To be annoyed or need to calm down

[Redlorryyellowcar]

I’m really really annoyed right now and I think I need to vent before I speak to my husband. I can’t tell if I’m tired and hangry or NBU

DC4 wanted to do a little family for my birthday (blow up some balloons, have a special drink and dance to the radio). My birthday was the other day and he’s been dying to have this party every day.

DH and DC bought some juice the other day for this. At 5pm DH comes down from WFH. I make the juice into a ‘cocktail’ with DC (fizzy water, straw, juice). DH lying on the sofa, I go over and pass him his drink, he meekly almost puts his arm out but then immediately puts it back to draping it almost on the floor and I say I’m passing you your drink and he says yes pass it to my hand (inches from the floor) and I’m like no put your arm out like a normal person. He refuses so I put it on the side table. DC tried to keep the peace and says here daddy and passes his drink right to his hand.
DH has form for this all the time, he says pass me the car keys and I put my arm out to him with the keys and he refuses to move his arm from next to his body and insists I pass the keys completely to his hand next to his thigh (no effort). Whenever I question this he says don’t be lazy. It’s the WEIRDEST thing. I hate it. It’s never changed.
anyway I said why are you being like this? Stop ruining the party?!
he ignores me. I say cheers to DC and DH and DH blanks me out and just cheers our son and completely freezes me out of the room.
I then lose my temper and say why are you always like this, why are you so rude and weird?!
and he’s saying stop losing your temper with me in front of our child, you’re upsetting our child.

he then goes upstairs and I have the ‘party’ with DC within DH and DC getting intermittently upset that daddy is missing the party and I scared him away.

I probably should have said nothing both times but it fcks me off that DH treats me this way in front of DC. Like I have to serve him drinks on my knees and also be completely happy to be frozen out of conversation.

i really think we need counselling.

anyway before I’ve posted this, DH came down to say sorry and I just got annoyed again and said why do you treat me like this and he had no real answer and he’s got fed up and walked off again and said there’s no point talking to me

Spoilt lazy fucker.

That would make my blood boil. Absolutely counseling, good luck! And well done for standing up for yourself.

How strange. That's not normal behavior and I'm not sure that counseling will fix it. Is he odd in other ways?

Why would you allow this?! Like repetitively?! Tell him to fuck himself! Your child witnessing this will think it’s ok.

Yes he’s odd in other way but doesn’t see it.

Very upset about personal space. Will get irritated if I’m in the kitchen area when he is. He is tense if I open a drawer while he is on the other side of the kitchen as it’s in ‘his space’ and will often leave the kitchen if I’m using it and ask for me to notify when I’ve finished. also will ask me to stay out of the kitchen until he’s finished eg making eggs as he finds me being nearby ‘unnerving’
other sensory issues to do with loud noises eg fire alarms and the noise of tube trains

wont walk next to be on the pavement as my pass is unusually too fast and too slow and he finds it unnerving. Would prefer to walk ahead or walk behind me. Actively avoids going for a walk with me.

if I ask him a question ‘would you like a cup of tea’ sometimes he will snap and say you pepper me with overwhelming questions. You are too intense you always ask questions.

Sometimes I think he’s got autistic traits? He’s very charming and sociable at work but I think it could be a mask and when he’s at home he gives yo and that’s why he’s so horrible and tired all the time

I don’t allow it. I kick off but it’s not good for our child

Paranoid and controlling

'Pass it to my hand' - what on earth?! OP that's really weird...

Him or me?

Absolute manipulation and gas lighting on his part.Needs addressing through whatever way but he needs to understand how detrimental his behaviour is.

Yes to autistic traits- but this isn’t a get out for him. He can’t treat you badly because of this (my son has autism I know it well). How long have you been married?

Him not you

Thanks. I don’t know how to broach the autistic traits thing . He once watched a tv programme and agreed some things were true for him (routine and rigidity) but when I mentioned it again he flared up and said there is nothing wrong with him and I am making him feel weird and we all have different traits. So he thinks it’s me being un accepting of who he is.

together 7 years, married 3

Ok- definitely ask him to go for counselling. You’ve not been together too long and need to work out whether he will acknowledge his poor behaviour and change it or if there’s no hope. Also maybe the therapist will say to him about his traits lean on the spectrum.

positively my sister also married someone with undiagnosed autism. He was very stubborn and tricky but finally agreed to counselling and it was a realisation- they are both very happy now

OP, he sounds really awful.
The situation and interactions are nasty, and toxic.
This is what your child is witnessing.
Are you happy?
It really sounds very unpleasant.

He’s like a fucking child and a walking ick.

It is really unpleasant I completely agree.

No I’m not happy with situations like this and I’m not happy with our child witnessing it. I’d like to think about how to fix it. I don’t want to jump to LTB

A basic thing of a good marriage is you try and treat the other person well and with respect. You do nice things for them. And, if they're doing something for you (like making you a drink or passing you something you asked for), you don't pretend you can't move your arm and can't take it. So childish.

He's deliberately provoking you -- and then trying to turn it around on you when you get rightly upset about it. Probably it's because he's in a mood and wanting an excuse to leave or he just wants to make someone else feel bad too. I'd tell him: When you're upset, you take it out on me by doing this and it's not okay.

No I’m not happy with situations like this and I’m not happy with our child witnessing it. I’d like to think about how to fix it. I don’t want to jump to LTB

But you can't fix it

Only DH can fix it

Your poor child having to put up with his Dad being a narc moron and his Mum kicking off all the time

So I stop kicking off or I leave?

The situation needs to change for the child's MH

What's the best way to do that?

How the hell did you manage to have a child with this man?!

Does he always ruin special occasions?

classic mumsnet answer but he wasn’t this bad before we had DC. He was much for pleasant and enjoyable to be around. The quirks seemed just quirks

Yes