Aibu to think divorce is the only way to fix a 'default' parenting situation?

[unluckyinlife]

I've been with my husband for about 8.5 years. We have 3 kids (7,5,1) it has become really obvious to me that I am expected to do the brunt of the house and childcare and that my DH has apparently 0 thanks.

He made a comment tonight that I 'wonder through life cluelessly' which then caused a heated debate. We both work full time, however, I WFH for my own company (partnered with two other directors) in a role that I hate and has an awful effect on my mental health, whilst looking after our 1 year old. I do all school pick ups, birthday parties and swimming lessons alone. I have a part time job 3 evenings a week (it used to also be 2 x 12 shifts at the weekend but he asked me to stop those). I organise all food deliveries, birthday presents, appointments etc.

Today I asked him 3 questions

• what size shoes do our kids wear?

-what's their teachers name?

• what class are they in at school?

And he couldn't answer any of them, not even a clue.

Is there any way of fixing how unfair things are balanced?

Aibu for thinking the only fix is divorce?

Although I was not working FT when my children were young, I remained default parent since separating from their dad. I sort everything, presents for birthdays, new shoes, school trips, parent's evenings. Divorce is not the answer.

This! You desperately need to stop seeking permission to live a normal life and just do it. How dare he manipulate you in this sort of manner. Don’t stand for it OP. Why does he get to decide that you run yourself ragged all day with absolutely no consequence to himself. What an utterly obnoxious, selfish tosser! Tell him unless he looks after them himself then you're putting them into childcare. Do not let him rule you, your job will always keep you safe and in a good financial position. Not even the best man in the world is worth forfeiting that for. What does he think is gonna happen when they start school!? Utter moron.

He doesn't get to say that the baby shouldn't go yo nursery unless he is planning on looking after the baby full time. The baby will likely have more fun at nursery than staying in with a parent trying to work all day. This is not sustainable.

I put YABU only because my experience after divorce is that I still carry the mental load even though DD is with her Dad 50% of the time. I arrange all medical appointments, buy all clothes, make all arrangements for school/college, do all the paperwork for her benefits. Anything he does take on needs me to chase and chase to be resolved.

And all professionals contact me as the default parent even though I put his contact details down and explain she's there 50% of the time - they still call me first, never him first.

It fixes the problem of him being sneery about your job but he could do what thousands of other men do and do even less and go round saying it’s your fault - you keep him away from the kids blah blah blah. Many people believe that childcare is a woman’s job and that being a good divorced dad means paying CM without argument and seeing the kids for a few hours every other weekend (ie the bar is insanely low) These people may tell you that you should be grateful for all the help you get (lol) and say that you’re very lucky to have an ex like him.

To be completely honest, I was the same as you. Always looked at toxic relationships anx wondered why they had multiple kids. Believe it or not this only really become a big issue when I switched roles/covid.

It has gotten worse after the birth of my son (who was a completely unplanned pregnancy, I'd had the mirena coil when I conceived) but I'm unsure if it was his birth, the house move (150 miles away from my family) or his new Job and colleagues with no family responsibilities that kickstarted this.

@unluckyinlife I'm really sorry to hear that and appreciate your candidness, it's just always some that's made me curious, to be clear he's the tool here. I think you're in a really hard stage right now with a 1 year old, with or without your husband it will get better.

Either he takes off 15 hours per week to look after the baby or use childcare? Sure he’ll say something like he can’t take time off because he has to work, but you can say you have to work too and ask why his special man job takes priority?

Also, don’t go writing any lists of jobs for him to do as that’s just yet another task. Just tell him that from today, he’s in charge of all household laundry, all washing up, all vacuuming and all bathroom cleaning….or whatever jobs you want/need him to do, whether they be house related or child related (eg bedtimes). Then do not under any circumstances do any of those jobs when he doesn’t do them. That will happen, he will forget. But just leave them, as painful as it’ll be.

Or maybe just tell him that he’s morphed into his dad and he’s “cluelessly wondering through this house like magic fairies live here doing chores and childcare”.

With such a husband, I'd say divorce is the solution.
At least it'll divide the childcare.
Crazy.

It’s shocking that you’re working so many hours, banned from using childcare and running the household. He’s put you under huge amounts of unnecessary stress. He sounds controlling, selfish and disengaged and nothing like a loving partner.

Op it might be worth relocating to where your family and friends are so that you have proper support. Access as much formal childcare as you need, 15 hours or more. Don’t ask his opinion, just book your child in after visiting provisions.

Then you cannot love him.
I wouldn't.
He's the clueless one, without an ounce of respect towards you.
My husband would have been single again for a long time, if he tried something similar.
Obviously a different situation here.
Sorry.

So he didn't do anything with the first child as now you have 3 this surprises you?

It won't change now

@unluckyinlife tell your DH how you feel and that you want to work it out How he reacts is key - hopefully he loves you enough to want to work it out too. Divorce is not a solution in this scenario, it is an admission of failure. Unless there is a Prince Charming waiting in the wings to jump in and be the perfect step-dad you will inevitably be worse off, and your children's mental health will be damaged by the break-up and everything that follows.

Good luck.

Divorce won't solve the default parenting problem because you'll end up doing everything because he's somewhere else.

However, it'll solve the sharing your life with a miserable bastard intent upon dragging you down at every opportunity problem.

He's not comfortable with someone else looking after his child because his preferences have zero effect on him. All the consequences fall on you. If he's not happy with someone else looking after DC for 15 hours then he needs to go part time to do it because you'd be comfortable putting DC into childcare and you need to work undistracted. What's his solution because you cannot carry on as you are. Toddlers are relentless!

So just to update in case anyone reads. I poke to him and said either he needs to commit to change or we will separate. He didn't respond and said he wanted to just listen for now.

I personally think this is a delay tactic as when I first said I was still upset after yesterday he joked that we hadn't had sex in a while and maybe that's why I was in a mood.

It just really pushed me even further away from him that he can't see how serious this is.

Sounds like the mask has slipped now you're miles away from family and with a third child to care for. He thinks he has you trapped and doesn't need to even pretend he's not a dreadful father and partner.

I personally think this is a delay tactic as when I first said I was still upset after yesterday he joked that we hadn't had sex in a while and maybe that's why I was in a mood.

Call a lawyer Monday morning and divorce this pathetic excuse for a man. What an absolute prick.

Also, wanted to say I've contacted a few different childcare settings to have a look Monday. I'm putting things in place to make things easier for the kids and I in any event.

Stop doing his laundry for a start.

Point out that HE won't let you get a break with the 15 hours, so something has to give - and it's his laundry first of all. The look at other stuff you do that only benefits him and knock that on the head. Harsh, but he isn't giving you you much support.

Leaving DH aside, running a business is hard too and a big mental load. Going back to being employed might remove a lot of stress.