Colleague has taken a dislike to me, feeling uncomfortable at work

[Edellondon]

I started a new job a few months back, another woman started around the same time so we were both together learning the role etc, we seemed to be getting on well with no issues. A few more people joined and she became friendly with them, all fine. Ive noticed she has now given me the cold shoulder and seems very off with me. She's just not being very friendly and minimal conversation. I feel I've obviously said or done something to upset her. She's quite a big personality and I find myself becoming quieter in the team. It's almost like she makes a point not to include me, for example will ask a few of the women to go for a coffee in the kitchen with her but not me.
It all feels very school like. I messaged her to test the waters, just a friendly message about something and she didn't even read it or respond to it. Im starting to feel really uncomfortable in work and dreading going in. Everyone else in the team seems fine with me but as she is quite loud and outgoing I feel she has become closer to everyone. We are a group of only twenty people in one room so not really getting away from her. AIBU to leave the job or stick it out?
Minus the issue with this lady everything else about the job works well with my lifestyle and its very accommodating for my kids etc i feel i cant speak to the boss as the lady hasn't really done anything wrong

Advice?

Why not ask her outright? I know it takes courage but it would be a shame for you to have to leave a job you like and which works for you. Something like 'Could you come to the kitchen with me for five minutes? I'd like to talk to you about something that I'd rather remain private.' In the kitchen or other private place, say: 'I feel you've been a bit awkward with me recently. What's going on?'

Thanks, I had thought about it but was worried it could potentially make things much worse and she'll also have something to take to the boss about me, accusing her of something. I suppose if it continues something will have to happen

Don't get another job! Maybe you've upset her, maybe you haven't. If everyone else is OK with you then it was obviously nothing major. Maybe you could ask another person in the team "Hey, I'm not sure Annie likes me?! Has she ever mentioned anything to you?!"

If she's quite loud and it's a team of 20, it's likely she's grating on a few bodies there anyway, so don't worry. You can't be everyone's cup of tea.

Think of it like this... 5% of the people in your team might not be crazy about you/wanting to be a personal friend. That's not too shabby.

Don't let her hound you out! Keep going in, behave just as usual, and keep an eye on things.

Is it actually a problem? Not everybody is going to like us. You only need to have a professional relationship.

For heaven's sake, why can't some adults leave behind playground behaviour at least while they are at work? It seems that this woman has taken against you for some unknown reason, but you are still her colleague and deserve to be treated as one.
If you decide to speak to her, i would make it quite brisk and businesslike, not particularly emotional. Something like 'You OK, Valerie? You've been a bit quiet recently, and I never got a reply to my message about X'.

If she's deliberately ignoring you, not including you she may feel threatened that you are better at your job or she could just be a billy trying to be the queen bee.,are you likely to be having an appraisal soon, do you get on well with your boss, do they gave staff meetings where bullying, respect and diversity can be bought up as a discussion.

Depends how genuine she is. I felt a colleague was off with me once so I messaged her and asked if everything was OK. She came back all sweetness and light saying everything was perfectly fine, she was just having a bad week! Then dozens of emails were leaked out where she was tearing me to shreds with another colleague saying really personal things as well as how crap I was at my job!

I was absolutely heartbroken as I considered her a friend; but it really does say more about them when they're behaving that kind of way! Moral of the story - you can ask, but don't expect it to be a genuine reply and don't expect it to change anything between you. You have to learn to live with it and accept you're not for everyone and that's ok!

Sorry I just made that all about me lol

This is a type of bullying, by exclusion. I'd speak to my line manager or HR. This is unacceptable to make you feel uncomfortable in the workplace

Yes, it is a problem. It;s true that not everyone likes us, but OP is talking about someone who is going a step further, who is actively being disagreeable. It can affect the OP's work. It's a horrible situation to be in. It's clearly something that has never happened to you.

Do not leave your job over her!
I am going to go against previous advice and say dont ask her outright, she may well deny anything is wrong then use that to gossip about you.
I would play her at her own game personally, short answers if you need to talk, speak to everybody else as normal, pretend shes not there (i know how difficult this can be as she is loud etc)
I have similar but with my DD's friends mum, she will stand next to me but talk to everybody but me, another mum noticed too.
no falls outs with our children, she will speak to my husband fine at partys etc.
So now i do the same, i completly ignore the fact she is there and talk to everybody else but her. Never found out her problem, and now i dont care, its her problem not mine.

