Aibu to think divorce is the only way to fix a 'default' parenting situation?

[unluckyinlife]

I've been with my husband for about 8.5 years. We have 3 kids (7,5,1) it has become really obvious to me that I am expected to do the brunt of the house and childcare and that my DH has apparently 0 thanks.

He made a comment tonight that I 'wonder through life cluelessly' which then caused a heated debate. We both work full time, however, I WFH for my own company (partnered with two other directors) in a role that I hate and has an awful effect on my mental health, whilst looking after our 1 year old. I do all school pick ups, birthday parties and swimming lessons alone. I have a part time job 3 evenings a week (it used to also be 2 x 12 shifts at the weekend but he asked me to stop those). I organise all food deliveries, birthday presents, appointments etc.

Today I asked him 3 questions

• what size shoes do our kids wear?

-what's their teachers name?

• what class are they in at school?

And he couldn't answer any of them, not even a clue.

Is there any way of fixing how unfair things are balanced?

Aibu for thinking the only fix is divorce?

That’s emotional blackmail given that he is not prepared to step up and share the load. What exactly will happen if you just enrol your DC for the childcare and get on with taking them?

"Hence the massive effect on my mental health. I have asked about using our 15 hours free childcare and he has said no as he is not comfortable with anyone else looking after our baby."

That right there is reason to leave. How fucking dare he. If he feels that way then he picks up the burden not dump it on you. I had an ex like this. He was ultimately abusives and I didn't see it. I pushed back and had to work because I had the mortgage to pay and ex got nasty. He didn't actually care about our child he cared about me not being independent. He then fought me for contact and palms kids off on his mum or his new gf. Literally anyone will do so long as he doesn't have to parent. It was never about what he felt best for the kid it was to stop me getting out the house

Anyway he fought me for contact and has EOW. I swear to god I get more free time and time off now than I ever did in that relationship.

I think if you are married you owe it to the cows you made to try councilling first. Be very clear about how you feel and issue the ultimatum. But after giving your best effort if he hasn't matched you then LEAVE. Divorce is freedom from men like this. I'm still default parent and my ex still knows nothing about the kids and doesn't do anything real to parent them. But I get 36 hours a fortnight off and that sleep and the social life and freedom is more than I ever got coupled up. Absolutely worth it 100%

It helped me, and ex stepped up to virtually an equal share. Obviously no guarantees of that, but to be honest even if he hadn't I'd still feel happier, because I've lost the resentment that sharing a house with him leaving it all to me brought.

It may not be the only way, but it's what I resorted to, and it worked. It's SO hard to change such embedded roles and patterns.

I think this is the path I'm going to take.
I'm really hurt by tonight. I knew he was getting worse with how little is involved and I find myself making excuses.
It's my daughters birthday party next week and to be completely honest I wouldn't be surprised if he came up with an excuse to not come or leave early.
I think this has come to make or break territory.
He has turned into FIL and the ironic thing is he has always said how much he hated the way his dad treated his mum.
I do not want my sons to turn into this or my daughter to tolerate it. Something needs to change.

Tell him to f right off with this crap. Unless he’s going to stay home with the toddler you don’t ask you tell. Nobody can work and look after a one year old without burning out.

He does not get to decide that. Frankly, given his attitude, he doesn't get asked. Use the childcare

I'm definitely unhappy but I have no idea what to do.
I love him but I hate the way he acts towards our family and that I am always expected to be the one to do things.

We live in a completely new area of the country (about 15 months) I have 0 family support here. Only 1 good school mum friend. I have no idea to work out financially what I could and couldn't afford (I imagine id have to give up my part time job at the least).

I genuinely have never thought of leaving until this. I feel like I've been completely binded and now feel clueless

DH doesn’t get a day unless he’s going to do the childcare himself.

Get that baby in a nursery.

Honestly, I think divorce can be a godsend in some respects, especially for women. My controversial take is that seeing divorce only as a last resort just traps women in marriages that exhaust them.
Why work so hard for someone who doesn't pull their weight or even appreciate it?
Marriages take two people to work. If only one of you is willing to do that work, there's not a lot you can do about it.
If it's not working for you, leave.
My DC were young when I split from XH and life immediately got ten times easier. I didn't have to deal with him objecting to how I did things while doing fuck all himself. Looking back, I should have done it much earlier.

No need to rush into divorce. Keep it in mind as a long term plan.
Meanwhile, sort out your support network, finances, and work out where you could afford to live.
Could you move back to where your family are? Would you have to change jobs? Would that be too far for him to have the kids for weekends?
Would it be best to wait a few years until youngest is in school?
Can you wait that long?

Have a proper plan before you divorce. Keep your cards close to your chest - don't let on what you are thinking.

Divorce was brilliant for me because I actually got every other weekend for ME.

Divorce him. It’s marvellous without these losers.

for a while mine did two days a week of parenting. Now he has a poor sap of a woman who does it for him

it won’t fix it. If they don’t parent when together they will parent even less when separated. I still split, but I knew going into that I would carry the parenting role, and he wouldn’t. It was easier though.

Bear in mind that mine doesn’t even do every other weekend. Once a month if I’m lucky and I work around his shifts. And there’s no way of forcing a man to parent.

What???? Why does he get to make the only one to make a decision. Why doesn’t he try and work while looking after the baby. This is ridiculous. You need to just get the childcare, seriously. Even a couple of days a week would make such a difference.

It is amazing how quickly it gets outsourced isn’t it.

Have you pointed out to him that he's turned into the father whose behaviour he hated - might be worth a try?

Well, first of all, you don't need his permission to do this. You just do it.

This ☝️

Alongside This is how your marriage ends by Matt Fray.

Certainly cheaper than divorce 👍

That there is the problem. I’m a SAHM and I don’t know off the top of my head what my children’s shoe sizes are, nor do I see what importance that has.

But being told I was expected to simultaneously work and look after a toddler because my husband wouldn’t either use childcare or look after the toddler himself, that would enrage me. Does he genuinely think doing both simultaneously is a sensible thing to do (in which case why doesn’t he take the toddler to work with him?) or is he trying to blackmail you into being a SAHM when you don’t want to be?

You need to book your dc into childcare. Tell him this isn’t working as a family, you aren’t prepared to be unemployed as he’s giving the impression your marriage won’t last, so either he takes over care for dcs or you use childcare. You not working is not an option in an unstable marriage.

I never understand why relationships like this then end up with 3 kids, making the situation so much harder and more complicated, surely he had shown his colours by the third. Anyway, it really depends on how much work has gone into the marriage up to this point, is it an issue that's been raised time and time again with no resolution? Or have you been quietly seething? Either way he's not a good partner but perhaps potential to change if the latter. If the former, the divorce isn't about parenting, it's about his lack of respect and love for you, which is of course an acceptable reason for divorcing. It won't stop you being the default parent though.

OP is saying that she’s the one who sorts and buys the shoes. DH is clueless because he considers it to be her job.

Putting the toddler in childcare seems like an obvious quick fix here and will give you some breathing space. You can't make a decision when you are exhausted with poor mental health. He doesn't get a say unless he is going to reduce his hours and look after them .

Really shocking he doesn't know what class your kids are in. Ask him how he would be able to parent if you were hit by a bus tomorrow?!

You need to stop quietly seething and start vocally seething! Don't be a maytr you and the children deserve better.

I think this is a fairly standard state of efforts and is very depressing. Lack of basic knowledge about their children is the default for many fathers.