Colleague has taken a dislike to me, feeling uncomfortable at work

[Edellondon]

I started a new job a few months back, another woman started around the same time so we were both together learning the role etc, we seemed to be getting on well with no issues. A few more people joined and she became friendly with them, all fine. Ive noticed she has now given me the cold shoulder and seems very off with me. She's just not being very friendly and minimal conversation. I feel I've obviously said or done something to upset her. She's quite a big personality and I find myself becoming quieter in the team. It's almost like she makes a point not to include me, for example will ask a few of the women to go for a coffee in the kitchen with her but not me.
It all feels very school like. I messaged her to test the waters, just a friendly message about something and she didn't even read it or respond to it. Im starting to feel really uncomfortable in work and dreading going in. Everyone else in the team seems fine with me but as she is quite loud and outgoing I feel she has become closer to everyone. We are a group of only twenty people in one room so not really getting away from her. AIBU to leave the job or stick it out?
Minus the issue with this lady everything else about the job works well with my lifestyle and its very accommodating for my kids etc i feel i cant speak to the boss as the lady hasn't really done anything wrong

Thanks, yes I do think over time she will likely grate on people especially as I think how she's behaving towards me is quite immature and unprofessional. Just hate feeling this way at the moment, she sits near me so difficult to get away and might look strange to move seats.

How does the women in your work handle things? Do you think shes aware this lady moans about her

We are allowed to play the radio quietly at work as background music which acts as a useful distraction for any awkwardness. Might your workplace allow this too? A lot of people seem to work better with quiet background music.

The mean woman can be short and snappy with her (especially in front of others) so I think the other woman must be aware of it, but while she doesn’t make a special effort with her she doesn’t seem to let it show that it bothers her.

Maybe it’s the same as what we were told at school: bullies desperately want an emotional reaction so don’t give them anything and they might stop bothering.

Bullies like weak people and any sense that they are gaining power. Rather than fading away and losing confidence, do the opposite. Ask her in front of others, ‘Did you see the text I sent you?’. It will be hard for her to be nasty with witnesses.

If she ignores you, pointedly speak to her. If she moves, say “Oh - have I done something to upset you?”

I really think that people who behave like this need attention brought to their unacceptable, unprofessional behaviour and ideally in front of others. I did everything I’ve suggested above and the woman bullying me stopped.

Sorry to hear this OP. I've been in a similar situation and it causes such unnecessary anxiety around social interactions that shouldn't be occupying your headspace at all.

The best advice I received about it was: head down, do your job and do it well, stay professional. Accept she doesn't like you and that this is her problem. Once you accept this is the case, you don't need to worry about confirming whether she doesn't like you and you don't need to put any effort into getting her to like you.

Her behaviour sounds immensely petty and childish. If it affects your work in any way - for example if you need to communicate about something but she's being difficult - that is the point at which you escalate it to your manager. Keep your complaint about the specific unprofessional behaviour from her, don't bring any of the cliquey shit into it.

As for your friendships with other members of your team, I'd reach out to them on a one-to-one basis. Suggest lunch or a coffee to one or two of them. She's got the personality that dominates group settings so let her have them. I can assure you that not everyone is enamoured of those personalities!

I know someone in a social setting who has been performatively unfriendly to just about everyone in turn for silly reasons. She can be great fun. But when it became my turn, so to speak, it was kind of easy, because I'd stopped taking her seriously. If I'd been the first one, I'd have been distraught.

I could have written this myself. I too make myself smaller and hate going to work as I just feel anxious now. Trying to keep my head down and raise above. I did try to sort it out with manager , but nothing changed unfortunately. Hope you are okay

I don't see how playing music quietly in the background can act as a distraction. This is about social interaction, not the environment!

The OP isn't trying to make friends with her 'enemy', she just wants ( as other posters have pointed out) a harmonious working life! And as your own reply clearly shows, disliking a colleague lead to an excruciating outcome for you both. And that is what the OP wants to avoid. Did you take a spontaneous, gratuitous dislike to him for no good reason at all, and made him aware of it, or, was he harassing you in some way? Not that it's important here , but the point is that the Op wants to be left to get on with her job.

Yes well unfortunately I had good reasons for disliking him, namely the fact that he was a complete arsehole who started bitching about people behind their backs and trying to tell me how to do my job on day one. Talking about that didn't make the situation any better because he just denied that he was doing it.

So, now we've circled all the way back round to the OP's original dilemma; her 'enemy' is being bitchy to her and behind her back - and the OP doesn't want it. She's asked for advice, and many posters have said, - don't speak to her- the enemy will very likely say, you're imagining things, or it's because of XYZ, or, as in your case, will deny it.

Which means there is absolutely no point trying to talk to her about it.

