So much loss this year - I don't want to celebrate Christmas

[Marciem]

This may end up being one big long rant, so apologies in advance.

I have 2 daughters, 27 and 24. My husband and their dad passed away when the youngest was just a few months old on Boxing Day 2000, very suddenly. That loss has forever tainted Christmas for me.
I sold the house and a long with my parents (only child) moved to a small town in Yorkshire, as a primary school teacher there was no need for me to be living in a city and I felt I could offer my kids more from a smaller cheaper town. I was able to be mortgage free and I dedicated every moment of my life to my girls, I didn't date and with my parents help they did ballet, tennis, piano, hockey you name it. They were my one and only focus for 18 years.
I struck gold and got two wonderfully intelligent, funny and beautiful girls. My eldest went to study medicine at Edinburgh after her gap year, now just started her training to be a GP. My youngest studied Law and French at UCL after her gap year, now just finished her SQE and doing her training contract with a top firm. I couldn't be prouder of them if I tried, putting the academic things aside which while I'm proud of them for it, isn't what defines them. I'm proud of how kind, loving and warm they are as people.
This year I've lost both of my parents, this wasn't unexpected they were both ill and mid-late 80s, but I am devastated. After my girls left home I put all my energy into caring for my parents, avoiding external care which they would have hated as much as possible. I went part-time at work once both girls had finished uni, went to my parents before work, at lunch if I could and after. I loved them so much and losing them has left me feeling so empty. I also lost my closest friend, she was like an aunt to my children and her death was sudden. She had spent every Christmas for the last 20 years with my family.
Now Christmas is almost here, usually this is my favourite time of year. My girls will both be home but not for very long, both arriving the 23rd and leaving boxing day, both bringing their boyfriends. They will arrive late on the 23rd and leave around 9am on the 26th. This will be the first time I've spent the anniversary of my husbands death alone.
I'm trying to get festive but I just can't. I usually do my girls lovely stockings, but I have no motivation to shop. I always love buying and wrapping gifts but I don't want to this year. I don't want to cook a big dinner, or go to church and praise a lord I'm not certain I believe in. I'm half tempted to tell the girls to go ahead and go to their boyfriend's families this year and I'll see them next year when hopefully I will be over this rough patch. It's even impacting my work. I can't get excited about The Nativity or Christmas Party when usually these are some of my favourite things.

AIBU to feel like this? What can I do to get into the spirt when I feel so low?

Send your girls to their boyfriends and go off on holiday somewhere and just get through it for this year normal service can resume once you’ve had the chance to breathe a bit

Honestly, I would say to your girls that they need to make other arrangements for Christmas and I would book myself a holiday somewhere where Christmas is not celebrated. I'm so sorry you've had such a terrible year.

Im sorry for your losses. You sound like a wonderful mum and you wouldn’t be unreasonable to put yourself first and do what you want to do this year.

Talk to your girls. They may understand more than you think. You don’t have to be Christmassy just because it’s Christmas. Do what you want to do.
My brother took his life last Christmas so I’m also struggling to get into it this year but my kids are young so I need to make more an effort. Your adult daughters will want you to be happy.

Sorry for your losses

After losses in our family, we changed what we do for Xmas

We now always have Xmas meal out at a restaurant. You will need to book up early.
(I aware that not everyone can afford to do this)

We try to find something to do
Example

Watch people doing a fancy dress charity fund raising swim in the sea

Visit a village with decorated windows, with a charity donation

Go for walk

Volunteer

Celebrate Xmas in July or on another date

Go abroad to a non Xmas celebrating country

There are different ways to celebrate Xmas

The pressure to be happy is insane. I feel the same, so I am focusing on Yule. The longest night. The seasonal shifts. Il do Xmas day for the kids but I'm not enjoying the pressures at all, it is OK to be sad xx

We go to the beach, lots of people charity swim and its a fun atmosphere

Absolutely reasonable. I lost my mum this year and I’m dreading Christmas. I’ve flights booked for Boxing Day and it’s helping get me through. I’d be gone the weekend before but the kids really want to home for Santa coming.

The other thing that I have seen & heard is people say

" I am not celebrating Xmas" !
( relative said this to me for several years, which I found hard)

However, this is very unfair on other people that wish to celebrate Xmas & who do not feel the same way

It sounds like you've had a very fulfilling and active life so far, and I think the idea of sitting around once the girls have gone isn't you.

I'm sure you'll get lots of advice telling you to take time for yourself and so on, but I'd personally go in the other direction - what can you do to make other people's Christmases a bit better that will take your mind off things and give you a distraction and purpose? Maybe you could get involved with a charity, a winter soup kitchen, some kind of volunteering or transporting people who don't have transport before and after Christmas when you don't have visitors. Food banks especially struggle in January after all the Christmas spirit has left. Or there are lots of non-Christmassy things you could donate your time to. My mum wasn't a very people-person, but when she was in a similar situation she did some crafts and such to donate to charity shops to sell.

I am very sorry for your recent losses. It really isn't surprising that you are struggling to feel Christmassy this year. It is so hard once the loved ones we spent Christmas with or at least had contact with have passed away. It leaves you wondering what next, and what to do instead, if anything.

Speak to your lovely daughters. Tell them how you are feeling and why, although of course you are looking forward to seeing them and having them around, you are struggling right now. They are probably concerned about how you are coping and what to do about it so might be open to discussion.

