So much loss this year - I don't want to celebrate Christmas

[Marciem]

This may end up being one big long rant, so apologies in advance.

I have 2 daughters, 27 and 24. My husband and their dad passed away when the youngest was just a few months old on Boxing Day 2000, very suddenly. That loss has forever tainted Christmas for me.
I sold the house and a long with my parents (only child) moved to a small town in Yorkshire, as a primary school teacher there was no need for me to be living in a city and I felt I could offer my kids more from a smaller cheaper town. I was able to be mortgage free and I dedicated every moment of my life to my girls, I didn't date and with my parents help they did ballet, tennis, piano, hockey you name it. They were my one and only focus for 18 years.
I struck gold and got two wonderfully intelligent, funny and beautiful girls. My eldest went to study medicine at Edinburgh after her gap year, now just started her training to be a GP. My youngest studied Law and French at UCL after her gap year, now just finished her SQE and doing her training contract with a top firm. I couldn't be prouder of them if I tried, putting the academic things aside which while I'm proud of them for it, isn't what defines them. I'm proud of how kind, loving and warm they are as people.
This year I've lost both of my parents, this wasn't unexpected they were both ill and mid-late 80s, but I am devastated. After my girls left home I put all my energy into caring for my parents, avoiding external care which they would have hated as much as possible. I went part-time at work once both girls had finished uni, went to my parents before work, at lunch if I could and after. I loved them so much and losing them has left me feeling so empty. I also lost my closest friend, she was like an aunt to my children and her death was sudden. She had spent every Christmas for the last 20 years with my family.
Now Christmas is almost here, usually this is my favourite time of year. My girls will both be home but not for very long, both arriving the 23rd and leaving boxing day, both bringing their boyfriends. They will arrive late on the 23rd and leave around 9am on the 26th. This will be the first time I've spent the anniversary of my husbands death alone.
I'm trying to get festive but I just can't. I usually do my girls lovely stockings, but I have no motivation to shop. I always love buying and wrapping gifts but I don't want to this year. I don't want to cook a big dinner, or go to church and praise a lord I'm not certain I believe in. I'm half tempted to tell the girls to go ahead and go to their boyfriend's families this year and I'll see them next year when hopefully I will be over this rough patch. It's even impacting my work. I can't get excited about The Nativity or Christmas Party when usually these are some of my favourite things.

AIBU to feel like this? What can I do to get into the spirt when I feel so low?

That's a LOT of identifying detail in your OP, especially for a teacher. Would you be worried/concerned about being identified by school mums/other staff in real life?

(I full understand OP may have changed details, if so fine. I just got the feel from her post it was all true).

@Marciem I am so sorry for your losses. I am also bereaved and dreading Christmas and started a thread seeking advice about what to do.

I saw your thread and wanted to draw your attention to a very beautiful post from @blueskies23
here which really helped me and Ithought may help you.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5210292-tragic-situation-can-you-help-me-decide-what-i-should-do-for-christmas?reply=139835312&utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share&utm_source=copylink

This bit particularly but the whole post is beautiful:

The loneliness will be profound anyway because your person is missing. Being in an unfamilar place makes it worse. Home is a comfort at times like this. Single meet ups etc are for when you have healed a little and have the energy to look outwards. It's lonely to be the only one grieving in the room. Stay at home, buy in a few treats, maybe have some tv/films lined up to view. Wear comfy clothes, be warm, sleep.

I hope we both get through it. Love to you. You do have you daughters. Please do focus on that even what they are doing this year isn't a comfort to you. It may help you to know that I envy you that so deeply because I have no one at all.

This made me cry I am so sorry for your losses.
Perhaps you should let your daughters know how you are feeling? We do all feel that we have to make Christmas for our children but maybe this year they help make it for you.
You sound like a wonderful mother and daughter and your girls are adults now and will know that you must be very sad right now.

Talk to your DDs and tell them how you feel.

They are probably looking forward to seeing each other as well as you.

Set out an alternative Xmas, get the girls and BFs to cook, or order a take away.

On boxing day do something to remember your DH and others who have passed. It might be a case of getting out old photos and a box of tissues.

I used to work with someone from Mexico and he would do the 'day of the dead' with an alter with photos of people who had passed away and candles. Would something like that help do you think?

Im so sorry for your losses.

However bad you’re feeling, I think that having your daughters with you will be more comforting than being away somewhere on your own.

In your position id pick one day this weekend and force myself to do a minimum to make Xmas work.

Order one present per person who will be there on Amazon and then give them all some money as well. If you usually do stockings order the things for them. Order a food shop of lots of picky treat bits to be delivered the day before they arrive. Book to go to a local restaurant or hotel for a Christmas Day meal. Find a local cleaner and book them to come the week before, clean the house and make up beds.

Then don’t think about Christmas again until the week before.

I think that you’re putting pressure on yourself to enjoy it but this year I think that you just need to get through it. I second everyone else’s suggestions of booking yourself a holiday and speaking to the girls about how you’re feeling.

For a friend, it’s the first Christmas without her DH.
SHE has decided to rent a cottage near her DCs over the festive period and break from their previous ways of doing things.

I see it as a really positive choice and a sign she’s getting on with her new life (not her old life back, that’s impossible).

You’re not being unreasonable. I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t think expecting someone to pass away softens the blow much.

Would you be able to have a frank conversation with your daughters? They might really want to spend that time with you at Christmas even though it’s short. It gets like that when couples have to split holidays between respective parents. Or they might want you to do what makes you feel best given your bereavement.

I would like to tell my experience when I was in a similar position, although no one was available to visit me that Christmas. I decided to ignore the whole thing - no decorations or special food- just carry on like any other weekend. I was fine until Christmas morning when I realised my mistake (too late to do anything about it) and was astonishly upset. It sounds ridiculous, I know. I felt ridiculous at the time but I cried my eyes out.

I strongly recommend you go along with the plans. Your girls won’t be expecting much ho ho ho from you and being with them might make you feel better than you are expecting but being on your own may very well make you feel much worse.

Whatever you decide I hope it goes well for you and that 2025 is a much better year