Either it's a simple personality clash, in which case you aren't going to make someone like you by trying to talk to them about why they don't like you, or it's petty high school level behaviour, in which case the best approach is to rise above it and behave like an adult.

What are you doing to support the who is being bullied?

Don't let it be a problem. Just you do you and chat to those you do like. Don't avoid her. If she wants to chat then fine but otherwise just talk to others and don't give it a second thought.

My boss is similar. She likes ignoring me then being super jolly with others but I just don't let it get to me and just get on with the job I love and be the bigger person. The other day I got there early yo a meeting and say down at a table. She then came in and sat on another table sp when others from the department arrived they sat with her and I was left on my own. But I'm a stubborn cow and was not gonna move so I stayed put then eventually I was joined by some lovely people.

There will always be someone that you don't really get on with in any workplace but it isn't a reason to quit unless you have a better job lined up.

Is there anyone there who can help support you? I think at work you just need one friend and once you have that friend you can put up with the others. First of all I would ask your boss if you can move seats. There's no way I would want to sit near her. You could even tell your boss that and say you'd rather sit next to someone who is more friendly.

I agree I would keep a diary of all the times it happens and then approach your manager, it’s bullying by exclusion, there is no point approaching her about it she will gaslight you and say it’s all in your head. Get your evidence and get her card marked by management.

I agree that's there is no point in talking about it to her.

But it's not a personality clash, as one person is doing the clashing, and the other is not. That's why the OP is posting about it. Because it's making working life difficult.

As as for petty high school behaviour, yes of course it is, MissScarlet. Has it really just dawned on you?. And the OP is being an adult about it.

Your example of that man who cornered you was pointless, since he was bitching about everyone. The OP is being singled out.

I had a colleague who had a boss who was so nasty to her that in the end she had to leave her job.

Someone who treats people like she treats you is not someone you want as a work friend. Do not look for another job. Do not make yourself quieter or smaller when she is around. You sound considerate and sensible and I think you would know if you had done something to annoy her. If she doesn't like you then that is her problem - don't make it yours.

This equates to bullying. I'd either speak to the person or a manager you can't continue like this. Everyone has the right to feel comfortable in their workplace

When they go to the kitchen, can you just get up and join them? It might be nothing?

I don’t think this woman is doing anything wrong. She’s decided you’re not for her, and that’s fine. She can have coffee with whoever she likes.

As long as you maintain a working relationship, all is well - she does not need to be your friend, or even like you. Was the message you sent her at work or to her personal number? I would expect a reply at work, about work related matters, but nothing else.

Leaving a job because someone doesn’t like you seems very extreme!

I'd ask what her problem was tbh

Like a school bully, attempting to appease her will just make her worse. Just be light and pleasant but don't go out of your way. A brisk morning nod is sufficient. Don't try to talk to her and don't trail off after her group to have a coffee or whatever. If you try to tackle her about it, she won't suddenly have an epiphany that she has been an utter cow and start to be friendly to you. She is more likely to complain to your boss about you bullying her. Try to get friendly with one or two other co-workers, maybe the quieter ones. Suggest having coffee with them in the kitchen. Move seats if you want - who cares if it looks odd. I suspect that your co-workers don't really like this loud individual as much as you might think.

Your colleagues behaviour towards you is the start of harassment.

I suggest that you start to make a list or log, just in case her behaviour escalates and becomes worse. Include dates, times ad details of the incident (s) in case it escalates and you need to notify your manager.

From what you are saying in your post, it seems like she has a bad attitude towards you, for reasons completely unknown to you. Chances are, you have done nothing wrong, some women are born wicked, are mean and nasty for no good reason. They are insecure, lack basic communication skills and are weak minded.

So you have to be the strong one here OP, you can do it and I'll tell you how.

It is good that you get on well with your other colleagues. To keep yourself in stronger position you need to cover yourself, work to your absolute best of your ability so that your work is exemplary so* *vinegar tits can not call you, blame any thing on you and target the quality of your work.

Your managers and colleagues will see you are a team player, a valued and important member of their team is a strong position to be in and they will back you up.

Remember, you have a right to defend yourself but don't retaliate because this could go against you and its what she may be trying to push you into.

If she steps out of line, log it and give your log to HR and your manager who should deal with her and her shameful behaviour should stop, immediately. I wish you the best and hope things improve.

Leaving a job you’re otherwise happy in because of this silly woman would be ridiculous - there’s always at least one twat like this in any office. Just don’t give her the reaction she’s looking for and like most bullies, she’ll soon get fed up. Keep a written record of any bad behavior towards you though, and if it escalates speak to your manager. And as pp have said DO NOT make yourself smaller because of her (or anyone!)