To be annoyed or need to calm down

[Redlorryyellowcar]

I’m really really annoyed right now and I think I need to vent before I speak to my husband. I can’t tell if I’m tired and hangry or NBU

DC4 wanted to do a little family for my birthday (blow up some balloons, have a special drink and dance to the radio). My birthday was the other day and he’s been dying to have this party every day.

DH and DC bought some juice the other day for this. At 5pm DH comes down from WFH. I make the juice into a ‘cocktail’ with DC (fizzy water, straw, juice). DH lying on the sofa, I go over and pass him his drink, he meekly almost puts his arm out but then immediately puts it back to draping it almost on the floor and I say I’m passing you your drink and he says yes pass it to my hand (inches from the floor) and I’m like no put your arm out like a normal person. He refuses so I put it on the side table. DC tried to keep the peace and says here daddy and passes his drink right to his hand.
DH has form for this all the time, he says pass me the car keys and I put my arm out to him with the keys and he refuses to move his arm from next to his body and insists I pass the keys completely to his hand next to his thigh (no effort). Whenever I question this he says don’t be lazy. It’s the WEIRDEST thing. I hate it. It’s never changed.
anyway I said why are you being like this? Stop ruining the party?!
he ignores me. I say cheers to DC and DH and DH blanks me out and just cheers our son and completely freezes me out of the room.
I then lose my temper and say why are you always like this, why are you so rude and weird?!
and he’s saying stop losing your temper with me in front of our child, you’re upsetting our child.

he then goes upstairs and I have the ‘party’ with DC within DH and DC getting intermittently upset that daddy is missing the party and I scared him away.

I probably should have said nothing both times but it fcks me off that DH treats me this way in front of DC. Like I have to serve him drinks on my knees and also be completely happy to be frozen out of conversation.

i really think we need counselling.

anyway before I’ve posted this, DH came down to say sorry and I just got annoyed again and said why do you treat me like this and he had no real answer and he’s got fed up and walked off again and said there’s no point talking to me

Yes thank you I needed to hear this.

I didn’t quite shout but I used harsh tones and was clearly annoyed. I DO need to keep it inside for my son. I really do. That IS something I can do. I can control that

Sorry I would have to just leave that marriage. He’s a narcissist and won’t change. Narcissists can also be ND as much as they can be NT but it doesn’t remove the narcissist.

Autism doesn’t explain that sort of controlling behaviour- deliberately trying to humiliate you which is what the “put it in my hand” stuff is.

Say “Shall I leave my divorce petition here DH, or pass it to you?” Yeah, OTT, but honestly OP, life’s too short to put up with this.

what do you mean? I don’t know how he is with DC when im not there?

you mean when I’m upstairs and can hear? He can lose patience with DC4 quite easily

Haha!

but yes I hear you

Does DC ever comment as to what they've done or how your husband has behaved?

Does he appear to love his DC? Doesn't sound like it

It’s good to hear you explain the put it in my hand stuff

im like is it laziness or entitlement or does he not get social norms? Is he really tired? I keep trying to work out his weird quirks

He absolutely adores DC but find parenting overwhelming. He’s like ‘me time’ and routine and tidiness.

DC just begs us both to be nice to each other. God that’s hard to type. He just says daddy be nice to mummy or mummy stop talking to daddy like that

im like is it laziness or entitlement or does he not get social norms? Is he really tired? I keep trying to work out his weird quirks

or is it that he just wants all your attention and mental energy all of the time? In which case. He’s nailed it.

What a dick. Sorry. But you married a dickhead.

Does he do these behaviours in front of friends and family? What if they were passing something to him?

The problem you're going to have in the future is if you learn to continually keep it in and not say anything, you might get so good at this that you're keeping in things that shouldn't be kept in.
Like right now, not saying anything on front of your DC for his sake is important, but where does it end, what will you end up accepting?

