…to TTC?

[TeaAndOrangesThatComeAllTheWayFrom]

I have a boyfriend, but we don’t live together. I was in a very long term relationship for many years, and split up messily with my ex a couple of years ago. I told myself I wouldn’t want to cohabit with a romantic partner again. So far, I am enjoying living on my own a lot, although my boyfriend does spend a lot of time here, and I do also enjoy it (mainly) when he’s here too.

I own my own 2-bed flat. I have a pretty big mortgage. With some reconfiguration, there would be space for another adult and baby to move in.

I’m 34. I suppose…I want to TTC because I want to have a baby, I think my boyfriend would be a good dad, and I think we’d have an equal partnership. To be honest, I’d also like to have time off work to shift focus a bit, and refresh my perspective. I feel like life is trudging along and days are slipping away.

Things holding me back: my boyfriend is great, but I don’t know if we’re ‘soulmates’. I do like living on my own…but I also really want to have a child, so I know I can’t have it both ways.

Has anyone else been in a situation where they’ve actively TTCd with a partner they weren’t currently living in? If we had a baby, he would move in for financial/ practical reasons, but we’d stay living apart if not.

Any advice or insights welcome 🙏

Madness.

Have you had any of this conversation with your BF? What does he say? Because otherwise it sounds like a dreamy internal monologue.

Yes, I have talked to my boyfriend a lot about it, and he’s up for TTC if and when I’m ready.

@Enchente why madness? Which aspect?

So naive.

Pregnancy would be lonely and shit.

Maternity leave is absolutely not time off work. I'm 3 months in and trust me it's incredibly hard and it's not all coffee mornings and yoga. It's sheer sleep deprivation and a huge amount of responsibility.

Conceiving can take a lot of sex and time. Not sure how you can do that if you don't even live together.

Caring for a newborn alone would be horrific. And I have a much easier baby than most of the babies in my mummy group!

Depriving a child of his father and a stable home intentionally by conceiving with someone who is not 100% on board is morally wrong.

The only two reasons you give for creating a new human is that you're a bit bored and you want some time off work. That would be bad enough but you're also someone who likes your own space.

Nothing about this says yes, have a baby.

Pregnancy can be really HARD and having a supportive partner can make the difference between (i) a horrifically lonely time vs (ii) a hard but very very happy time. Madness.

@BabyMama889 He is very supportive, and would move in during the newborn phase if I wanted it. I’m just not sure I want to cohabit long term.

@BabyMama889 would you say you would describe yourself as a tradwife?

@TeaAndOrangesThatComeAllTheWayFrom what?

I hated being a pregnant and and not too keen on being a mother to babies either (so much easier once they hit 18monthish imo)

Sleepless nights are hard. Regressions are hard. My 4 month old WILL NOT be put down, my arms ache. I desperately need my partner at home to take over holding my small one and give me breathing space from my others.

I love my children more than anything in the world but couldn't do it without their dad. (I know plenty of mothers do it singly - don't come at me. I take my hat off too them, absolute superwomen!!)

I think it would be fairly selfish to raise a child together without living together when you’re in a relationship. A baby isn’t a toy. Plus a huge waste of money to have separate places. It’s hard work and if your boyfriend wasn’t living with you, a huge amount of that would fall to you outside of him visiting.

What a peculiar question. Is this thread about something else entirely? Very strange.

Definitely wouldn't do this. Your baby deserves a happy family home with parents that are committed to each other, plus pregnancy and newborns are incredibly hard work. A live-out dad who is semi together with the mum is very confusing for a child and could get very messy down the line. You need to think about childcare too

Obviously doesn't preclude single mums from being amazing parents but the complications with baby's dad name this super undesirable

Do it you're already 34 you will regret it if you don't

Yabu.

Sorry I think its a bit silly to not even attempt to live together before ttc. Especially if the plan is for him to move in during the newborn time- potentially the most stressful sleep deprived time ever.

Also you're creating a child who would then have to live with him at least part time. You don't even like him enough to live with him yourself but want to make someone else do that. 2 houses is horrid as a child I don't know why you'd want to do that on purpose.

What does HE want?

There are people who choose to do it alone. I think when women want a baby it’s really difficult to just ignore it. I’m quite selfish at times and I know in your position I’d be doing the exact same.

Maternity leave for me was great. It was all coffee mornings, wandering around shops, going swimming. I couldn’t have done it without my dh’s emotional or financial support though. But I’m not sure we’d have survived if our relationship wasn’t solid. We were together 8/9 years before we decided to start a family.

You’ve both considered what childcare will cost?

Who pays your ‘massive’ mortgage when you’re on mat leave and afterwards if you want to either stay home, go part-time, or childcare to return to work?

Why would BF continue to pay maintenance if he wasn’t living with you and got a new family of his own?

You’re describing a single parent sperm donor situation. Some women unwittingly end up with that, I doubt many chose it.

I think I probably posted this in the wrong place. Really, I was interested in opinions on TTC in a more non-traditional setup. Particularly wrt cohabitation. Thanks to those who have given thoughtful responses. There’s some food for thought here.

This is a bloody terrible idea!!!

so many things you’re deluded about motherhood

@Redlorryyellowcar really? Which things?

Time off work

wanting your own space - clearly enjoy it enough not to want to actively live with partner

partner is not your soulmate - fuck me don’t do it with someone you’re not sure about, you’re tied with this person forever

youve never lived with your partner but considering a baby. Walk before you can run. See if you can live together first

lf you weren’t having a baby you would not live together. Okay so the baby forces you to live together - how is that a relaxing natural enjoyable choice? You will resent the new life the baby brings. You will miss your old life and old you more than the typical new mother even does

and finally again ‘a year off’ hmmmm it really is so far from that . A year off what? Your life will never go back to what it was before.

I have a very strained relationship with my father - my parents were married when I was born but my father wasn't home at the time or for most of the time until I was 6 or 7 (away at sea). I actually resented him arriving home and expecting us to be pleased to have him there 'in charge' for a few weeks until he disappeared again. Our relationship has never recovered from him not being there full time in my formative years so don't intentionally put your child through the same thing.

One of my own children was a terrible sleeper and woke every 2 hours for an hour every night from birth to age 3. I would not have survived (or I might have been jailed for murder) if I hadn't had the support of my DH. Being a mother is rewarding but my god its the hardest job I've ever done and I am in awe of all the single mums (not by their choice usually) who can do it alone. Think very carefully before you bring a new life into the world, especially into a non conventional home.