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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not get my 6 yo's son's hair cut for family wedding to please my mum and dad?

93 replies

jasper · 27/04/2008 20:53

6yo youngest son has long curly hair. It just kind of happened partly because I am so lazy and also because he looks so nice with it long IMHO.

My mum ( who is wonderful) has always hated his long hair and never misses a chance to say so. I just smile amd ignore her.

Today however she took me aside for a proper chat and begged me to get in cut for big family wedding this summer.
I said no. She said she will not go to wedding unless I get it cut. I said don't be daft, of course I won't get it cut for that reason.

She said he (ds) looks ridiculous and everyone in the family thinks so.

I said Really, how interesting. I could not care less. His hair stays long.

She said Everyone thinks he looks like a girl.
I said so What? Everyone thought I loooked like a boy whenI was young.

She said PLEASE cut his hair.It is not normal for a boy to have long flowing hair.
I said I don't care .I like it. Dh likes it, ds likes it .

Every so often I ask him if he wants it cut and he always says no.

Mum says he only says this to please me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Alderney · 28/04/2008 07:04

if your Mum is very very sensible normally then I wonder if its other people who have put pressure on her to "bring the issue up"..

Its up to you - after all, you said in your OP that it was long partly due to laziness in not getting it cut, rather than it being some sort of intentional statements about societal expectations etc etc...it sounds like thats beocme a later interpretation that has been "put on" when his hair has become an issue..

minster · 28/04/2008 08:23

People are absolutely horrified that ... wait for it ... someone might mistake a boy for a girl. They might ... you know ... turn out gay.

My ds has curly hair (short atm - he's only 18mo) and is constantly mistaken for a girl. I find it absolutely hilarious, people get so wound up by it. Perhaps all boys should have lovely, chavvy, buzz cuts.

Of course YNBU.

MrsTittleMouse · 28/04/2008 08:36

I know what's happened here. Everyone else in your family has Wedding Fever, and the pressure to have everything "perfect" has driven them completely insane.
So she wants the photos to look "perfect". What about the other guests? What is your mother going to do? Stand at the door of the church/registry office and turn people away if they don't match up to her (or your sister's) exacting standards?
For what it's worth, we had a civic ceremony and it was the first non-church ceremony that a lot of the guests had attended. It was obvious that some of them were a bit confused what to wear to a civic ceremony and turned up in things that were a bit more casual than you would expect. But so what? They were dressed neatly, and it wasn't as though they were in ripped jeans and stained clothes (which would indicate a lack of respect for the seriousness of the occasion). There were there to support us and we had a great day. So will your sister, as usually by the day everyone is so happy that they forget what complete nutters they were and they just enjoy the occasion.

littlelapin · 28/04/2008 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 28/04/2008 08:40

My ds has always had long hair and at 14 still does.I have had the odd comment from distant family but my close family haven't ever mentioned it only is a good way.Don't be bullied this world is so full of silly rules

noddyholder · 28/04/2008 08:41

Also better than what I have noticed recently lots of little boys looking like dodgy estate agents.

Freckle · 28/04/2008 08:46

Tell her that it's only in the last 100 years or so that it became acceptable for men to have short hair. Tell her that, as short hair on men is only a passing phase and that long hair will become the norm again, your son is actually ahead of his time and she should be proud.

As long as his hair is clean and relatively tidy, it really doesn't matter what length it is. DS2 (12) has hair halfway down his back and it does seem to polarise people. Not sure why. DS1 and DS3 insist on having their hair as short as possible (without looking like skinheads!).

I think your mum is afraid that she will be meeting family members at the wedding that she hasn't seen for a long time and she's concerned that they will think your ds' long hair is a reflection on her as a grandparent (not sure why). She's being ridiculous and is using emotional blackmail to control you and your ds.

potoftea · 28/04/2008 09:33

Whilst I totally agree it is up to you and dh to decide on your son's hair style, I do have huge sympathy for your mother.

I embarass easily, I don't like to stand out or have my children stand out, or be talked about. I'm not shy, but am very private, and maybe your mother knows everyone mentions your ds's hair. While you are perfectly happy with this, maybe she dies a bit each time she has to hear it. I would, that's just the way I am.

But if you really don't want it cut, you need to calmly explain to her that it's not happening, and leave it at that. Up to her whether she deals with it reasonably or not.

AbbeyA · 28/04/2008 09:44

I think that your mother is being silly-to say that she won't go to the wedding is very extreme for such a trivial reason! I don't actually like long hair on boys (I am always trying to get my teenage DS to get his cut!)If it was me I would get it cut to a reasonably short length and then let it grow back-only because I don't think the fuss in family relationships is worth the hassle. My nephew had very pretty long hair at 10yrs and was always taken for a girl, it didn't bother me but I was always a bit worried that he might get comments when he went into the gents toilets.

currantbunmum · 28/04/2008 09:54

Jasper, your son sounds gorgeous, the fact that his hair is red only increases the beauty of it!

