To be annoyed or need to calm down

[Redlorryyellowcar]

I’m really really annoyed right now and I think I need to vent before I speak to my husband. I can’t tell if I’m tired and hangry or NBU

DC4 wanted to do a little family for my birthday (blow up some balloons, have a special drink and dance to the radio). My birthday was the other day and he’s been dying to have this party every day.

DH and DC bought some juice the other day for this. At 5pm DH comes down from WFH. I make the juice into a ‘cocktail’ with DC (fizzy water, straw, juice). DH lying on the sofa, I go over and pass him his drink, he meekly almost puts his arm out but then immediately puts it back to draping it almost on the floor and I say I’m passing you your drink and he says yes pass it to my hand (inches from the floor) and I’m like no put your arm out like a normal person. He refuses so I put it on the side table. DC tried to keep the peace and says here daddy and passes his drink right to his hand.
DH has form for this all the time, he says pass me the car keys and I put my arm out to him with the keys and he refuses to move his arm from next to his body and insists I pass the keys completely to his hand next to his thigh (no effort). Whenever I question this he says don’t be lazy. It’s the WEIRDEST thing. I hate it. It’s never changed.
anyway I said why are you being like this? Stop ruining the party?!
he ignores me. I say cheers to DC and DH and DH blanks me out and just cheers our son and completely freezes me out of the room.
I then lose my temper and say why are you always like this, why are you so rude and weird?!
and he’s saying stop losing your temper with me in front of our child, you’re upsetting our child.

he then goes upstairs and I have the ‘party’ with DC within DH and DC getting intermittently upset that daddy is missing the party and I scared him away.

I probably should have said nothing both times but it fcks me off that DH treats me this way in front of DC. Like I have to serve him drinks on my knees and also be completely happy to be frozen out of conversation.

i really think we need counselling.

anyway before I’ve posted this, DH came down to say sorry and I just got annoyed again and said why do you treat me like this and he had no real answer and he’s got fed up and walked off again and said there’s no point talking to me

He's absolutely a malignant narcissist. He practices reactive abuse, pushing you with his toxic behaviour until you complain and then he has an excuse to get angry/walk out. It's text book.

Autism can be comorbid with Cluster B disorders like NPD and I think it's this that's at play here not the autism.

I wouldn't even bother with counselling, he's shown you who he is. You and your DC could have a much more peaceful life without him, I'd make stops towards that.

I understand this must be very hard and upsetting to live with, but he clearly isn’t just ‘being a dick’! Your accounts make it pretty clear that he is well on the spectrum. Shouting at him, will only raise stress levels and make his weird behaviours worse. It will also upset your child. Even if he accepted he is neuro divergent, he would (if he is lucky) only be able to get counselling to help him accept it and manage behaviours a little. If this is too much for you, you need to end the relationship. You shouting won’t change him.

Agree with @74Violette . Get out as fast asvyou can. He won’t change.

He is debasing you and destabilising your child. You can’t continue like this.

Please don’t LTB, some other poor woman might finish up with him.
It would be unfair to anyone to inflict him on them.

I can see autistic traits and abusive behaviour. He is belittling you and using your reaction against you. Your language around how you react, 'kicking off' 'going nuclear' etc, are these things HE has said to you? Has he managed to convince you, that you are the problem with anger issues? His behaviours are subtle but yours are not and therefore anyone around will see that you are 'behaving unreasonably'.
I suggest seeking support for yourself, to manage how you respond to him and to be calm, so your child see you as the calm, sensible one and they may start to see that daddy is a fuckwit. (although 4 years is too young yet).
Be the calm one, don't engage with his behaviour. If he expects you to put the drink in his hand, smile and put it back on the table where it was in the first place and distract you and your child with something else, e.g. in the 'party' situation, turn up the music and start dancing with child.
Find ways to make sure you can distract yourself from the situation.
As for the kitchen situation, if he's in there and you need to get in to make child breakfast, ask him to make the breakfast.
If you are out walking and he feels uncomfortable, I would make some amendments, but it has to be a compromise. If he refused to walk with me, I would be off on my own.
But in general, all these things should be discussed but if he won't discuss it without passing the blame to you, I'm not sure what you can do.
Suggest counselling, that will tell you how much he values the relationship.
If he refuses, maybe that's because he feels he will be targeted and blamed. He can try counselling on his own.
Anyway, good luck.

If he masks these traits at work then he knows they are unacceptable. He is choosing not to mask them at home.

The more you post the more I think you need to leave. He will get worse as he gets older. He won’t want kids 50%. Your kids will get over a divorce. Leave.

“The provoking you until you snap fixes something inside his brain.”

It produces a dopamine fix as he’s getting the required result with very very minimal effort, lots of people with adhd and/or personality disorders do this without realising. Then they do raise and they start consciously deep trawling for conflict to get their hit. That’s what he’s doing now.

Not enjoying people in his space in close quarters like the kitchen, I’m like that. I can’t stand people up close unless I specifically choose it. Mine comes from childhood trauma. I can also resort to trying to cause an argument when I’m desperate and struggling to figure out my feelings or if I’m feeling overwhelmed and about to snap. I too can get very snappy about the simplest of questions at the end of a long day. My DH just makes me the cup of tea and doesn’t ask me any more as we had 4 kids and I was in charge of everything while he worked and the mental exhaustion was real. I didn’t want to donate the last of my brain energy to deciding if I wanted to a cup of bloody tea at 7pm as I’d been hen pecked with the “I want I want will you give me have you got” squad all day. I dread to think how many brews I’ve poured away stone cold but I love him for making them regardless.

what does your dps childhood look like? His parents relationship? How did he do in education? How far did he go? Employment history?