare minimum proof of therapy, although not sure I could let them go alone/unsupervised for some while on what you've said... Even with therapy.

Also edited to say the first poster hadn't read the OP hence my post!

He has asked for 50 50 custody in the past too, which is why i have been reluctant to split before the last incident, i do not trust him alone for long periods of time with the kids. He is neglectful of their needs. But im also aware the courts dont tend to care all that much and want the kids to spend time with both parents...

You have to take the advice regarding supervision.

Why do you NOT want supervised contact?! You've listed why he's a shit person. Surely supervised is the best route for everyone if he even bothers.

I got the free half hour and paid for a 1.5 hour session to discuss childcare options, and finances. Iv been told my proposal would be deemed fair by courts in regards to finances so planning on not going solicitor route and doing that myself if possible.

You have given examples of him being abusive and dangerous (the car) why would you not go for supervised contact? Or even better no contact at all.

You are paying a solicitor and they have told you that the only contact should be in a contact centre. Why are you ignoring this? Also, if he's bailed on condition he doesn't contact with you, why are you communicating with him? This could compromise the charges he's facing and ultimately allow him to get regular, unsupervised contact with your children. He's abusive, OP, and you are still being abused by him. Even on the unlikely off chance he has accessed therapy, he hasn't changed at all. Do you have specialist support fron a local domestic abuse organisation?

He is living with his dad and brother at his dads house.

Im now paying the full mortgage and bills with the kids with me in marital home. We are both on mortgage.

However he is due to come into a 6 figure inheritance in the next 6 to 12 months worth 250-300k for him. I propose to stay in marital home which only has 88k equity and take on mortgage myself if possible keep all equity. He has a final salary pension and i have a normal pension. Incomes almost equal. i propose we leave eachothers pensions alone. He will be able to adequately house himself with inheritance which i wont touch.. however i believe he still wants house equity. But i will fight back on this.

As he is on bail i dont believe he can take me to court yet over child custody until cps make a decision on his arrest.

I looked into contact centre and they have no spaces until january...

Communicating via his dad, sorry if that wasnt clear. All communication is through his dad on his behalf

January is only a few weeks away. What's the issue?

I wouldn't let him see them unsupervised. Proof of appointments means fuck all, that isn't going to protect them.

You need to take the advice regarding supervised contact. Otherwise you risk it being seen that you can’t safeguard your dc.

This may also be a breach of his bail conditions. You've made an offer. He's argued against it. No need to respond to him/his dad any further.

You really don’t want your own parenting capacity to be in question here, and most importantly, you actually do need to safeguard your dc. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t.