Dont let her get to you, not worth it x

If everyone else is fine, just mirror her behaviour and leave it at that.

No point in leaving if you're otherwise happy, as there's no guarantee a similar thing won't happen elsewhere.

I wouldn’t do this. It will give her the sense that she has some sort of importance to you.

She is nothing but a colleague. Be pleasant but otherwise ignore. If you genuinely think you’ve done nothing to warrant this behaviour, don’t give it oxygen.

You like you. Others like you. She is no matter.

She sounds like an unhinged cunt.

Wide berth and ignore. Fuck her.

If you have to interact, make sure its ONLY work related AND documented.

True. Just ignore it, be nice and professional, say good morning, don't go in the kitchen when she's there, she's not important in your life. When you feel her getting on your tit's think about something nice instead.

Thanks everyone, yes initially I was going out of my way to be overly nice to try and compensate or make up if ive done something to offend her but it was almost worse, so last day or two I just ignored her mostly but now I feel like im becoming quieter and quieter as I don't want to draw attention to us not speaking to each other. Hate feeling awkward and Im worried she'll turn people against me. I'm going to keep a look out for a new job, praying this woman leaves but not likely unfortunately

It has happened to me, and I just shrugged my shoulders and got on with it. Work is often easier when you see your colleagues as colleagues, not friends. If you like each other, consider it a bonus.

On the flip side, I once had a colleague I disliked very much, from very early on in our working relationship. One day he cornered me by the coffee machine and wouldn't let me go until I'd explained why I didn't like him. It was excruciating for us both. 0/10 do not recommend.

Don't do that, just be civil towards her and behave completely normally towards everyone else. You're there to work, not be BFFs.

DO NOT MAKE YOURSELF SMALLER OR TAKE UP LESS SPACE FOR ANYONE.

Act the same as her

@Edellondon I feel I've obviously said or done something to upset her

Why have you OBVIOUSLY done something to upset her??
I think you're possibly just feeling vulnerable in a new work environment and feel that you're not going to have any friends or support because everyone will be on her side?

Everyone else in the team seems fine with me

Don't worry about ONE person, when everyone else is fine with you

She's quite a big personality - personally, I'd find a new member of staff like this to be a pain at work - I'd be polite because she's a new member of staff and I want her to feel comfortable and welcomed onto the team

I think we all feel really vulnerable in a new work environment and want/ need to get on with all co-workers (until we can work out the working dynamics and who we get on better with)

Instead of thinking that YOU'VE done something to upset HER and trying to put it right, try thinking about what SHE'S doing to upset you - and just be yourself with everyone.

I know it's easier said than done when you're feeling unsure of yourself in a new environment, but honestly it works! And you don't know if people want to escape her big personality.

Remember that most people are just looking to work in a harmonious work environment. Just be yourself and things will work out.
Honestly they will 🙂

(**edited to include @ OP )

This. Totally this.

I'd like to bet she's pissing a few people off. I'd also like to bet that she'll single someone else out for her bullying before very long if you continue to not react.

Honestly OP, please don’t let this bother you.

Normally the “big personality” types in the office are usually the most annoying and the most disliked.

Go to work, do your job then go home. Life’s too short to sit and wonder “what have I done?” “Have I upset them”? Because I guarantee she doesn’t give a fuck that she’s upset you.

Sorry to hear this OP.

It might not be the same thing but reminded me of my workplace. Theres a woman at work that took a dislike to another woman at work for no good reason. She does moan about her behind her back and is also one of those loud, chatty extrovert types a bit like your colleague. But the rest of us are wise to her and don’t take any notice and are well aware that someone who gossips and bitches behind one person’s back will likely do the same to others! She seems to really like me and tries to befriend me outside of work but I keep her at arm’s length and politely decline because of how she is to the other woman.

Just saying this because the other women in your office may not like her as much as she thinks and they might be secretly feeling sorry for you having to put up with her!

Try to just breeze through it and pretend you don’t notice her curt manner- don’t give her the satisfaction. It will be a her issue, not a you issue.