Consider how things could be done differently so as to take some of the pressure and expectation off you.

Look at options for going out for Christmas Dinner so that nobody has to cook. Maybe some good local restaurants or pubs might still have space but you might have to get in quickly as they do book up. If affording it could be an issue then perhaps everyone can chip in some. We always go out for Christmas Dinner (one of not many meals out during the year). I always tell my DH and now adult DDs when they start asking what to get for me that Christmas Dinner out with any of them who want to be there is all I want for Christmas really.

Look into booking a break away for yourself departing soon after your DDs have as it could give you something to look forward to rather than being on your own if you don't want to be.? Would that help?

If, on the other hand, you would prefer time on your own after or even during Christmas hithen don't feel guilty. Get some good books to read, consider some films or TV series you have missed out on watching because of your commitments up to now and promise yourself some of those, along with some nice, snacky comfort food to eat during them.

There are options. Some people even decide to spend Christmas alone and not celebrate at all, which is fine but isn't for everyone. You and your DDs need to have a chat soon to see what will work best.

You don't need to get into the spirit, it's not compulsory, so do what you want.
It's only brainwashing from birth that makes you think you must celebrate the annual bore that is Xmas.

So sorry to read this. You sound absolutely amazing, very resilient and a wonderful mum. Can you do something totally different, like have a Christmas city break in a hotel. I think a change of routine would be good. Or maybe instead of Christmas dinner a day of party food.

I’m so sorry for all of your losses.

It seems you have spent 24 years carrying the load. Gladly and willingly but nonetheless you have been the glue that held everything together.

Now it is your turn to put down your ‘responsibilities’ to make Christmas magic and explain very honestly to your lovely daughters that you are struggling and sad and how can they now support you?

Asking for help is a strength.

Very best wishes to you from someone else who has had a bereavement and isn’t feeling it this year.

When you say going out for dinner, it's abit late now, they get booked up.
Also why does she have to have an Xmas dinner, cook what you like and much cheaper also than being ripped off....
Again more pressure thinking you have to make an Xmas dinner.

Do what you like OP. You will feel so much more liberated.
This Christmas pressure, year in year out is a joke.

I would find an early flight on Boxing Day and do something completely self indulgent. A few days in the sun, visit a city you’ve always wanted to go to…

I think you should tell your girls you don't feel up to hosting this year and would want them to have a lovely time with their boyfriend's family and suggest a New Year's Day meal or something. Don't push yourself to do something you don't want to, it sounds like it is time to look after yourself.

Yanbu, my mum died in November last year and I couldn't face it so we went abroad for Xmas. Do whatever you feel you need to. Raise it with your daughters and see how they feel about the idea of going to their boyfriends, be honest, they will understand I'm sure. I'm so sorry for your losses.

If you read my full post (which I doubt), I didn't say that she had to do anything. I did also mention that restaurants get booked up (though ours still has a few spaces, some do).

I also mentioned that it is fine to not want to do anything, just have a chat with her daughters.

Like many people on here who have gone through this, I am just listing options which can be considered. Nobody HAS to do anything. I did say that is fine too.

I lost my DH last year. I kept Christmas, last year, to a minimum. I just did what I was up to doing. And ploughed through it. 🤷‍♀️

This year, I’m feeling slightly more on the up.

Just do what you are comfortable and happy doing. Condolences on your loss.💐

Your daughters are adults now, tell them how you feel and let them look after you a bit this year. Arrange a group video chat now, tell them you’re feeling a bit flat and ask them if you can all plan a cosy low key xmas together.

Would you like your girls to be with you on Boxing Day? Perhaps you could ask if they could stay an extra day (without the boyfriends maybe?) if that would be possible with their work, travel experience etc.

It's a great pity that your children can't be with you longer than only two full days when they know you've lost both your parents this year.

Just keep Christmas low-key and arrange to meet friends for coffees, walks etc. before and after your kids' visit. I wonder if the dark nights are getting you down too. Try to get out and get some exercise.

I've lost both my parents and gone through some really hard times. What I found works is keeping busy. Use this time to have a clear-out, do some baking, rearrange the furniture. It will keep your mind and hands occupied, and give you some satisfaction at the result.

This must have been a year from hell for you, and I’m so sorry to hear of all your losses. It is not surprising at all that you can’t connect with the festive spirit, I would be surprised if you could to be honest. I lost a dearly loved younger relative 3 years ago shortly before Christmas and while day to day life goes on because it has to, and even provides a sort of distraction, managing a time of year when the day to day stops and you’re supposed to be having a lovely time can feel overwhelming. There is also the resonance of losing your husband on Boxing Day. It is a very big thing to face that day on your own for the first time, when you have only just lost your beloved parents, and the thing that stood out is that everyone is leaving first thing in the morning on Boxing Day.

If you tell your daughters not to come, though, I would be concerned that you might feel terribly bleak, unless you really feel there’s something else that you would actually like to do. Unless you are really longing for some time on your own, just being alone at home doesn’t sound good. Would it be possible to talk to your daughters, I know you wouldn’t want to burden them, but tell them you feel very sad from the loss of your parents, and perhaps discuss how you could do Christmas this year in a way that feels easier?

Maybe go to a pub or hotel for Xmas day lunch. I would try my best to have my daughters at home. You will end up feeling even worse on your own.