Requesting proof of therapy before he has contact with DC

[Evecob]

Hi all,

I have posted a few times on here and got good advice, but I still struggle with what is morally acceptable so want some outside opinions please.

DH has been verbally, emotionally, psychologically and rarely physically abusive throughout our 13 years together ( physically includes poking me aggressively in the head, throwing things at me that hit me, assaulting me trying to grab my possessions off me, he has never punched me but the rest is bad enough).

Both of us have been in therapy in the past. 2 years ago after i decided to separate things got worse and i eventually agreed to couples counselling as separating was making the abuse worse and i felt stuck. That failed after seeing 2 different counsellors.. we had individual therapy which i stuck at for past 2.5 years he had a few therapists but stopped going after 3/4 months.

Ive also noticed a difference in the way he parents my 2 children (6 and 4) and my youngest son is not treated as kindly as my daughter. My son has felt this and his bond with dad is not close. He has also poked my son in the chest over small issues which i felt extremely umcomfortable over.

The last incident was my last straw which involved him driving dangerously, revving at 60mph with our small children in the car, throwing things at me in anger and shouting at me infront of the kids. I reported in secret and sent evidence of past abuse of which i had pictures and videos, they arrested him. He refused to take accountability and no commented all questions, now on bail conditions not to come to house for 3 months or contact me. Before he was arrested i told him he needed to go back to therapy. He eventually did after 3 weeks of me saying it and had 1 session that i know of. We have communicated regarding the kids through his dad and over the past month he has seen the kids 4 times. They went completely quiet for past 2 weeks.

I spoke with a solicitor about it all. (We have started the divorce process). They suggested childcare with dad should be via a contact centre or supervised visits. At the very least requesting proof he has attended therapy and is making steps to change his behaviour.

I communicated this to him in a text this week asking for proof of him continuing therapy but he replied several days later ignoring the request, saying he can see the kids this weekend if they are free.

Am i unreasonable to hold this boundary of requesting proof of therapy appointments before he sees the kids again? I dont want to go the supervised visits route if possible or spend more on solicitor fees. But just want to make sure im not asking too much

Thanks

Gently OP. He is abusive towards you and your children, physically and emotionally. He is a neglectful unfit parent. Stop contact. Let him take you to court but honestly he isn't going to pursue this. Do yourself and the children a favour and cut him out of your lives entirely.

This needs to be a court issue - which I suspect it eventually will be and you WILL be judged, questioned and expected to explain why you have been allowing your children to have contact with him when he behaves this way. You need to safeguard your children or you might end up with SS at your door and involved in your lives.

Yes and i have raised these concerns with him before.. he dismissed it.

I dont want to go the supervised visits route

that would be the safest way for the children though if visits were needed. As others have said this needs to be a court issue

Both. I tried to leave in the past but it got worse so i have been setting boundaries which he hated. I refused to let him.drive me or the dc after the incident, plus we hadnt had sex in 4 months as i felt unsafe and unloved which i communicated and he didnt try to make it better. I wanted to ensure i was with the children at all times as he told me he would go for 50.50 contact if i left him. He asked for the separation officially after this incident, because he knew i had enough and because his granfather passed, and he doesnt want me to have the inheritance if he can help it.

I have done all the legwork of the divorce.

Do nothing. Don't communicate with his dad. Don't communicate with him. Spend the next couple of months focussing entirely on your children. If CPS are involved I'm assuming Social services are or will be too. Wait and see what happens with this. If you are seen to be communicating or arranging contact it could call in to question your ability to keep your children safe.

If he chooses to, at some point, go to court for access then do insist on supervised contact in a contact center. But be aware that this is sometimes seen as a stepping stone to unsupervised contact arrangements.

Contact your local DV service and ask if they offer the freedom programme- if not, you can do it online. Ask also if they have any support for children
wait for him to take you to court re the children- its possible he won't (and if he doesn't, it wont go in his favour later if he tries to avoid paying maintenance by having them 50% of the time
contact https://www.ncdv.org.uk/ for advice on a non molestation order

I'm surprised the counsellors you saw agreed to work with you, as a couple that is. Counselling may help him change, but only if he wants to. Its a big risk to take and attending 1 or 2 sessions is nothing.