…to TTC?

[TeaAndOrangesThatComeAllTheWayFrom]

I have a boyfriend, but we don’t live together. I was in a very long term relationship for many years, and split up messily with my ex a couple of years ago. I told myself I wouldn’t want to cohabit with a romantic partner again. So far, I am enjoying living on my own a lot, although my boyfriend does spend a lot of time here, and I do also enjoy it (mainly) when he’s here too.

I own my own 2-bed flat. I have a pretty big mortgage. With some reconfiguration, there would be space for another adult and baby to move in.

I’m 34. I suppose…I want to TTC because I want to have a baby, I think my boyfriend would be a good dad, and I think we’d have an equal partnership. To be honest, I’d also like to have time off work to shift focus a bit, and refresh my perspective. I feel like life is trudging along and days are slipping away.

Things holding me back: my boyfriend is great, but I don’t know if we’re ‘soulmates’. I do like living on my own…but I also really want to have a child, so I know I can’t have it both ways.

Has anyone else been in a situation where they’ve actively TTCd with a partner they weren’t currently living in? If we had a baby, he would move in for financial/ practical reasons, but we’d stay living apart if not.

Any advice or insights welcome 🙏

What are you basing this assumption on?

I think you're an idiot, what does that tell you about my income level and marital status?

Jesus poor guy can't even live with his kid.

Please don't procreate.

I tried for 2 years for my baby I love her more than anything in the world and wouldn't change a thing BUT it has been a million times harder than I ever could of expected and that's with my DP helping and living together and he is absolutely my soulmate. NOTHING can prepare you for the sleep deprivation. My baby wouldnt sleep and cried all the time from 5 weeks. There are days I've fleetingly thought about leaving DP as I'm so tired and I will admit do 99% of caring for DD as I'm in maternity leave and he has to work. The days are long , awake at 5.30am and she is very fussy and goes bat shit crazy in the car so I don't go far .

My point is you really need to think this through , and I would definitely say you need to live together for an extended period first . You really don't know if you would live well together yet it's completely different spending lots of time together but not living together .

I think there is a reason when going through fertility treatment they ask you to be cohabiting in a stable relationship for two years.

Nowhere in your posts have to mentioned the needs of the child in this scenario. Have you given any thought to that?

Couldn't have said it better myself. I'm the higher earner and I could make our household work without my husband's financial support. What would be difficult is making our household work without his presence and support - all the things you mention in the juggle of trying to run a home, work and keep our child and ourselves alive and happy.

Becoming a single mother by choice is a totally valid decision, provided you go in with your eyes open. I think the sort of half-single, half-not arrangement OP proposes is the most complicated and potentially problematic route of all.

Not read the other replies but I can imagine what they are like.

There's nothing wrong with living separately. I did it with my bf and it was fine. And my dad and stepmum have done it for more than 20 years. Only you and your bf will know if its suitable for you.

Honestly I think you need a reality check.

Before I had my first child I had absolutely no idea just how much of a financial blow women take when having a child. Maternity pay is abysmal, childcare is ludicrously expensive. Have a look on the website pregnant then screwed.

Actually work through the practicalities of this idea in terms of money and any outside family support you may or may not have.

On the face of it I don’t think it’s an absolutely terrible idea if your boyfriend is in agreement. Your age is against you really if you wait too much longer and you definitely want children.

I do personally feel that children generally do better in a more traditional family set up but there are all sorts of families these days and there’s no huge issue with parents living in separate houses albeit it’s a bit sad that this is the intended outcome before you’ve even conceived.

Best of luck to you whatever you decide!

So you’re not sure if he’s good enough to have around you long m-tern, but you’d happily lumber another human being with him for life?

Wtf have I read - people pointing out your naivety are trad wife picket fence types? Are you mad?

OP you have a lot of very strange assumptions. Parenting a newborn is a lot harder than you are assuming, and can break even very solid relationships for a while. A couple who don’t cohabit and aren’t sure they’re in it for the long term will find it baptism by fire.

Maternity leave isn’t yoga and finding yourself, it’s sleep deprivation and steep learning curves.

@TeaAndOrangesThatComeAllTheWayFrom Oh I see now. You thought I was a tradwife because by "supportive father" you thought I meant financial support? It didn't cross your mind that men can and should be emotionally supportive partners and fathers? And saying that a child benefits from a stable home is not tradwife or new or controversial.

You will find many successful career women actually have a supportive husband and stable marriages. Because raising happy kids while having a demanding career takes two people. If you're single there is no one to cover the sick days, the plays, the PTA meetings, bed time etc.

There is a reason everyone agrees single mothers have it incredibly hard. But you're not even suggesting being a single mother, your proposed scenario is silly. You come across as very immature.

Good luck.