So much loss this year - I don't want to celebrate Christmas

[Marciem]

This may end up being one big long rant, so apologies in advance.

I have 2 daughters, 27 and 24. My husband and their dad passed away when the youngest was just a few months old on Boxing Day 2000, very suddenly. That loss has forever tainted Christmas for me.
I sold the house and a long with my parents (only child) moved to a small town in Yorkshire, as a primary school teacher there was no need for me to be living in a city and I felt I could offer my kids more from a smaller cheaper town. I was able to be mortgage free and I dedicated every moment of my life to my girls, I didn't date and with my parents help they did ballet, tennis, piano, hockey you name it. They were my one and only focus for 18 years.
I struck gold and got two wonderfully intelligent, funny and beautiful girls. My eldest went to study medicine at Edinburgh after her gap year, now just started her training to be a GP. My youngest studied Law and French at UCL after her gap year, now just finished her SQE and doing her training contract with a top firm. I couldn't be prouder of them if I tried, putting the academic things aside which while I'm proud of them for it, isn't what defines them. I'm proud of how kind, loving and warm they are as people.
This year I've lost both of my parents, this wasn't unexpected they were both ill and mid-late 80s, but I am devastated. After my girls left home I put all my energy into caring for my parents, avoiding external care which they would have hated as much as possible. I went part-time at work once both girls had finished uni, went to my parents before work, at lunch if I could and after. I loved them so much and losing them has left me feeling so empty. I also lost my closest friend, she was like an aunt to my children and her death was sudden. She had spent every Christmas for the last 20 years with my family.
Now Christmas is almost here, usually this is my favourite time of year. My girls will both be home but not for very long, both arriving the 23rd and leaving boxing day, both bringing their boyfriends. They will arrive late on the 23rd and leave around 9am on the 26th. This will be the first time I've spent the anniversary of my husbands death alone.
I'm trying to get festive but I just can't. I usually do my girls lovely stockings, but I have no motivation to shop. I always love buying and wrapping gifts but I don't want to this year. I don't want to cook a big dinner, or go to church and praise a lord I'm not certain I believe in. I'm half tempted to tell the girls to go ahead and go to their boyfriend's families this year and I'll see them next year when hopefully I will be over this rough patch. It's even impacting my work. I can't get excited about The Nativity or Christmas Party when usually these are some of my favourite things.

AIBU to feel like this? What can I do to get into the spirt when I feel so low?

Sorry to hear you feel so low and it's not surprising

I have no real advice but the only thing I'd say is to talk to your daughters and tell them how you're feeling. You may find they have the answers to helping lift your spirits a little bit

Of course you're not unreasonable. If there were absolutely no one else to consider, what would you actually prefer to do -- go away? Do something entirely unChristmassy like climbing a mountain on Christmas Day? Spending the day alone watching films?

Think about what sounds most appealing to you (even if you'd rather put yourself in a voluntary coma and wake up at New Year), and then maybe talk to your daughters.

If I was you and I could afford it, I'd head off somewhere sunny and ask your girls to go to their in laws.... Christmas is especially awful the year of a bereavement/s. If you just want to stay at home and forget it for this year then do that.

You are not alone. I’ve lost very important people this year too. I guess the only advice I have is to appreciate what you do have and that is 2 amazing daughters who are going to be with you for a few days.

Talk to your daughters and come up with an alternative Christmas. For various reasons I don't like this time of year, since my DH died we have a very quiet time. We eat what we want, not Christmas type food. Not religious so don't do church and frankly we prefer it.
There really is no need to do anything that you don't want to do. Make some new traditions, I hope whatever you do it's peaceful.

It's impossibly hard isn't it? I think saying that out loud to your daughters may help, not in a manipulative way (I'm not saying you would) but just to explain that you aren't feeling it this year and can we do something different? T=

Maybe do Christmas with the girls and then plan to go away afterwards… spend new years in a lodge with a hot tub, kindle and a glass of fizz. Or in the sun/ top of a mountain etc. whatever you choose

talk to your dds tell them it’s low key this year… and I’m sure they will step in to help you through it.. organising food, cooking with you. It won’t be the Christmas’s you have celebrated before but it can still be ok.