I really can’t think what he would do with family and friends. His family he would be as rude as he fancies to them. My family have seen some of he behaviour and don’t really like him which he has picked up on so he mainly avoids them and encourages me to as well (I don’t).
his friends - he sees less and less. I think he’s depressed. He likes alone time a lot.
i don’t think he would be as rude to his friends as he is to me but he doesn’t see them much so less opportunity to be rude.

perhaps I keep it in in front of DC for a while with a longer term plan.
i need to stop getting annoyed with husband around DC it’s not fair on DC I feel so awful for him just for today. He’s trying to keep the peace all the time and he’s only just 4 it’s awful

Stop trying to work him out and start working out what you want to accept.
Regardless of why he's doing it, it's affecting you and your DC negatively.

And you'll probably never really know, he's unlikely to go get a diagnosis so it's a waste of your precious energy.

It's completely ok to simply not want to deal with his sh!t any longer, full stop.

OP, provoking you is sport for him.
You need to realise that.

I presume you are no longer having sex with him?
I certainly hope not.
Move out of the bedroom if you can.
He is abusing you both.
He is a really bad man.
He is deliberately distressing you and your child.
You must NEVER get pregnant again.
You need to tell family the truth.
He will say he will want 50/50 but he won't want that.
Get that child away from him.
He likes upsetting you both.
It is important you fully understand that.
You both deserve better than him.

He is nasty scum.
That poor little boy.

Does he take orders in work and do tasks assigned to him.
His whole thing around not eating your food etc is seriously weird. I'm sorry but l don't think this is going to get any better and your head will be stressed out even more. Is his dad like this? Has he ever had suggestions in school around his behaviour?

im like is it laziness or entitlement or does he not get social norms? Is he really tired? I keep trying to work out his weird quirks

This isn't not getting social norms. This isn't autism it is nasty abusive behaviour. I know you are trying to understand him but relating this behaviour to autism is pretty offensive. Autism doesn't make you nasty like this.

He's trying to wind you up on purpose. That's very sinister sociopathic behaviour he's testing you because he wants to see how little respect you have for yourself.
You need to show him you respect yourself and will leave because of this. So what if he says it's small fry it's up to you what you tolerate in life

Yes that does have some autistic traits in there. But that's no excuse. I'm autistic and I can hear a partner tell me something drives them crazy eg the passing thing he has and I would change that. And I would expect you to respect the kitchen weirdness. I'd expect you to manage the weird walking when I'm stressed but I'd make an effort to walk with you other times if I knew it was important to you. Relationships are give and take. Autism may mean we need to be told what's upsetting a partner and told what would be better way to do something but it's not impossible. He's making no effort and is controlling and manipulative. He intentionally ruined the party. That's not autism that's an arsehole

This. You're going to end up a nervous wreck OP, constantly checking/stopping your own justified reaction to his behaviour. As another poster said, he has a mean streak. He's humiliating you. But you're the bad guy if you object? Sod that.

Fwiw a divorce doesn't mean custody would necessarily be 50/50. I have 3 dc, they spend 6 days and 2 nights per month with their Dad.

So he says it makes him a nervous wreck constantly having to check his behaviour around me or I get upset. It’s hard to know what’s him or me being unreasonable

yes he would go for 50:50

So interesting thanks for replying so you think I need to be accommodating to the kitchen weirdness thing? Sometimes that means I can’t get my own breakfast or make the kids breakfast because he is in the kitchen. It’s really really hard

The walking thing okay so I need to be flexi ok this

and sorry I wasn’t going to bring in the autistic traits thing I was replying to someone saying did he do anything else odd and it kind of came from there, its wasn’t the point on my original OP

@Redlorryyellowcar Just read back

but it fcks me off that DH treats me this way in front of DC. Like I have to serve him drinks on my knees and also be completely happy to be frozen out of conversation.

