To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

No it is not the 'kindest' option to put the traumatised disabled child into foster care before you have seen if his trauma can be treated while he's at home. The OP hasn't been able to fully do this yet.

A specialist placement in a residential school is not something that can happen in an instant.

There are ways to keep all children safe without removing the disabled child from his home and family.

He hasn't been prescribed medication YET because GPs are unable to do so and because CAMHS is doing to this family what it does to many families up and down the country, unlawfully denying support because they are saying they won't deal with autistic children.

He can be prescribed SSRIs or anti psychotics by a clinical psychologist and a child psychiatrist. This is the appointment the mother is putting £2000 on a credit card to get quickly. The entire family has been badly failed by services that should be supporting all of them.

But rather than have a shred of empathy for the mother who is doing her best to protect ALL of her children a load of poster have come on here to call the disabled child names, imply she's been irresponsible for having children and to tell her that she should have to abandon her child.

Because I can tell you putting a child who needs you into any care setting before you have exhausted ALL other options feels like abandonment to the mother unless you haven't a heart.

In my first post I asked if there were any family who can support with the younger two so that she can focus on getting her eldest child better.

I have every empathy for the siblings of violent children. Clearly if his trauma response can't be successfully managed long term options will need to be looked at.

@Startinganew32 , I'm not sure what your back story is, or whether you are just chipping in from the sidelines, but your last post was naive.

OP and family do not sound as though they have yet had access to any specialist disability assessment from social care to support family members needs, any access to specialist neurodisability services to support the management of autism and trauma, any support from mental health services to support family dynamics, any access to safety planning, or a paediatric review, or a psychiatric review, (the latter is is the only place medication would be considered, and would usually only happen following the former).

In short, if I have understood correctly, they are only just starting out on their journey of getting specialist input to the situation. This, sadly, is quite usual. Families often don't get adequately skilled support until they are in utter crisis and people are getting hurt. If OP can now access specialist services (and she may need to pay or be really assertive in order to achieve this, enlisting her MP as PPs have said), then this situation has the potential to change dramatically, sometimes through relatively short interventions and/or medication. Children's developmental capacities change over time even without intervention. In short, this is a dynamic situation, there is hope, but OP and family desperately need sustained expert support to live safely and manage risk, develop strategies that reduce environmental stressors, equip parents with insights and skills to manage and support the development of more adaptive responses from DS, or if that fails or is contraindicated, find alternative solutions. This expert work needs to be done to unpick the situation and find the right solution for the whole family.

It is a national scandal that families like OP struggle without this expert support. All of the children face risks as a consequence, and as this thread amply demonstrates, children and parents get vilified and stigmatised, for a situation arising from disabilities. This is barbaric. If people feel the need to apportion 'blame' or find the 'villain' in this situation, it is not the distressed disabled 8 year old, or his grieving mother, but those who have let health, education and social care services decline to their current parlous states.

have you been in, or seen others, in the same circumstance?

These threads are infuriating ,like there is an abundance of specialist residential school, s and its simple to get a place, it's really not.

completely agree. It's beyond absurd. There seems to be this misconception that families in crisis who really need help can access it. It's absolutely not the case anymore and hasn't been for a long time. most posters probably never had to deal with the system which is just stacked against families - all in the name of saving money. it's sad but it is the reality. There is nowhere to send your disabled child to no matter how challenging. That's the reality.

A friend I’m on way to meeting now, her friend has a violent Autistic child who made several attempts on his mother’s life.
He was (is) powerful and it was after the last event where she was unconscious that it was deemed bad enough to merit a secure “home” that has staff on site 24/7 constantly.
He’s actually much happier-
His mother can visit, and it seems the best for everyone.

She tried everything prior to this to calm his behaviours.