I'm so sorry for your losses, that's a lot and it must be hard.

I think you need someone to look after you this year. I think you need to just turn up and be looked after somewhere. Your girls sound lovely and a credit to you, can you tell them how you feel and ask them to help you arrange it.

I would change the routine, go somewhere else, do something different. Consider what would make you feel as happy and as comfortable as possible, even if it's trekking across the Andes or whatever.

I think after all these years it's time for you to put yourself first but you have no idea how to as you've never done it.

Oh bless you, I'm so sorry for the year you've had and for the loss of your parents and your husband. Your girls sound wonderful, you are right to be proud.

I'd have an honest talk with them about how you are feeling and maybe you can come up with some ideas together- perhaps they could do the cooking? Or bin the trad Christmas meal and have something different this year? It's fine to skip things that you are not in the mood for- feeling like you ought to be doing X or Y is the thing that is going to guarantee you don't want to do it so take some of the pressure off yourself and give yourself permission to have a completely different Christmas this year. You might find that this makes some of it seem a bit more appealing, or you might not, and both are fine.

Really sorry for your losses, you sound like you’ve been a wonderful mum. I echo what others have said, how about booking a luxury cruise if you can afford it, either over Christmas itself or immediately after so you have something to distract you? That way there will be plenty of people you can chat to, or not if you prefer and you’ll get to eat nice food and drink with zero effort and visit a few places!

I'm really sorry you've had so much loss. I was also widowed when my daughter was small and I hear you. I think going elsewhere if it's not too late to arrange would be a good idea. My favourite Christmasses since I was widowed were abroad. Could you book a mini break for all of you? If not, at least go out to a restaurant on the day, don't pressure yourself to cook.

Bigger picture wise do you think Christmas is triggering some reflections about your life now? It sounds like you've spent many years prioritising others and now there isn't much to tie you down - but that's lonely too. Maybe next year is your year to think about what the next chapter looks like? Do you want to date? Or move somewhere else?

I’m sorry for your losses and your feelings are completely understandable.
Personally I would want to stick to the plans of the girls coming at Christmas. Treasure the ones that are still here. If you send them to their boyfriends it will start the pattern early if them potentially alternating years between the parents, or they may think you just don’t want to do Christmas in the long term.
I would then do something nice for New Year. Pamper yourself, go away, do something you have been putting off. It might energise you for the year ahead and give you your mojo back. The people who you have lost would want you to carry on living and enjoying your life.
Think about what your parents would say if they knew how you were feeling, what advice they would give, and do that.

Depending on how you are fixed money wise could you go to a nice hotel with your two dds and their bfs. You would be wined & dined in comfort .
Saying that l"m sure your girls love coming home for Christmas and unwinding. So look to the positive as them bringing their partners means they are very comfortable at home and looking forward to joining you. Have a chat with them telling them you are struggling so it may not be the greatest Christmas ever. So take pressure off yourself.
Your dps passing will have brought back memories of your dhs death so it's a double whammy for you so go easy on yourself.

You've suffered some awful losses, I really feel for you 💜
I struggle with Christmas due to loss as well, different circumstances to you. But the whole atmosphere of Christmas, and especially the long drawn-out build up to it seems to heighten all emotions and pain.
When Christmas finally arrives, when I go to see family on Christmas Eve, I usually find it a bit of a relief actually, it's like I can stop feeling so much now that it's finally here. I wonder if this will be the same for you? You might feel dreadful building up to it, but when your daughters arrive you can just let it go a bit.
My advice would be to have no expectations - there is no right way to do this. Acknowledge that you are going to feel awful and put no pressure at all on yourself to feel better.
Explain to your daughters how you feel. They have suffered loss too, and though it's different for you/them, they might be relieved to hear you don't want to do Christmas in the usual way.
Plan to have a Christmas meal, it doesn't need to be festive if you're not up to it, spag bol, lasagne, anything. But you want to eat together.
The fact that they are both bringing a partner is a good thing - you have two people there who are not grieving. There will be two people to start conversations and distract when any or all of you three women are struggling.
Have a loose plan for yourself on Boxing Day. Wave them off and do something yourself that feels appropriate. You might want to visit graves? Or plan a walk. Being outdoors will do you good.