This isn't how you want to be treated (or should be treated, to be honest)

Sometimes I think he’s got autistic traits? He’s very charming and sociable at work but I think it could be a mask and when he’s at home he gives yo and that’s why he’s so horrible and tired all the time

This may be true - he may be autistic.
He can be the way he wants and live the way he wants .......... but it's not a good reason for him to avoid counselling and taking advice and responsibility if he wants to live in a relationship with somebody

I kick off but it’s not good for our child
No, it's not good for your child - you know that.
And it's not good for you to feel you're always 'kicking off'. It makes you feel like you're the one who's being unreasonable all the time - when really all you're doing is standing up for yourself

No I’m not happy with situations like this and I’m not happy with our child witnessing it. I’d like to think about how to fix it. I don’t want to jump to LTB

nobody in your situation wants to just' jump to LTB', but sometimes it's a considered choice that has to be made.
It's a very, very scary decision . ............. but so is the alternative

Does he always ruin special occasions?
Yes

This says a lot

There’s way more to it than I’ve shared. Yes I had noted things in the past but gave up a while back - what’s the point - who cares what I put on a record? It doesn’t help or prove anything

Who cares? - the only person who has to care is you, because you're the one who needs to do something - no -one else can do it for you

I always react worse, I’m always the more annoyed one, he says I always blow things up. I always make it 10 times worse. I don’t know how to stop myself reacting… I wish I could be I don’t want to be treated this way either FFS where’s the way out

You don't 'always make it 10 times worse ' - he's using YOU as the excuse for HIM not needing to change his behaviour

You have choices - you ALWAYS have choices:

If he's not prepared to accept counselling and you want to stay with him, then you put up with it
If he's prepared to accept counselling and his behaviour changes, then it's a win
If you don't go for counselling, then you put up with it if you want to stay with him
If you go for counselling and his behaviour doesn't change, you either accept it or you don't accept it. You then decide to stay and put up with his behaviour (and don't complain about it) or you decide you don't want to put up with it and do something about it

So I do go nuclear but then I feel deep shame afterwards that I’ve lost my shit AGAIN

Yep, he makes you feel the shame for YOUR behaviour that he shoud be feeling for HIS behaviour

I DO need to keep it inside for my son. I really do. That IS something I can do. I can control that

You may need to keep it inside for your son -- but what is that actually teaching him?? Children sense tension and you'll be teaching him to put up with shit behaviour

I keep trying to work out his weird quirks
why are YOU making all the effort? He doesn't seem to be making any effort

DC just begs us both to be nice to each other. God that’s hard to type. He just says daddy be nice to mummy or mummy stop talking to daddy like that

This says it all really!

So he says it makes him a nervous wreck constantly having to check his behaviour around me or I get upset. It’s hard to know what’s him or me being unreasonable

He would say that tho, wouldn't he. He's not going to accept any blame - it's so much easier to blame someone else.

yes he would go for 50:50
He may say that, but is it just words?
He can lose patience with DC4 quite easily
He absolutely adores DC but find parenting overwhelming. He’s like ‘me time’ and routine and tidiness

Sometimes, we women just need to 'save the man who's struggling' or 'rescue the bad boy'/ We feel guilty for 'abandoning' people that we think we can help.

Sometimes we can't tho. Sometimes we can help up to a point and then that person need to want to change and needs to want to accept help.

perhaps I keep it in in front of DC for a while with a longer term plan
Sometimes we need to let go for the sake of the other people that we love

I know it's not an easy choice and whatever you do is going to be difficult ......... so you may as well think of what's best for you and the person you want to protect most x

Sounds like autistic traits..i worked for an autistic woman who was lovely to me but vile to her husband

I can see how the other things fit into autism/PDA, but I absolutely cannot for the life of me figure out he could possibly hold down a job if his PDA is so severe he won't lift his arm to receive items he has asked for or actively wants himself. Is it a severe form of masking??? Maybe someone more knowledgeable will be able to shed light on this.
Regardless, there's three things here:

• you can be autistic and a total dick, and he sounds like a total dick - there's no remorse or trying to make it up to you in other ways or trying to learn coping mechanisms or compromise for the sake of your child, so he's a dick.
• you are not obligated to be in a relationship with someone who treats you badly, even if the cause of that behaviour is autism. You are not obligated to be in any relationship where you are not treated well, full stop. It's a waste of your life.
• it is not good to teach your child that this is a normal relationship dynamic, or normal behaviour.

Does he behave like this, specifically the receiving items with others?
Likely not.
He's just another abusive arsehole first and foremost.
The rest could be anything.
Far too easy to ascribe arsehole behaviour to ND.
Very often it is just their character.