Yes - it's very unsettling to realise that there are so many people who seriously believe that a child can be 'put in care' as per the old days, and that there are all kinds of residential provisions and services that can be accessed by a phone call or maybe 'chasing it up' ! They have no idea how high the bar is to get help and how many solid roadblocks are put in the way. Yes some services do still exist but in the same sense that the winning lottery ticket exists every week - It does not mean you are going to win every week ! The odds are very much against you and it is the same for residential provision for children or adults with any form of mental illness or disability. If you want residential, you are in the Hunger Games and you need to have all the fighting skills and knowledge to enter the arena. You need to learn from previous winners not those who have never competed.

And this is relevant how? ,I have a friend who has a child in a residential school too
But they are incredibly expensive there is not an abundance of them ,its not a simple process to get a place ,the school has to agree it can meet the child's needs, and they are sometimes hundreds of miles away from where the family live
Many posters on here haven't a clue.

AND, with the right interventions and/or medication many autistic children who display significant distressed behaviours and their families can live together at acceptable levels of risk.

People also don't understand a) autism is a dimensional condition and is different for each individual, and therefore the child of Frank's neighbour's cousin is not a basis to make generalised assumptions from, and b) autistic children, just like other children, grow and change, including in response to their environment, hormones, relationships and support. Things change, and with the right expert support, often for the better.

I thought I would pop back and give you an update on advice we have received from the "Team Around the Family".

If we are considering a residential school placement, which the social worker believes could be a good option here as our son would be in a less triggering environment hopefully, then we need to go through the EHCP process (which should take 20 weeks but in reality in our area it's taking longer).

The EHCP officer said that this means he needs to go back to a mainstream school setting first and be shown that he cannot cope there and be excluded. That will be the 2nd school to exclude him and then a SEN school can be named, this can be a residential school but then we will need that school and the Assessors to agree.

I've asked what we can do in the meantime, they've said to keep him going to his therapy sessions and keep pestering CAMHS.

We are also looking at other places other than the £2k appointment as many in my inbox have advised on other places to look first that appear to be able to offer more.

The Team have also said to keep going for walks around supermarkets if we need to, there's no refuge place we can go to. They've said seperate living may be a good idea.

But of course this does mean trying to seel our house and find appropriate places, which will takes months too.

I would also like to say I know this is a difficult conversation and it's bringing up a variety of views and experiences. I am appreciating seeing them all, even the harder ones to read, because it is the reality of our society and gives an insight into other angles and stretches my view on things.

Yes it makes for hard reading and at times makes me feel sick. But I am glad there's somewhere to talk.

It depends what the cost to the other children in the home is, as to whether ‘exhausting all other options first’ is reasonable. It’s a big ‘if’ as to whether other methods will be successful, and in the meantime what is happening to the siblings?

What is reasonable to you isn’t the same as what is reasonable to those who have been on the receiving end of abuse. Similarly, you may think keeping a violent child in the home is ‘worth it’, but their sibling isn’t necessarily going to end up having the same opinion. You cannot demand that others share your opinion, or shame them into doing so.

I haven’t told OP what to do. She asked whether it would be unreasonable to place him into care at this point - my opinion is that it would not be. My later posts you took issue were not even to OP - they were to a poster objecting to the victims of sibling abuse sharing opinions she doesn’t want them to have.

OP, some of the advice you have received from the LA officer on the EHCP process is incorrect. You can and should apply for an EHC assessment yourself immediately. Go to the IPSEA website for guidance and a model letter. They also offer a helpline. There is a long running EHCP thread on the SEND boards which I'd recommend you join for access to very knowledgeable posters who will offer support to though the process.

You should also consider requesting a social care assessment from the child disability team.

Would still recommend you find a child psychologist with a neurodevelopmental specialism very urgently.

We have begun the EHCP process ourselves already, waiting for the assessment part to happen. Currently the EHCP Officer is advising us that there is not sufficient evidence to show he cannot remain in the home, home educated, or thrive in a mainstream school.

I shall take a look at the board you have recommended though.

