Aibu to think divorce is the only way to fix a 'default' parenting situation?

[unluckyinlife]

I've been with my husband for about 8.5 years. We have 3 kids (7,5,1) it has become really obvious to me that I am expected to do the brunt of the house and childcare and that my DH has apparently 0 thanks.

He made a comment tonight that I 'wonder through life cluelessly' which then caused a heated debate. We both work full time, however, I WFH for my own company (partnered with two other directors) in a role that I hate and has an awful effect on my mental health, whilst looking after our 1 year old. I do all school pick ups, birthday parties and swimming lessons alone. I have a part time job 3 evenings a week (it used to also be 2 x 12 shifts at the weekend but he asked me to stop those). I organise all food deliveries, birthday presents, appointments etc.

Today I asked him 3 questions

• what size shoes do our kids wear?

-what's their teachers name?

• what class are they in at school?

And he couldn't answer any of them, not even a clue.

Is there any way of fixing how unfair things are balanced?

Aibu for thinking the only fix is divorce?

Marriage counselling? Divorce may be best for you, but it's certainly not a fix to you being the default parent, you'd just loose the man child to care for.

www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards

Or you step back...

Write the list of things you do for the house and the kids.
Tell him to pick half the tasks and they are now his.

What actually do you expect divorce to fix?
Consider that you would have no way to enforce him parenting the kids.
Maybe it would fix the fact that you expect him to be invested in raising the kids when he obviously thinks it is none of his business.

Are you trying to WFH with a 1 year old?

Divorce won't fix it. Only go that way if you really mean that your marriage is over. And you are sure you'd rather be single with 3x DC most of the time in whatever sort of home you can afford on your income and CM.

If you want to show him what you do, with the hope of improvement, I suggest you bugger off somewhere for a week and see how he copes.

Yes, a man who doesn’t take responsibility as a parent when you are together won’t suddenly start when you divorce. So unless being rid of the man-child will help your mental health, I am not sure divorce will help.
Try the list of tasks for him to do idea.
Your questions to him were good.

It's fixable if addressed at an early stage. You've left it a bit late though. That doesn't mean it isn't fixable now, but you've tilted the odds away from you compared to if you addressed it in the early days of your first child.

DH fell into expecting me to be "default parent" when DC1 was born, partly because that was the pattern of his parents, partly because he felt a bit out of his depth with the baby and sort of dumbly assumed that my possession of boobs and a uterus gave me some sort of instinctive insight he lacked. We fixed it before DC2 came along, but that involved 1) me pointing out, over and over, when he was just assuming I'd step up as default parent 2) me losing my shit at him about the difference between my post baby life and his and the fact that my boobs did not in fact give me magical insight into what was wrong with the baby 3) him spending a few months on SPL when I went back to work.

The trap many women fall into is picking up the slack so that there is no impact on their DC. And I get why. But the good thing about having older DC is that they are in a position to call him on it if he lets the ball drop. Make him responsible for more stuff and don't step in. Let that ball hit the floor. Also this depends on him giving a shit about you and about what his DC think of him and whether they are happy. If he doesn't care, then yes, nothing but divorce will work, and that only maybe.

Regrettably I think it can be. I know it can be that women assume roles but the difference is whether the man lets it happen.

The fact he criticizes you is a bad sign. I would give him a list of tasks, get marriage counselling for at least six months. If he gives a shit about you he will do it. If he won’t, then get a divorce.

A few obvious questions

• are you unhappy or lonely?
• can you support your family if your stbx plays dirty
• do you want to set your children the example of a decent relationship

You can try counselling but it won't work. If you want change, you need to leave.

I'm a single mum and life is much better having left a man like yours.

Yes. Once you've considered divorce it's like a line crossed. You will always immediately go there whenever anything goes wrong and it's easier when they are younger and not in exam years.
He might step up temporarily but will always try to revert to how things are now and resentment will grow. It's a major lack of respect.

Divorce is expensive, heartbreaking, exhausting and absolutely bloody awful.

Get the kids to bed, get some food delivered and talk to him about how you are wondering if it is time to think about a divorce. All this time means I think you should give him a chance. He has been a dickhead but some men need more telling. They shouldn't do but they do.

Tell him all you do, tell him it is embarrassing he didn't even know his kids school year and shoe size and why doesn't he want to know these things, tell him what he should be doing and ask him if he is willing to do and be better.

Then make a decision.

Good luck being anything other than the default parent post divorce

Relationship counselling would be worth a try? I think it's often used for these sorts of issues

Also- I am largely (post divorce ) a single parent, as exDH swans off all the time

I haven't a clue what shoe size my kids are. I think I know their teachers names. But I couldn't tell you what classes they are in.

Am still a good and attentive parent though!

Yep, splitting was the making of him as a dad. The 50/50 means we do everything equally and it's brilliant

YANBU, divorce won’t fix it though. My son sees his dad EOW, he wouldn’t have a clue the answers to your questions. You may be more on your own than ever unless your ex wants to be more actively involved.

In theory, this book makes lots of sense but didn’t work in my case. I tried but unless the other party is willing, it will fail. Neither will couples therapy, if your husband isn’t willing to pull his weight

You will be single, running your home and still do everything related to your children but won’t need to deal with that extra one (ex husband)

You can fix a default parenting situation, but the problem you have is bigger. You have an ungrateful ‘couldn’t give a shit husband’ who clearly doesn’t respect you or your contribution… I’d be more inclined to go the divorce route in that scenario.

Yes. Which is near enough impossible. I arrange all my meetings around nap times and end up working all kind of hours and weekends to ensure I can parent him the way I want to and do my job. Hence the massive effect on my mental health. I have asked about using our 15 hours free childcare and he has said no as he is not comfortable with anyone else looking after our baby.

When I divorced the first time his new gf's - a string - became the other parent. Never exh....
The dc went nc as teens as he never knew them at all.

This is what I fear is the case.

I have no idea what happened. Our relationship has always been loving and respectful. I've tried tracing it back and all I can think of is just before Covid, I took on this role to allow flexibility around childcare and school runs.

He is currently sat in the same room as me completely oblivious to how upset I am.

You don’t ask, you do. You offer for them to come to a nursery viewing and set days, the other option is they make themselves available for those 15 hours

Well then HE needs to look after the baby.

To be honest I'm now thinking that if we separate he can stop fooling himself and everyone around him that he is any part involved in our kids life.

I love him but he's become a massive burden and just another person to clean up for and do laundry for.