…to TTC?

[TeaAndOrangesThatComeAllTheWayFrom]

I have a boyfriend, but we don’t live together. I was in a very long term relationship for many years, and split up messily with my ex a couple of years ago. I told myself I wouldn’t want to cohabit with a romantic partner again. So far, I am enjoying living on my own a lot, although my boyfriend does spend a lot of time here, and I do also enjoy it (mainly) when he’s here too.

I own my own 2-bed flat. I have a pretty big mortgage. With some reconfiguration, there would be space for another adult and baby to move in.

I’m 34. I suppose…I want to TTC because I want to have a baby, I think my boyfriend would be a good dad, and I think we’d have an equal partnership. To be honest, I’d also like to have time off work to shift focus a bit, and refresh my perspective. I feel like life is trudging along and days are slipping away.

Things holding me back: my boyfriend is great, but I don’t know if we’re ‘soulmates’. I do like living on my own…but I also really want to have a child, so I know I can’t have it both ways.

Has anyone else been in a situation where they’ve actively TTCd with a partner they weren’t currently living in? If we had a baby, he would move in for financial/ practical reasons, but we’d stay living apart if not.

Any advice or insights welcome 🙏

I'm a single parent, and it's not as awful and lonely and sad as many pps with partners think it is. I really enjoyed my maternity leave too, sorry if this disappoints anyone.

My concern would be that you could end up in a custody battle with your boyfriend and he could end up with up to 50% custody, or have your child every weekend. Even if you think he wouldn't be interested it's a risk - he could have family members who push him or he might want to keep maintenance as low as possible.

I think you'd be better off with a sperm donor if you want to have a baby but are not in a committed relationship. You'll need to work out your finances re childcare etc but you could share your room with the baby and probably get a student in on a weekday digs basis till the baby goes to school, which will reduce your childcare costs.

Agreed that this sounds a bit naive. I don't think you need to be a trad wife to recognise that an involved father who has a stable relationship with their mother is incredibly beneficial for children.

And the hard bit isn't just the newborn stage - it's the sleep regressions, teething, illnesses, toddler tantrums. Etc etc.

As for mat leave, I've enjoyed both of mine but it hasn't been a holiday from work. It can be lovely coffee mornings, walks in the parks, meeting new mums but it's also being on call 27/7, 7 days a week. I'd have really struggled without DH.

I'm a single parent, and it's not as awful and lonely and sad as many pps with partners think it is. I really enjoyed my maternity leave too, sorry if this disappoints anyone.

Why would you say that?

Is that what you've taken from the advice and opinions on this thread...that people may be 'disappointed' that you enjoyed your maternity leave? 😳

Blimey.

Really, I was interested in opinions on TTC in a more non-traditional setup.

That's exactly what you've got. You just don't like the answers so want to believe it's only trad wives who think you're being ridiculous.

How do you see it working logistically?

Would you co-habit as partners/friends/FWB/co-parents?

How much time does the child spend living with each of you if you decide to live apart?

Would you both keep your homes so he can move in and out as the whim takes you?

You're not really head over heels for him, so how do you handle polygamy or new relationships?

How do you think a baby/child/teen would cope with this level of instability?

If time off is one of your main considerations, consider a sabbatical first. It will be cheaper and help you focus on what you really want.

You have a huge mortgage; have you checked childcare costs? What happens once you’re back to work and you get a call (at least once a month) that you need ti pick up your sick kid from nursery asap. Have a read here for a few days and see how moms even with partners can’t hold a full time job due to childcare demands (which you can’t really fully outsource). I’d approach this as if you’d be a single parent as you don’t really know re your current partner. And if he sticks around and contributes- it’s a bonus.

Have you actually thought about it from the poor child's view point, a baby is not a toy and yes this is harsh

YANBU. I think many posts on this thread are closed minded, negative and some are jumping to conclusions that your partner will not be involved. Honestly sometimes you just have to go for it and make the best of your new situation. Maternity leave of course isn't easy but it's certainly very different from work! I think go for it. Many different situations can be happy ones, not just a traditional nuclear family.

No, I mean I should have rephrased it to being especially interested in the opinions of people what have themselves conceived within a non-traditional setup. As @Notagain24 says - she did enjoy her maternity leave as a single parent, despite what coupled-up people would like to think. As far as I can see that’s the only comment from someone who is a single parent on this thread - and it’s a largely positive comment, with some helpful points to consider.

I wonder if that the issue is a lot of women on Mumsnet find it difficult to imagine being financially independent, or being the higher earner within the partnership. Hence the ‘every child needs the God-given right of a committed and loving father and a white picket fence’, which tbh does sound a bit narrow and tradwife-y to me.

Calling people a tradwife because they are pointing out the impracticalities of what you’re suggesting is ignorant. I don’t think women here are against women being higher earners and people have suggested you go it alone rather than with a partner you’re not convinced is your soulmate. FWIW I don’t believe in soulmates and my husband isn’t my soulmate but as you offered that information it would suggest you do believe in soulmates.

I think moving in with a partner for financial and practical reasons in the newborn stage is a recipe for disaster. My newborn had terrible reflux and would scream from 6pm to 2am for about 7 weeks, throwing up constantly. Trying to adjust to someone living in my space, that I didn’t want there, and a newborn would have caused my mental health to tank. A lot of women enjoy maternity leave, regardless of their setup, but a number of women don’t and you don’t know if you’re going to enjoy it or what type of baby you get until they’re here. I wouldn’t be trying to adjust to living with someone in that time.

