Emotionally unsupportive husband

[jumperoo2738]

I have had a day. One of those emotional convos with your toxic boomer parent horrible horrible convo. I couldn't concentrate the whole day. Had to cancel work (never ever done that)

I cried all day. Husband was due to be out at work drinks. He offered to call but you know when you will just cry more and I was trying to pull it together to pick up our kid which wasn't far off. I told him it was possibly the worst day emotionally I have ever had in my life.

He asked me how I was after pick up. I said still crying.

He asked shall I come home and I know some person will say well why didn't you just say yes but it absolutely hit me. He is not emotionally in tune. It just would have meant so much support for me for him to say "I'm coming home"

I'm sick and tired of him getting all the support he needs but when I need it "well you didn't say come home" FFS cancelling work, crying all day and night - do I have to ask?!

Now it's after midnight. I'm still crying and he's still out. I can't believe he's proceeded with his social evening late. Fine go out because the damage is done but staying out so late and not checked in.

I'm so upset. Please no rude people.

OP what was so dreadful about your conversation with your parents that caused this? Crying all day and night is quite dramatic, do you often have extreme emotional responses like this? If you wanted your husband to come home, you should have said so. I can understand not wanting to leave an enjoyable night out to go home because his wife's upset after an argument with her parents. Is this an ongoing issue with your family? Maybe he's just tired of it?

No, this is not a regular occurrence hence my shock at the lack of support. I have never cancelled work because of being upset. Generally I am independent and a problem solver.

I don't want to go into the convo but it was horrible.

I'm so sorry you've had an awful day. I totally understand as my mum is very hard work to be around and we've always had a difficult relationship. I know what it's like to have one of those soul destroying conversations.
So I don't mean to be harsh to you here but I think you are being a bit unfair.
You know yourself that you should have told him when he asked, that you wanted him to come home.
It's a fools errand to think other people can really make you feel better.. I'm not saying they shouldn't try.. but I think sometimes it's easier to feel angry at someone for not making you feel better than it is to feel the pain you were going thru iyswim.
Your dh isn't living inside your head. You might think it's obvious what you need but you literally told him the opposite. And now you are thinking to yourself that because he hasn't just understood what you wanted without you saying it, that he must not care about you.
Perhaps on some level it's easier to feel angry at him because there's some Hooe of resolution.
Maybe the real person you want to actually care about you is your toxic boomer parent. But there's no hope of resolution there. So you are playing it out with your husband. Fir some sign you are loveable and someone cares about you and will prioritise you. Like your parent should do.
But really that's a lot to project onto a partner.
I mean I don't know him so I don't know the general state of your relationship... if he's constantly unable to give you any emotional support then that's obviously a problem..
But from just what you've written I think it sounds like you are projecting your insecurities onto him here.. the emotions caused by your interaction with your parent now being focused on him.
If I were you I'd talk to him about it tomorrow when you feel a bit calmer and just share your genuine feelings with him.
Tell him you wish you had told him to not go out as you could have done with his support. Tell him you didn't want to ruin his night out but you did struggle.
I think it's always worth trying to be honest abd open about how you feel. It's not realistic to expect anyone to be able to truly understand abd support you if you aren't.

I do hear what you are both saying.

I get it is not straightforward but whenever he is having a drama I am so very supportive and he knows that.

So my head hears what you are saying but my heart feels let down. From a practical point of view it was hard to keep my tears from the toddler and his event was not crucial he is a very social being. We both are.

I wouldn’t expect my DH to cancel his work plans because I was upset. It would literally have to be a life and death situation.

Okay thanks all. The answer is yes I am being unreasonable then.

Of course your heart feels let down. It would be lovely if he had managed to understand what you wanted without you saying and then that was more important to him than his plans.
But you know that's a complete fantasy because there's hardly anyone on this planet who would have managed to do that. So it's really not indicative of how much he loves or cares about you.
There are probably times when you haven't guessed what he's wanted or needed in your life together too. There's probably times he's said he's fine when he wasn't. This is life.
You've just got to look at the bigger picture. Is this man there for you generally? Overall does he make you happy and is your life together happy? If the answer to these questions is yes then I'd seriously just try and not let this get to you. It's a let down he wasn't able to sense the severity of your emotional state without you saying.. but you know deep down you are being unreasonable. He's some man not a fairytale Prince.