This is very normal, the first Christmas after a big loss is usually utterly awful. Huge sympathy.

But be careful you don’t cut your nose off to spite your face. Would you really prefer not to see your daughters even briefly? Things I would consider would be going somewhere else, like a nice self catering cottage by the sea and doing Christmas there- alternative if you’d prefer (get a Chinese and go for a walk?). I’d also consider if it were me asking if they’d come without their boyfriends this once if that is what’s worrying you (you may be fine with it though). The girls have also lost their grandparents so it may be hard for them not too see you at all.

Of course YANBU, OP.

It isn’t that long since we lost my beloved DB, whom I helped to bring up, in a freak accident. Christmas will never be the same. I don’t think I will ever be able to bear sharing with DH’s side of the family, who are lovely people but have no idea what a death like this does to you, again.

We go away at Christmas, either to my side of the family or by ourselves, as I find our house with memories of DB’s times here - which are otherwise soothing - too painful at Christmas.

Please be good to yourself this year. I feel sure your DDs will understand.

Also I agree a lot of people are very emotionally fragile at Christmas because you can’t help but remember people who aren’t around. It’s a standing joke in our house that I weep my way through away in a manger and silent night EVERY BLINKING YEAR the first time I hear it. These days though I can sort of embrace the sadness and just see it as part of the season.

Sorry posted in error as the doorbell went!
💐 for you OP.

With everything you have been through I don't think it is surprising you can't feel much joy at the moment. I would do my best to have a lovely few days with your daughters when they come, and go away somewhere bright, hot and sunny immediately afterwards. Do you have a friend or cousin who would like to go too? Or someone you have been planning to visit but couldn't due to your caring responsibilities?

Best to accept that this Christmas is just one to get through I would say.

I would order some nice food now to collect nearer the time and then forget about it. I bet you don't often have both your girls home with you for a whole day. There'll be two other people to socialise with, play board games, go for a walk, etc. It could just be a nice time spent with other adults rather than any kind of expectation.
Or, you could volunteer somewhere. I have a friend who helps at a homeless shelter at Christmas and she loves it.

YANBU, and I am sorry for all your heartache, but I just wanted to say how incredible you are. What a devastating thing you and your DDs went through, and what an amazing job you’ve done raising them as a lone parent. I hope you have a Christmas that works for you. It’s hard when you’ve always looked after others your whole life, and they are no longer here.

Of course YANBU - you feel the way you feel and it's not surprising given the tremendous losses you've suffered this year and the association of Christmas with the death of your DH. I can understand your reluctance to celebrate, but equally I wouldn't push your DDs away this Christmas as I think you're likely to just spend the whole time crying and feeling utterly miserable if you tell them to go elsewhere and then find yourself home alone for the entire Christmas period, seeing no one and with all the shops shut, etc. I would tell your DDs how you're feeling, ask them to help you with the food prep and if shopping and doing stockings is just too much this year, ask them if they would mind if you took a break from that, just to ease your load a bit. I'm sure they will understand and not mind a bit.

If I were your daughter and you told me how you felt I would understand and find an alternative solution for Christmas.

Definitely speak to them.

It sounds like you've done a spectacular job of raising beautiful, funny, considerate women and now you should trust in yourself enough to know they would want to find a solution with you and they wouldn't want you to feel obligated to be uncomfortable, or lonely.

And it's OK to not feel festive all the time. It doesn't mean it will be like this every year. You've had a hard time and you're in a state of healing, everything feels raw and forcing yourself to do Christmas with all the trimmings and stressing yourself out is counterproductive.

This

You've suffered so much loss and given so much of yourself. You deserve to be looked after.

Speak to your girls. They sound wonderful (a credit to you) they'll understand and want to make you happy. Let them xxx