Has your Mum actually asked your son about his hair, perhaps if he tells her he really likes it, and doesn't want it cut then she may lay off.

I would not be emotionally blackmailed over such a trivial matter, and agree with the earlier post, if people ask why she is not attending, say she is embarrassed as DS has long hair.

Be brave, you would regret getting it cut.

maltloafeater · 28/04/2008 10:09

Sorry but I just don't get this long hair on boys thing. Did you secretly want a girl?

moondog · 28/04/2008 10:15

Do you secretly think that all boys shouyld play football and run around with guns while the girls play prettily with a teaset indoors?

noddyholder · 28/04/2008 10:16

Oh my ** here they come!

girlfrommars · 28/04/2008 10:21

I don't get long hair on girls or boys.

Does it not make it hard to deal with nits?

That said, it's totally up to you and your DS. I would ask your mother who has been making comments to her- if she's usually fine, it does sound like she might be reacting to criticism from others.

branflake81 · 28/04/2008 10:22

He might well look stupid. But at the end of the day it's your choice how he has his hair and for her not to go to the wedding if it's long is completely weird. so YANBU.

AgonyBeetle · 28/04/2008 10:22

In fairness, I'm not convinced by long hair on little girls either.

In the Beetle house we tend towards variations on the chin-length bob for girls, and variations on the page-boy cut for ds. But then the little Beetles are not big on hair-brushing or combs, so this arrangement suits everybody. The thought of the maintenance required by that hairdo in the picture, whether on a girl or a boy, makes me come over all faint.

maltloafeater · 28/04/2008 10:24

My ds hates football and rough games, but is very definite that he is a boy and long hair is for girls. I would suggest the op thinks about how her ds may feel in 20 years time looking back at the photos. I imagine the conversation would go something like ' mum what were you thinking of letting me go out looking like that'

allytjd · 28/04/2008 10:27

Jasper, two of my DS's have longish hair (surfer dude rather than biker style). The oldest has gorgeous red hair, poker straight and v. shiny, he gets a lot of compliments on it which he enjoys but his teacher has complained about him hiding behind it in class!. His wee brother is only three and i don't want him to get his cut as he will look too grown up! I must admit that mine have always had fringes, I think when hair is all one length, it can look a bit girly esp. if your boy is good looking ( which I'm sure yours is).
WE went to a wedding recently and alll three of mine wore kilts, which looked great with the long hair, no way they could be mistaken for girls.
PS. I am Scottish too and Two of my boys have red hair and the other is gettting redder by the day, why is red hair deemed horrible on boys and attractive on girls? just another stupid cultural construct, your Mum IS being unreasonable.

girlfrommars · 28/04/2008 10:28

noddyholder · 28/04/2008 10:30

maltloafeater where do you live?very strange We look back at ds's photos with gorgeous long blonde hair and there is no problem as at 14 he still has it.Threads like this make me want to move to europe where people aren't so uptight and riddlesd with rules about meaningless things like hair length and whether or not it is ok to eat curry ona sunday

moondog · 28/04/2008 10:32

Maltloaf has been parachuted in from 1957.

wb · 28/04/2008 10:36

Dear God, this thread takes me back... The ONLY time in my entire childhood that my mum marched down the school to have a word was the day our headmaster stood up and told us that from now on he wanted all boys to have short hair and all girls to grow theirs to touch their shoulders at least.

That was during the mid 1970s, I had no idea people still thought that dictating hair length by gender was still a) appropriate b) desirable

To the OP - your mum is trying to blackmail you emotionally. Ignore her.

BalloonSlayer · 28/04/2008 10:38

Would you have stopped his hair from being cut if it was straight and mousy?

Original poster

jasper · 28/04/2008 10:41

these messages are fantastic.

Yes he puts it back in an elastic for gym at school.

No I did not secretly want a girl ( I am guessing that was a joke question anyway) _ I have one already , who has long hair of her own choosing.

As for nits, yes all my kids have had nits at some point, long haired boy being least affected and his shorter haired brother worst.

Yes he gets mistaken for a girl sometimes although he does not look like one ( whatever a girl is supposed to look like).
His short haired brother is mistaken for a girl far more often.

I was mistaken for a boy until I was about 14.
I could not care less then and nor do I now about my boys (of whatever hair length) being mistaken for girls.

Scottish granny "ach, that's no right" SPOT ON!

OP posts:

Original poster

jasper · 28/04/2008 10:46

Balloon slayer , yes part of the appeal is it is trully fabulous looking hair. He had fab hair from day one, with pale almost see through skin and bright blue eyes. VERY Scottish looking.

It just kept growing and looked more and more lovely so at no point did it make any sense to chop it off.

It's not some kind of political statement , although I did breastfeed him till he was two and a bit and I have in the past grown my own vegetables

OP posts:

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