If you’re so financially independent that you can pay your mortgage and childcare costs, then go it alone. If you need a partner to contribute to childcare costs, then moving in together with a newborn is not the time - either live together for a while before or keep separate properties. If you can’t afford separate properties and childcare, then you’re not as financially independent as you think.

I think first you should remove any notion that maternity leave is a chance for any kind of break or refocus. I was fighting for my life for most of mine and absolutely didn’t have the headspace for any kind of career planning. You cannot begin to imagine how all-consuming caring for a baby is until you do it.

I have to say it doesn’t necessarily sound from what you’ve said like your relationship is especially committed or stable. I understand you mostly like having your boyfriend around and that he’s supportive, but that doesn’t sound like the glue you need for parenthood. If you don’t want to live with him when you don’t have a baby, what’s going to make cohabitation suddenly ok when you’re sleep deprived, have absolutely no free time, and are learning how to do an incredibly difficult and demanding job?

The truth is you have no idea what he’s like to live with, and during pregnancy / post partum is no time to suddenly be finding out that he’s unable to clean up after himself, or an absolute arsehole when he’s tired, or had unendurable habits.

I strongly recommend that if you want to have a baby you try cohabiting beforehand. Don’t roll the dice on whether you actually want to do that by waiting until there’s a baby involved before trying it.

And also give serious consideration to whether this guy is actually the one you want to be tied to for life. If you’re deciding between ‘keep things somewhat casual for the foreseeable future’ and ‘have a baby and move in together’, it’s a sign something isn’t right. If you don’t want to live with him, I can’t see why you would want to tie yourself to him for, at minimum, the next 18 years.

You sound very narrow minded about everyone else who doesn't share your view.

My Dp is the higher earner but I'm far wealthier and could set up my own house easily if I wanted to. So it's not about money.

I don't think you're thinking ahead. If he wants to be an active involved parent the child will obviously stay with him sometimes. I had 2 homes as a kid and it was awful, all studies show 50/50 care benefits the parents not the child. I wouldn't ever want to purposefully bring a child into the world with this planned. What if one of you want to move locations?

I wouldn't be worried about mat leave- that depends hugely on the type of baby you have. Mine vomited buckets over me constantly, woke hourly for 8months and refused to be put down for more than 10 minutes I had friends whose babies slept through from 4 weeks and happily snoozed in prams anywhere. One baby to one parent is easy tbh, just hugely tiring. Would you want to give it a sibling? That's when it gets trickier.

If you're the main earner and intend to continue working how will childcare work? Who's covering all the school age illness? Etc.

Is your house going to be the main base? Whose doing all the cleaning/ tidying/ cooking for the child? How close do you live to each other for him to come and watch baby/ child? Not for a big planned night out but be able to nip out on your own for something quickly?

As for this, I’m the higher earner and full time worker in my marriage. My husband works part time and does more childcare as a result. We have a generally equitable division of childcare and chores. No white picket fences or tradwife attitudes here, whatever your assumptions are.

If you were saying you were considering having a baby alone I would be supportive. A friend of mine did this after her fiancé broke up with her a week before their wedding. She used donor sperm and IVF to conceive her little girl. She’s a professional woman and they are a very happy family.

Thats not what you’re suggesting. You’re saying you don’t feel sure enough about your boyfriend to move in with him UNLESS you have a baby, in which case you think it will be fine? Why?

If you’re not trad-wife inclined yourself, why not ask him if he would be willing to father a baby with you under your current arrangement? That way if (or when…) it does go pear shaped you have far fewer financial entanglements and practical difficulties to sort out.

I think for me the issue is not at all being a single parent but more having the dad sort of on the sidelines. I would have found that really hard growing up I think... a mum and dad together but not committed enough to live together. Why would the dad not want to live with his child?
Nothing to do with being higher earner, that doesn't even come into it

I think you're making a lot of assumptions yourself there - I went back to work full-time and I'm certainly not financially dependent.

I just don't think you can underestimate the value of someone else being present and loving your child just as much as you do. Being willing to clean up sick and change sheets with you at 3am. Re-arranging work and midnight trips to Tesco to pick up Calpol. All those boring, stressful things are much easier with a partner.

A typical response from someone who thinks that all women want to be mothers. Many women do regret becoming parents.

For all we know the OP might regret it once reality hits.

How would you afford to raise the hypothetical child? If you live separately then you both will have substantial living costs so how much realistically can he afford to help you?

LOL at you thinking maternity leave is like time off work to refresh yourself. That's made me laugh. Sorry you're bored with life but a baby isn't the answer.

I am going to buck the trend and say go for it. Plenty of women have kids without considering or planning it at all. Everyone muddles through somehow. If you've considered the finances and accept that you're (probably) stuck with the kid for at least 18 years, regardless of what happens in your life, then I think you're as prepared as you can be.

Nah, I’m financially independent and when I was with DH was the higher earner. I think you’re not thinking this through properly and are being very naive.
Babies are hard work. Even more so if you like your own space and you have nobody there to take them while you get a breather

It isn't tradwife to suggest that 2 incomes are easier than 1, when one has to stop working for a while. T is just common sense, regardless of which partner is the higher earner.

I think if you were to plan for, and assume that you would eventually be a single parent and can afford to do so, why not. You're not getting any younger. But the majority of people would want to live in a partnership and be with their child, you may find your boyfriend ends up wanting that.

I see that ‘trad wife’ insult seems to be your go to when people point out the possible flaws in your plan

Do what you want. You essentially see your boyfriend as a sperm donor so just consider whether it would be better to have a clean break or keep him in your life.

So you can pay your full mortgage and bills during maternity leave?