Emotionally unsupportive husband

[jumperoo2738]

I have had a day. One of those emotional convos with your toxic boomer parent horrible horrible convo. I couldn't concentrate the whole day. Had to cancel work (never ever done that)

I cried all day. Husband was due to be out at work drinks. He offered to call but you know when you will just cry more and I was trying to pull it together to pick up our kid which wasn't far off. I told him it was possibly the worst day emotionally I have ever had in my life.

He asked me how I was after pick up. I said still crying.

He asked shall I come home and I know some person will say well why didn't you just say yes but it absolutely hit me. He is not emotionally in tune. It just would have meant so much support for me for him to say "I'm coming home"

I'm sick and tired of him getting all the support he needs but when I need it "well you didn't say come home" FFS cancelling work, crying all day and night - do I have to ask?!

Now it's after midnight. I'm still crying and he's still out. I can't believe he's proceeded with his social evening late. Fine go out because the damage is done but staying out so late and not checked in.

I'm so upset. Please no rude people.

The thing is, there is no correct response.

Everyone reacts to situations differently.

If he dropped everything and rushed round to you, it's possible that you may complain that he was suffocating you and you wanted to be left alone.

He asked what you wanted which I think is fair enough

I feel like I get you from what you have written as I have had similar situation with my own mother and I can feel your utter pain through your words. When we get so let down by our own parents the people who should love you the most and never want to hurt you it leads you to crave the love and care from the next person in line your partner and you didn’t get that. You need a hug sweetheart.
Your anger here should be directed at your parents and then a conversation to be had with your husband when you are calmer about how you really needed him to be there for you at that time as it sounds like he just hasn’t realised you needed him.
sending you a hated mumsnet hug as I feel the hurt in every word you write.

Op without wanting to sound curt, would it not have been better for your mental health to just end the telephone conversation? I know it's too late now but I'd say maybe learn from this experience if it's going to cause you that level of emotion. Crying all day and night is not normal after a conversation of any kind. Just hang up next time you are in this situation.

For sure and that doesn't sound curt. The whole thing was unexpected and a shock.

That's part of the reason why the day was a shit show as I was trying to process all that was said and revealed.

I won't get caught off guard again.

I think I would feel quite manipulated if my offer to come home was declined, but my partner then got upset because I didn't come home anyway.

Your DH sounds like a good egg and actually quite supportive from what you've said - he checked up on you several times and offered to cancel his plans this be with you - the fact that you chose not to take him up on that is on you, not him.

Thank you so much

I'm more logical today so I will talk to him just still feel a bit shit inside.

Really appreciate the reply.

Oh I remember that feeling from when I was married! All his stuff was a priority over me. If I had replied 'yes' he'd have come home but sulkily and it would've gone on his list - he kept score!

Don't expect people to do what you think they should do , you will always be disappointed. Some good advice on here , hope you resolve things and feel better. x

Thank you!

As if he is the perfect person for asking. This is what I mean by asking and coming home are two different things.

But yes, I should have said yes and risked the sulk because now I'm just wrong. Still no support about yesterday but I'm more self able today.

Really true but doesn't that feel like quite a sad way to be. Just kind of expect nothing from anyone although as I type it I don't really expect anything from anyone expect him. And I give A LOT there's not a situation he hasn't had where I have not been there and been there to a high standard.

But yeah a PP say to lay off that which I will try just feels unatural and fake to limit your love and effort. But then I guess I'll be less disappointed.

I mean the alternative is being single (I don't have a relationship with parents either because of situations like you describe). Not going to lie, it's lonely! But I never disappoint myself.

Nor me - I’d be better on my own if I couldn’t stop crying anyway. But, he did offer to come home,nod I’m not sure what more he should have done. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry it was a tough day op

I think I'd focus on verbalising what you want. Tell him what you need from him

Men are from Mars. If we want them to do what we need, we have to say so. He asked if you wanted him home, and you should have said yes.

Pls don't be cranky with your DH but do say you expected him to make the right choice and he didn't so you're disappointed esp given how upset you were. Dont make it an argument because he will say that he asked you. Just keep it to, you should do the right thing, if he'd been upset you'd have cancelled your social for him. Make him think and stand in your shoes. But next time you need him to do abc, just say you need abc, dont think he'll work it out.

I'm so sorry you had an awful exp with your parents. It's horrible that as adults, what they do still really affects us. Rationalise what happened and put the exp away.

Sending a hug x

What's the point of being married then, particularly if you have made that commitment and you are a 'husband' or a 'wife', surely emotional support is an expectation in a marriage.

Is this something you struggle with generally? Regulating emotions and things like that? Because I can’t see why a conversation with your parents would necessitate a day off work and a whole day of crying. It seems extreme. The fact that he offered to come home shows he does care but really why should he have to? It would be different if you’d just found out you or a close family member had been diagnosed with a terminal illness or something but it doesn’t even sound like you like your parents that much.

I'm glad someone said it because "testing" your partners based on how telepathically they understand your emotions is a deeply manipulative behaviour. "I just want you to read my mind" is an unreasonable thing to ask.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to even offer to come home from a gig I'd bought tickets for (so not just casual drinks) based on DP being upset over a phone call. If he asked me to I would, though. It's not a situation that automatically requires company. After some of the worst phone calls I've had, I've mostly wanted to be left alone to process them by myself.

But that's by the by. He offered to come home, you didn't say yes because you were testing how telepathic he was. That's not something I'd put up with in my partner.

I really wasn't testing him. I was just full of emotion. I didn't want to make him leave where he was. Obviously I wanted to be able to cope but in situations he has had that hasn't stopped me being there for him. No one has to ask me.

So yes, I was wrong to expect that.

The problem is that people are who they are and we can’t expect them to change how they are inside and what they are emotionally capable of.
Your husband sounds like he tries to help and offered to come home which suggests that he cares and wants to be there for you but he isn’t responsible for your emotions, all he can do is be there for you in his own best way.

I hope you’re having a much better day today.

It's great that no one has to ask you, but I'm much more in favour of asking and being asked what kind of support you can provide. What you assume someone wants isn't necessarily what they do want.

I’m actually on your side here. So many men get our emotional support without giving it back in return. I never felt supported emotionally by my ex husband even though I was expected to support him whenever something was upsetting him. It’s so unfair. Men think they are more important than we are obviously.

You are very lucky not to have a toxic parent, or any understanding of just how real a problem it can be.

OP, I’m so sorry. I know what it’s like to have to deal with parents like this and it can cause huge amounts of grief and trauma.

For what it’s worth I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want your husband to recognise that in a situation where you’re in unusual distress he should try to be there. He may need it really spelled out to him if he’s just not understanding the kind of support you need.

I hope you’re ok x

I guess it’s all down to living in a patriarchal society where mens needs are more important?!

How very lucky you must be to have had a good relationship with your parents. If you have no understanding of toxic families (I've been in therapy for years because of my mother and have in fact, attempted suicide due to her behaviour), then best say nothing.

It is a 'real problem' for some people

As always only you can know. If dh asks me do I need him home, he's asking because he knows I'm best placed to know the support I need. If I say yes and he comes home he won't sulk, he'll do it in the spirit of support.

If your dh only gives a fake offer and does it to tick a box, and would sulk and not offer support if he had to come home that's a different situation.

Similarly I know ask dh how he'd like to be supported instead of ploughing ahead because sometimes my "support" wasn't what he needed and he was trying to humour me and deal with things at the same time. So we're trying better to meet each other at our own level.