To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

Best wishes @Namechangefornowonly

Could have written this. It never goes. It is a childhood of fear and bewilderment. Then feeling unworthy as an adult.

Pda is anxiety based and a medication to help the anxiety would definitely help. Controlling the anxiety could also allow op to discipline the other behaviours that are not pda based.

Ignore this poster OP. You are in a vulnerable place right now and this person clearly has no idea what she’s talking about. I don’t have much experience either but your boy is not a sociopath or anything else this poster is trying to insinuate. He’s an autistic 8 year old who is struggling and lashing out when he’s unable to regulate. I hope you manage to find a solution but my heart goes out to you. It can’t be easy at all.

The first sentence is complete nonsense.

My son's violent behaviour was an anxiety driven trauma response. Managed by dealing with the trauma by therapy, meeting his SEN needs AND anxiety medication (seratonin).

Autistic young people often have lower than normal seratonin levels which causes heightened anxiety (along with their sen needs).

This is why this would be better on the SEN board than on AIBU.

Right, so you had an entirely different scenario and no child protection issue to manage. There may well be no way back for op's younger children if she does not act to protect them. She should not be made to feel guilty for that. It is in the best interests of all the children. Would there be a way back for a bewildered, hurt, lost boy who seriously injured a baby?

I didn't want to read and run. Eight is so young, I thought you were going to say he's a teenager. I agree with the posters that say he shouldn't be lifting weights at that age, please take them away. There are other forms of exercise he can be doing at primary school age.
Aside from all that I would be looking at suitable residential schools, there must be some out there. Good luck to you all.

I'm not sure where you think a one year old will go to school. And the 4 year old isn't school age either.

How would a foster parent manage him any differently? Would they and their other DC not be at risk too? I think the answer is for your elder son to live in a secure unit. You could visit him there. I know there are not many secure institutions around but I'd be asking for him to go on a waiting list at least. Separate flats would be really expensive.

Firstly, I’m really sad for you that you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you and your family.

I work in education with children who have additional needs and challenging behaviour. My son is Autistic and attends an ASD school which has the option to board at term time. I know you said your son is out of the education setting currently, but this may be an option for you.

Without going into too much detail, my son’s friend is in the care system and lives in a house with 7 other boys. It’s managed by specially trained staff and he is absolutely thriving being there, rather than at the family home.

If you need any pointers for where to look, please feel free to message me. Sending you a hug 🩷

OP's son's behaviours don't sound like trauma responses either.

But the "anxiety" and "I got angry" are smokescreens, what the son wants his mother and the doctors to believe. Even doctors can be manipulated by such children and their parents' defensiveness out of fear over them, its such a difficult situation. This is soo clearly not a simple case of PDA.

Unfortunately, I grew up going to school with a child just like this who grew up to become a domestic abuser who hurt children and animals. The same red flags are right there. And I'm clearly not the only one. Other posters have shared their expereinces of growing up with a sibling just like this. It's not nonsense, it's not being goady. It's warning.

OP's does hurt the other DC. Your case where your DC was difficult to manage but was not harming others is different.

If you cannot face putting him into care then I think the other two children who are at risk should probably be allowed to live elsewhere. There may come a point where SS remove them if they consider them at risk, and I imagine it will be easier to find foster placement for them.

I’d live separately and I am sure you will get support for your son’s dad to get a place? Is that the plan you and the two kids and dh and the eldest.
I was once told by a lady about her having to put her son In to full time residential it was the making of him and kept the family together. Before hand she was going through a terrible time .

It’s not safe for an 8 year old to be doing that sort of exercise .

You have to make your home a safe space for the two wee ones .

You did not read the whole posts. This is not of an 8-year-old boy struggling to regulate his temper and lashing out. This is a pattern of calculated cruel behaviour towards others, paired with a suspiciously contradictory 'gentle' demeanour that doesnt make sense compared to how he bullies his younger siblings and plans to become stronger in the future so he can deal more damage.

I agree with this. It very much sounds like the low demand approach isn’t working for your son. It can work with others, but your son is still hurting you and his siblings. He’s being given every impression he rules the roost, that he never has to go back to school, that he’s Mr Big who’s going to scare other children if they don’t do what he wants. That’s not helping him and it’s not helping any of you.

If you’re hesitant about putting him in care, then look at other approaches rather than low demand. I do think you’re absolutely right to consider residential care for him - this is right for all of you IMO. Maybe it will help him too as well as giving you all the respite you need.

That sounds horrific and I’m sorry to hear that you are still suffering.
A lot of people are trying to minimise the impact that this boy is having on his siblings and suggesting he will grow out of it. Maybe but you are entirely correct that this behaviour sounds sadistic and calculated. It is not just lashing out due to not being able to regulate emotions. Putting glue in your classmates water bottle is not that, sorry. And these horror stories on here about people keeping their violent kids at home and them totally destroying their other kids and attacking pets ffs.

@BreatheAndFocus

I concur. I was advised to set firm rules and stick to them. Low demand teaches them that they don't have to listen to you. Obviously you pick your battles but the idea that education is not essential therefore a red line I've never heard of. Get respite and look into residential school as this might be the best fit for your child, they are all different

You can't know this for sure. It may help, it may not.

There can also be a level of violence that means reinstating discipline, or more importantly the recognition that other peoples needs matter, can simply be impossible. A child that has learnt violence works to achieve their goals can be exceptionally hard to re-educate.

Sorry you're all going through such a terrible time.

Is he on any medication?

You said - 'medication only helps if violence is out of temper'

That is compete nonsense.

You don't know this child any better than the rest of us.

He sounds very similar to the behaviours my child exhibited at 10. He is not a sociopath, he was traumatised. Some of his behaviours were thought to be manipulative but that was because he needed control to feel safe.

I had advice like the advice you are giving on here when he was 10 and lashing out like OPs son.

Thank god I didn't listen to you and write off my lovely caring boy. He is now 18, has not demonstrated any violence at all in his teen years because his needs were met and is now at University.

You haven't got a clue.

Well if it happens to them, they could buy a lottery ticket and set up a fully staffed special care unit for 8 year olds with their winnings....

Jeez this is so sad . I'd look into a residential school for him . Presume he has an Ehcp .. does he attend a Sen school now ?

You have to keep your smaller children safe as it will be a lifetime of mental health issues ahead otherwise

I should have clarified if the violence is out of temper OR anxiety.
And I'm so so glad you managed to find help for your son and he blossomed into a successful young man despite his trauma 🩷

But your son is not OP's.
I bet your son was not poisoning his children's water bottles with glue.
Or showing an interest in weightlifting to get stronger.
Or bullying his younger siblings.
These are not behaviours indicative of needing control in any way shape or form.

Find a sensory integration trained OT and ask for them to do an assessment. I did it during Covid and sent a 20 minute long video of 10-30 second clips of my son's behaviour. (I was recording at home so I had evidence it wasn't me hurting the kids). So if your son won't engage there are ways around it. And they speak to you in depth. Then you get advice on how to help the sensory regulation. Absolutely the best £600 I ever spent. If you can get them to visit the house too after the assessment I recommend that. Mine walked into my kitchen (where my son struggles) and told me my fridge buzzing would drive an auditory sensitive kid mad. I got a new fridge and follow the sensory diet and it's life changing. From what you are saying I recommend reading up on proprioception. Sensory processing disorder/difficulties.

And while you can get these OTs on the NHS/as part of EHCP assessment my experience is state funded are very cost aware whereas private put the child front and centre in the assessment