Completely over the top dramatics just because you've had hurty words with a parent! I expect your husband felt embarrassed.

Yes you felt upset and hurt after talking to your parent but but carrying it on all day in floods of tears is way over the top.

How will you cope with a real problem?

I can understand why you feel like you do. You wanted him to show you how much he cares about you by deciding to come home himself. Rather than having to ask him to come because you then don't know if he's come back just because you asked him to, so to speak.

The trouble is sometimes some men are a bit thick and don't connect actions and facts with emotions. He probably hasn't considered that by not coming home, you are going to feel unloved. He's probably thinking "She had a horrible conversation with her parent. That sucks, but it's over. If I go home I don't know what to say to make her feel better. Plus I've got this work thing on. I know I will turn up later on when she's calmed down a bit and give her a cuddle". Or something like that. Some men find emotions in others hard to understand. He might be thinking that you will ask him to come back if it's really bad and because you didn't then you are probably ok.

Thank you for the balanced response. You're right.

Overall I'm just very upset and obviously not as rational as I can be.

Just frustrating isn't it. They get all this from us. I would defo get this from a female friend too!

Luckily a once in a lifetime kind of level upset.

Before you send mean responses you should consider you have no idea how serious that convo was. Could relate to sexual abuse as a child or any array of topics so be careful who you abuse online. There's no obligation to reply.

I think that is a bit harsh and judging. We have no idea what was said or why this had such a dramatic effect on the OP. If it's something that's never happened before, it's possible it's something very very upsetting, that they are having a very hard time dealing with. Even if it's the OP being "overly dramatic", how is it helping to judge them. If you were really concerned about the OP being overly dramatic, it might have been more helpful to advise them to get support for it.

Yes we don’t know the content of the conversation with parents so I can’t say if Op is being OTT or not in her reaction to it but based on the limited info we have no, I’d not expect your husband to cancel his plans.

That said, this jumped out at me: I get it is not straightforward but whenever he is having a drama I am so very supportive and he knows that.

I think from now on you need to match his energy a bit more. If he has some drama leave him to it - well obviously check in with him like he has you but don’t necessarily cancel your plans etc OR even better while things are calm for both of you speak to him about how you haven’t felt the support you give is reciprocated. It may not necessarily be about this incident but just in general.

It’s a very common thing women in todays world complain about - their male partners not giving them as much support as female friends and it’s something that many actually normalise when it shouldn’t be IMO. As it just turns into women expecting other women to do emotional labour while letting “their man” off the hook.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I get it. Nobody is in their right mind when you are dealing with something devastating, once in a lifetime thing. I'm guessing he doesn't exactly know the whole of the conversation with your parent. Or maybe he's actually a bit scared of the subject and might be worried about making it worse.

Hopefully you will be able to carve some time when it's just the two of you and you can explain it and get his support. It sounds like it's something you are going to need a while to work through. Be kind to yourself and patient with each other. He might need a bit of help to understand how you would like him to help you.

Yeah I was thinking this. Just hard because naturally I am a problem solver! Which makes today ironic being all upset all day.

I'm sure with some sleep it will feel better.

Thank you @BeNavyCrab really appreciate your kindness

You're most welcome. I've been the person thinking "Why the hell haven't you noticed I'm so upset" too. It's only when sitting down and talking about it, that I've come to understand that some times they just don't know it. Still think that they are a bit bloody blind 😂😂, but at least you learn that it's not a lack of love but a lack of perception.

Everything looks better when you aren't tired and your eyes are dry. It's really difficult holding back very strong emotions and keeping the family running, so definitely try to get some you time to do something you find comforting.