Oh god I really feel for you OP.
my dad was head of a residential special school that dealt with kids like your DS. It was a local authority one and is still around (PM if you want details.)

i was just thinking about your living arrangements. I don’t know if you’re heard of the latest ‘trend’ in living arrangements for separated couples - they retain the family home, and keep a flat too, and then the kids stay in the home and the parents swap their time there - so DCs have the most continuity.

it occurred to me you could do something similar - say you found two small terraced houses next door to each other- or very near. Then your older DS and one parent could be in one house and the other DCs and the other parent could be next door. Then you as adults can swap which house you’re in and the younger DCs can stay separate. This would also mean that if you could get any help or carers in to give you respite you can spend time together as a couple with the other 2 DCs… might that be the least horrible solution…?

Oh god I really feel for you OP.
my dad was head of a residential special school that dealt with kids like your DS. It was a local authority one and is still around (PM if you want details.)

i was just thinking about your living arrangements. I don’t know if you’re heard of the latest ‘trend’ in living arrangements for separated couples - they retain the family home, and keep a flat too, and then the kids stay in the home and the parents swap their time there - so DCs have the most continuity.

it occurred to me you could do something similar - say you found two small terraced houses next door to each other- or very near. Then your older DS and one parent could be in one house and the other DCs and the other parent could be next door. Then you as adults can swap which house you’re in and the younger DCs can stay separate. This would also mean that if you could get any help or carers in to give you respite you can spend time together as a couple with the other 2 DCs… might that be the least horrible solution…?

Yes but that will take months to arrange seperate living arrangements, as I have previously said, is something we are looking into.

I think the issue is that you don't currently have evidence. I don't think DS needs to be put in an unsuitable school setting to obtain that evidence though, this is where a good educational psychology report is essential.

I think I linked IPSEA upthread, perhaps give their helpline a call.

Please do. The LA must undertake an educational psychology assessment and also gather evidence from social care and health. (Another reason why it may make sense for you to ask for a social care assessment if one hasn't been undertaken). Difficult to see on what basis the LA officer is advising you there is insufficient evidence, when the assessment to gather it hasn't been undertaken yet. You may also need to consider commissioning independent reports, but there are some tactics to consider about timing.

Do you have a room that could be a playroom for your younger 2? A room that the door can be closed and locked so they can play and watch TV and have snacks. It gives one parent (at a time) some respite too. I appreciate this may not be practical depending on the size and set up of your home.

Do you have a supportive family network? Is there a grandparent’s house where you can spend some time, even at the weekends?

I am aware this isn’t a solution but may give you some temporary safety time while you’re exploring other options.

Best wishes OP, you sound amazing and your children are lucky to have you. While you have to wait is there a better option for your other kids than walking around the supermarket. Very minor suggestion in the big scheme of things, but may make being out of the house easier for you and the younger kids. Child friendly museum or library with free entry? Soft play type place you can buy a monthly or annual access pass to?

I know this isn’t your fault OP but fancy them saying he needs to be excluded from another school?! So they’re happy for other kids to be put in harms way in order to ‘prove’ that he can’t cope in mainstream school? Sounds like a flawed system to me

The EHCP officer said that this means he needs to go back to a mainstream school setting first and be shown that he cannot cope there and be excluded.

This is not true if it has already been shown once. Contact IPSEA to check your rights around EHCPs.
https://www.ipsea.org.uk

SOSSEN are another good source of advice. https://sossen.org.uk

What assessments does the £2k Psychiatrist fee cover? Is it ADHD assessment since this doesn't seem to have been looked into yet? That's about the going rate for a very indepth report and medication recommendations etc.

What do you currently use his DLA money on? HRC/LRC is nearly £10k per year. Plus you'd be eligible for more payments if you happen to be on UC. This is more than enough for regular Psychiatrist appointments, therapies or specialist activities etc.

CAMHS are notoriously awful at dealing with autism and anxiety behaviours. It is important to complain but the point of DLA is also that you can pay for services or equipment your child needs that aren't otherwise available. I'm surprised you're only just looking into private Psychiatrist help now.