Emotionally unsupportive husband

[jumperoo2738]

I have had a day. One of those emotional convos with your toxic boomer parent horrible horrible convo. I couldn't concentrate the whole day. Had to cancel work (never ever done that)

I cried all day. Husband was due to be out at work drinks. He offered to call but you know when you will just cry more and I was trying to pull it together to pick up our kid which wasn't far off. I told him it was possibly the worst day emotionally I have ever had in my life.

He asked me how I was after pick up. I said still crying.

He asked shall I come home and I know some person will say well why didn't you just say yes but it absolutely hit me. He is not emotionally in tune. It just would have meant so much support for me for him to say "I'm coming home"

I'm sick and tired of him getting all the support he needs but when I need it "well you didn't say come home" FFS cancelling work, crying all day and night - do I have to ask?!

Now it's after midnight. I'm still crying and he's still out. I can't believe he's proceeded with his social evening late. Fine go out because the damage is done but staying out so late and not checked in.

I'm so upset. Please no rude people.

I can see him being out late and not checking in being hurtful. However, him asking how you are and even suggesting he come home is emotionally supportive. He may not be checking in and staying out because you have shot down his other attempts.

It's difficult to know the answer when we have no idea what you were actually dealing with.

But on the face of it, you declined a call with him so you weren't communicating properly with each other. So on the face of it, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt in being able to assess your needs properly.

How often does he go out for work drinks? Was this a weekly thing or a special event?

I think something bigger must be going on in your marriage and a longer term problem of you not having your needs met for this incident to have upset you so much (the DH incident, not the incident with your parent).

I'm not going to judge on whether your reaction was ott or not, as only you know the content of the conversation - it may be it was proportionate.

However I will echo the advice given, that expecting someone else to match exactly to your emotional needs but not talking to them about this, is more likely to result in disappointment than not.

You need to communicate with your partner. If he offers to come home, and that's what you want then say yes. Don't say no but secretly hope that he'll twig that you don't mean it.

Likewise don't always assume that your way of being supportive is what everyone else wants - people are different.

@ChocolateTelephone thank you feeling much better today

We've had a brief convo. I've explained logically he's totally right. Emotionally I'm upset.

He said but you're such a straight shooter to which I asked him to think about the significance of not going to work. Not my style at all. I was a bit all over the place and not able to be rational. On a basic level, looking after a toddler when you're fine can be hard! So even coming home so I wasn't solo would have been kind. He says he gets it. He has a big op coming up and in the week when we got the date I booked the day off so I could drive him etc without hesitation and he can see how supportive that feels. Someone showing up without being asked.

He is always out and hates missing out on a social so it is right that I felt this was typical to keep the social but nothing has ever been big enough to get upset about it. Just be a bit grumpy on the inside but get over it/no big deal.

I do hear the others about checking my support is wanted which I will talk to him about when it is not all heated.

Thank you for the kind responses. Really appreciate the time taken to reply. Today is a new day.

It sounds like you both have been able to understand each other and explain your thoughts to him well. We might seem super human to our partners, but everyone has their limits. People do deal with things differently and what some find supportive, others may find overwhelming. By communicating how you feel and hearing his thoughts, you are building an even stronger bond. Next time he's going to be better placed to know what you need from him.

I'm glad you are feeling better today and more like yourself. Do make sure that you don't get stuck in the day to day of providing for everyone else and not yourself. It might help to be able to talk to someone who is trustworthy, a very close friend or a therapist. Such momentus news can really knock you for six.

Sounds like you've sorted it between you OP. If he had said I'm coming home, see you soon... What would you have said?

I would appreciate an answer like that if I'd been in your shoes. Then he wasn't expecting you to decide. In your vulnerable, upset state, which you've said was very unusual. He would recognise you needed him and just act on it. Not throw it back to you.

I agree with some of the other posters too, some good advice on the thread. Just throwing my two cents in.

I think I would have said thank you or sent a love heart.

These works drinks were very cas. He often has more important things and I wouldn't have expected him to leave those but these were like networking...with friends.

Anywho kind of moving on today. I think next time I either don't expect him to come home or I say come home. But very unlikely to be that upset that I need that support again anytime soon x

Men are wired differently and can't/won't be socialised out of it without a massive struggle, if ever, IMHO.

My therapist told me you can’t expect to get all your needs met by one person. My husband is dreadful at emotional support. But good at practical support. He’s a fixer. Parents are the same. Utterly emotionally devoid. But if I need something doing they will be there.
My emotional support comes from my friends. They are my go to people to pick me up and support me emotionally.
Perhaps you’re looking in the wrong place for that kind of support?

Yeah that's good to classify.

I have wonderful friends. I just think where we all have small kids just can't be on the phone for each other the way we used to.

I learnt/was reminded not to expect the emotional stuff from him - not in a stubborn way but that would have save a lot of upset. I think also ideally I need to make a few logical decisions when he is emotional. Honestly sometimes they only hear when they feel. But I probably won't- wouldn't want to be mean.

FWIW I think men not providing emotional support shouldn’t be normalised. Most of my friends have good emotional support form their husbands - they married good uns! But generally speaking women probably do need to be a bit more explicit about asking for what they need but if the man still doesn’t give you that support after you voice it, then there’s an issue!

I actually had a friend who contributed a lot towards my burnout because her male partner gave her no emotional support so she relied too heavily on a small circle of friends to get through a lot of trauma. That “small circle” consisted mainly of me me lol despite the fact I was struggling myself with my own issues, while her partner was merrily playing computer games.

I had to tell her one day (actually a few times I told her) the man who is her soulmate and father of her children, the man she prioritises over any other adult - should be able to be there for her a lot more.

Too many women let the men (who they centre in their lives) off the hook and then rely too much on other women’s emotional labour imo to fill in the gap.

I no longer allow myself to be used to compensate for women sticking with inadequate men.

I think also ideally I need to make a few logical decisions when he is emotional. Honestly sometimes they only hear when they feel. But I probably won't- wouldn't want to be mean.

It’s not being “mean”. You can be a martyr about this and continue to have a one sided emotional support situation where you give and he takes, and is nowhere to be seen in your time of need or you can stand up for yourself. The choice is yours.

I really wish women weren’t conditioned to be such people pleasers especially where men are concerned.

Same applies to women from a man's perspective, IMHO. Why should men be "socialised out of" their wiring, whatever that means? Who decided that it's women who are wired correctly?

I once had to explain to DH that when I'm.upset and go to the bedroom to cry, I want him to at least come and check on me. He said he assumed that I would want space. No, if I'm sobbing I need a hug. Or at least check if I need one. You really do need to spell it out to them sometimes.