Requesting proof of therapy before he has contact with DC

[Evecob]

Hi all,

I have posted a few times on here and got good advice, but I still struggle with what is morally acceptable so want some outside opinions please.

DH has been verbally, emotionally, psychologically and rarely physically abusive throughout our 13 years together ( physically includes poking me aggressively in the head, throwing things at me that hit me, assaulting me trying to grab my possessions off me, he has never punched me but the rest is bad enough).

Both of us have been in therapy in the past. 2 years ago after i decided to separate things got worse and i eventually agreed to couples counselling as separating was making the abuse worse and i felt stuck. That failed after seeing 2 different counsellors.. we had individual therapy which i stuck at for past 2.5 years he had a few therapists but stopped going after 3/4 months.

Ive also noticed a difference in the way he parents my 2 children (6 and 4) and my youngest son is not treated as kindly as my daughter. My son has felt this and his bond with dad is not close. He has also poked my son in the chest over small issues which i felt extremely umcomfortable over.

The last incident was my last straw which involved him driving dangerously, revving at 60mph with our small children in the car, throwing things at me in anger and shouting at me infront of the kids. I reported in secret and sent evidence of past abuse of which i had pictures and videos, they arrested him. He refused to take accountability and no commented all questions, now on bail conditions not to come to house for 3 months or contact me. Before he was arrested i told him he needed to go back to therapy. He eventually did after 3 weeks of me saying it and had 1 session that i know of. We have communicated regarding the kids through his dad and over the past month he has seen the kids 4 times. They went completely quiet for past 2 weeks.

I spoke with a solicitor about it all. (We have started the divorce process). They suggested childcare with dad should be via a contact centre or supervised visits. At the very least requesting proof he has attended therapy and is making steps to change his behaviour.

I communicated this to him in a text this week asking for proof of him continuing therapy but he replied several days later ignoring the request, saying he can see the kids this weekend if they are free.

Am i unreasonable to hold this boundary of requesting proof of therapy appointments before he sees the kids again? I dont want to go the supervised visits route if possible or spend more on solicitor fees. But just want to make sure im not asking too much

Thanks

No advice but just wanted to send support. You definitely did the right thing divorcing him.

His grandfather passed away before we separated. Its already in probate...he actually wanted to divorce asap due to this but i have been advised by my solicitor that they cant ignore the amount of money that will be received, so the courts will want to ensure we are housed fairly and equally.

Yes I agree with this. I wont reply to the message. He can take me to court next year. He didnt responf with any proof which tells me he probably hasnt continued therapy or doesnt care.

Im worried about what might happen once his bail conditions end.. i dont want him back in the house in all honesty

Guilt partly, i dont want to take his children from.him and my daughter loves him and has asked to see him. But my gut tells me he wont do whats right by them in the long term. Hes good at saying the right things but following through always disappoints ...

Thank you for the advice. I wont reply to him.

I'm a therapist op and we're not magicians. Please think of this. Just because he is going to therapy it does not mean he will become e a better person, he may still be a risk to your children. I personally would go down the court route of supervised access rather than relying on him changing in therapy. However a therapist no doubt would be able to show a record of attended appointments if you do wish to pursue this route 😊

Therapy isn't going to stop him from being abusive. He should be supervised if he poses a risk to the kids.

Have you applied for an occupation and non molestation order?

He's on bail why are you contacting him

Do you know you're undermining the whole police investigation

Re the contact woth the kids.. therapy isn't magic and it isn't going to fix his abusive behaviour so you need to look at the supervision option or just wait for him to get his own legal advice and tell your solicitor you want him to pay for a contact centre

Agree

Someone can ‘go’ to therapy for the rest of their days, but it doesn’t mean they will change their behaviour.

Proof of going to therapy tells you nothing, really. It doesn't guarantee that a person changes.

Keep your kids safe, OP. That might mean supervised visits.

A lawyer has recommended supervised visits- they wouldn't advise it unless confident that courts would agree

Yabu to say you don't want supervised visits. A contact centre and supervision is the right place for contact to take place, with the CC staff aware of the potential for physical stuff like poking etc so they can protect the kids if needed.

Yabu for trying to avoid using the courts and instead trying to get an unreasonable and violent man to suddenly start being reasonable... because you asked nicely?

Please don’t let him have anything other than supervised contact!
if something terrible happens to your children you will have to live with it, and you have had a solicitor advise you on this.
he clearly can’t care for the children alone.

edited to say that social services will get involved if something happens and if you have failed to safeguard them they will likely be removed from your care.

Your children are not safe with him alone OP, even with therapy. There are unfortunately lots of instances of one partner putting the children at risk/harming children to get back at the ex. In your case he has already done it.

My abusive ex went to therapy but it actually made things worse. He told the therapist a bunch of sob stories about how I was the abusive one. Whether she believed it or not I'm not sure but certainly all it did was lead to him constantly starting emails with 'my therapist says...' (insert general comment about how everything was my fault).

Therapy isn't going to work if he refuses to accept his problematic behaviour.

You are better to focus on how to help ensure contact is safe. Contact centres are usually only used for short time periods so supervised in the community by a joint contact might be better.

I think you have no choice but to only consent to supervised contact but let him do all the work.

If he wants that then he can arrange it, he can go to court etc I would go along with only what you absolutely have to.

Much as his children say they love him and miss him, they will also have been frightened of him and worried about his behaviour.

It doesn't sound like he brings much to their lives.

Absolutely this too. Going to therapy is not a quick fix unless he's truthful and does the work needed which will be a long long road.

I was in this exact situation. You'd be mad to give him unsupervised contact. Take him to court and hold out for supervised contact at a contact centre only. They are your precious children - why would you leave them alone with a neglectful, abusive man?

It cost me a few grand in solicitor fees, which I absolutely could not afford at the time, but my solicitor let me pay monthly.

Ex husband went to the contact centre twice and we never heard from him again.

You need to do what is best for the children here …

it is much harder to go backwards in terms of access rather than backwards .

He may well be prepared to go to court - many men do .

You go on the waiting list for supervised contact . It shows you aren’t blocking but keeping your Dc safe .

Abused children love their parents . Both children are far too young to know what is best ..

you need to think forward .

Do look up the freedom program . This will help you a lot .

i agree with pp- look at occupation order

None of the therapy has worked has it. There’s no reason it would work now.