To be annoyed or need to calm down

[Redlorryyellowcar]

I’m really really annoyed right now and I think I need to vent before I speak to my husband. I can’t tell if I’m tired and hangry or NBU

DC4 wanted to do a little family for my birthday (blow up some balloons, have a special drink and dance to the radio). My birthday was the other day and he’s been dying to have this party every day.

DH and DC bought some juice the other day for this. At 5pm DH comes down from WFH. I make the juice into a ‘cocktail’ with DC (fizzy water, straw, juice). DH lying on the sofa, I go over and pass him his drink, he meekly almost puts his arm out but then immediately puts it back to draping it almost on the floor and I say I’m passing you your drink and he says yes pass it to my hand (inches from the floor) and I’m like no put your arm out like a normal person. He refuses so I put it on the side table. DC tried to keep the peace and says here daddy and passes his drink right to his hand.
DH has form for this all the time, he says pass me the car keys and I put my arm out to him with the keys and he refuses to move his arm from next to his body and insists I pass the keys completely to his hand next to his thigh (no effort). Whenever I question this he says don’t be lazy. It’s the WEIRDEST thing. I hate it. It’s never changed.
anyway I said why are you being like this? Stop ruining the party?!
he ignores me. I say cheers to DC and DH and DH blanks me out and just cheers our son and completely freezes me out of the room.
I then lose my temper and say why are you always like this, why are you so rude and weird?!
and he’s saying stop losing your temper with me in front of our child, you’re upsetting our child.

he then goes upstairs and I have the ‘party’ with DC within DH and DC getting intermittently upset that daddy is missing the party and I scared him away.

I probably should have said nothing both times but it fcks me off that DH treats me this way in front of DC. Like I have to serve him drinks on my knees and also be completely happy to be frozen out of conversation.

i really think we need counselling.

anyway before I’ve posted this, DH came down to say sorry and I just got annoyed again and said why do you treat me like this and he had no real answer and he’s got fed up and walked off again and said there’s no point talking to me

I think counselling.

i don’t want to split and leave child with him 50:50

Will he go to counselling?

I'd start documenting these episodes of his for the future, should he refuse counselling or counselling not work.

I would expect that this will simply become more and more exhausting as the years pass, and it will impact your child more deeply, and it will also become progressively harder for you to leave.

But then, I am a big advocate of ‘when someone shows you who they are…’ and I admit to being fairly quick in there with the LTBs on mumsnet. There are just SO many threads where OPs are being treated like crap and internalising the responsibility for fixing it.

tldr: LTB

Have you done a ltb before? Genuine question not being obtuse

Do you mean have I done it in my own life, OP? Yes. Sorry if I’ve misunderstood though (edited for typos)

He is absolutely toxic and he is deliberately provoking you.
Get organised.
Get advice from Women's aid.
Reach out to family and friends and tell them the truth.
Keep a record of his behaviour.
You need an exit plan if he is not willing to change.
It is highly unlikely such a prick would change.
I don't think his behaviour is autistic.
I think he is a prick that likes to upset and provoke you.
That is emotional abuse or both you and your child.
Get advice from Women's aid.

There’s way more to it than I’ve shared. Yes I had noted things in the past but gave up a while back - what’s the point - who cares what I put on a record? It doesn’t help or prove anything

What happens if you just put the drink near him ie within reach? Or toss the keys next to him for example does he continue the behaviour? I seem to remember my ex demanding I pass him things properly to his hands it stopped after I dropped the keys in his crotch "accidentally" (I tumble dried his cash card too because he couldn't be bothered to empty his pockets) it was an abuse pattern he was also competing with the children for attention

If you want to stay with him then you'll have to deal with his oddness differently. Autism or not, that passing things to him and him ruining every occasion is weird. The provoking you until you snap fixes something inside his brain. That's bugger all to do with autism, he has a mean streak.

Don't attempt to pass anything else to him ever. Just put it down from the off. I'd even go as far as not include him in a special thing at all and walk away at any attempts to provoke you. You know what presses your buttons. Don't let him press them.

If you want to have a life with this man, you will have to change how you react to him. He's not going to change.

Passive aggressive a hole
You react and you look like they bad one…controlling and refusing to take responsibility when it is called out.

I have an autistic son and DH and neither of them act anything like this to me. Yes they get overwhelmed with things and a bit grumpy but not at me and they would never be so rude and disrespectful. Yeah he may be autistic but he is also a nasty prick. Sorry OP. I wouldn't tolerate this.

He once wouldn’t put his hands out for car keys so I said I have no choice but to put them on the ground (he would barely even open his fingers to accept them).
he was furious to pick them up off the ground in the car park. He then bought me a sandwich and placed in on the floor in a public area and said clearly like being given things on the floor

The passing stuff directly into his hands is weird, contemptuous and very passive aggressive, as is the spoiling special occasions. He sounds awful to be around. I couldn’t put up with this. Are there any other weird traits?

Yes!!! This is it. I always react worse, I’m always the more annoyed one, he says I always blow things up. I always make it 10 times worse. I don’t know how to stop myself reacting… I wish I could be I don’t want to be treated this way either FFS where’s the way out

Okay really good points

That’s so odd. Could it be some form of strange demand avoidance? Like adult PDA?

Fuck that. I would have gone nuclear if he did that to me. But Shame him by asking mutual friends and family in front of him what they make of his behaviour. What a tosspot.

Yes!!! I’ve looked into this and lots and lots of it is him.

any instructions, requests, calendars, preferences, routines, he HATES he says it’s controlling. He will refuse to eat whatever I make for dinner (even if I change what I make, plan his favourite foods) as he says he doesn’t want to have his meals dictated to him. He will either make his own food or eat snacks for dinner to avoid what I’ve made (im not a bad cook either)

So I do go nuclear but then I feel deep shame afterwards that I’ve lost my shit AGAIN

I would just put the drink on the floor/ table and carry on with whatever I was doing. Just ignore it. He's just doing it for attention as he knows it pisses you off.

Okay thank you yes that’s a good idea

Never pass him anything ever again.

His behaviour is contemptuous and provocative.

YANBU for being annoyed at him but you are for kicking off in front of your son. Your DS had been looking forward to this - you should have kept it in until you and DH were alone and then confronted him - instead you shouted at him in front of DS and then DS was upset.

of DH doesn’t change and never will you either need to accept that or leave him. Keep kicking off at him won’t do either of you any favours and the one who will suffer is your DS.

This might be a strange question - but does he actually like you?? From your description it sounds like he dislikes you intensely. I’m sure that’s not the case. Do you have good times together? Is he ever actually nice to you?

Then I don't see how you can possibly 'win'

Whatever you do, whenever you do it, it will be wrong.

What is he like with DC when you're not there?