Regardless of what the conversation was about, you have a husband who offered to come home from work because you were upset. I would think most OHs wouldn't even offer that. A lot wouldn't even cross their minds to offer. And you said no!! If you stop expecting perfection then you will hopefully be able to see he's doing a pretty damn good job of emotionally supporting you. You could have said yes and had more support when he got back but you chose not too. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So normally you cope well and solve your own problems, this is your norm and what DH expects. Yesterday you weren't coping but didn't effectively communicate this. You told him you were having a bad day but didn't tell him to come home. He drew on his experience of you as a coper and assumed you were just sounding off. I don't think he's in the wrong as you didn't effectively communicate your needs. Without knowing the nature of the conversation it all sounds incredibly emotional and dramatic and not at all the reaction of a coper so if he knew the content of the conversation and it was huger than huge then maybe he was unreasonable, there's not enough information to really judge. The moral of the story is to clearly communicate your needs.

Accepted above this is my fault.

But this is a bit of a perfect forum isn't it

I alllllways cope so I'm not allowed one day after a life changing conversation to not cope. He doesn't ask me to do every little emotional thing but when I does he reacts like oh my gosh that was so thoughtful.

It's not that crazy for him to think woah this isn't like her, must be big I'm not going to leave her alone.

Accepted in my head I should of said but like I said my heart is still let down.

Okay I hear that but by it being a question I didn't feel he wanted to leave his gig and I didn't want to make him. I wouldn't have asked him I would have told him. This is what I mean in my head yes you are all right, I should have said yes and I haven't raised anything further with him. But my heart hears it differently.

This really was an unusual a day. Like I said he is v social, been away long and short haul. No drama over here from me.

It's not that you're not allowed to be upset. It's that you had a pretty extreme reaction to a conversation, and to that upset. Your partner was bewildered most likely at your reaction and didn't know whether to come home or not, so he asked for clarification from you. You told him not to, or at least didn't say yes, and now your blaming him for your inability (or lack of desire?) to communicate. He can only take you at your word.

He probably didn't want to automatically come home, because he was having a good time (and wasnt sure you needed it). And that's OK. That's fine. Hes allowed to want to have a good time, even if youre upset. He would have come home if you told him you needed it, and that's love. That's care.

Him being able to successfully read your mind won't make up for whatever happened. Maybe you're angry at someone else, or upset at someone else, and just directing it to your partner because he's the one who is here now?

Maybe your partner isnt the one who is responsible for letting your heart down? But, again, he's the one closest by and so he's the one that gets blamed when he reacts normally.

Try and put the blame on whoever is truly at fault, whoever is truly the reason for your reaction today.

Consider trauma therapy if you're having reactions like this to the conversations. I'm on the waiting list for it myself. I also need to learn how to avoid the horrible parent and horrible conversations, lol.

My DP is not emotional. Or as he puts it does emotions. When my mum died suddenly I could see he did t know what to do. He asked if I wanted him to come round. I says yes. He drive me down next day. He was silent but gave me hugs.

when we came back I felt he abandoned me. he went away on a planned trip for a few days.

he had an event and he did say he would cancel. I said only if you want to. He didn’t and I felt abandoned again.

I spoke to him and he said he was upset for me but he doesn’t do emotions. He will practically help me. Give me a hug and do as I ask. But the key is ask as his style is to ignore. He has learned to ask what do I need from him. My take away was he doesn’t know and it’s not natural to him and his default is to carry on

Thanks @Agix all the best. Therapy is super helpful.

I will be fine. I'm stronger and back to normal today. Just a really really really shit day yesterday.

Sorry you had that experience at such a tough time. I can only imagine grief is up and now with emotions too so you may have not even known you needed him by x day. I hope you had others around you.

For sure. What this post doesn't give you a chance to expose is that I am generally open and able to communicate. I get he is not a mind reader. I have accepted it has to be said. Yesterday was just awful and it was a bit too much to be deal with the horrific convo, manage the toddler and say yes please let your fun plans and come home. Just would have meant a lot for him to show up without having to ask ONCE. But yes, too much to ask. I'm this thread mainly just says I'm dramatic.

Thank you for sharing as that is the bit that was the deal break "if you want me to" just doesn't hit you with love the same as "I'm going to stay with you"

Hard being a female isn't it. Always have to perform to a certain level.