Has anyone been blunt and just said what they feel with difficult mil??

[TheFateNdoftheWedge]

I'm just wondering how far people take honesty when you have a difficult relationship? I don't want to appear rude especially modelling to dc but I'm thin on tolerance.

When I first met dh years ago I bit my lip and didn't say anything, but my patience has gone and I find myself saying nothing because I want to read then the riot act. Biting my lip didn't get me anywhere and to be honest I wish I had been honest from the off.

My dh has been treated so badly by them : he has a sister she's allowed any access to their house and a key, my dh has to call before he turns up. Sil is allowed to freely hang out and help herself to anything, dh is very much marshalled and supervised. (when they were younger).

Dh accidently smashed a kitchen tile and scratched a worktop, mil was sobbing saying she can't have nice things with dh around. Obviously dh doesn't feel comfortable there so visits are very rare.
They have critised our house and fil said once "I hope they don't offer me a cup of tea so I don't have to drink it".

On the rare times we see them mil is the martyr, aksing dh to bring the dc over (never just dh, only the dc), it irks me a great deal.

.

They sound unpleasant but I wouldn't tell them what I thought unless I was prepared for the fall out.

I would limit the time I spent with them and would be politely assertive. If they act up eg sobbing over tiles, I'd leave.

I'd have nothing to do with them tbh if I were your dh - and you. No need for any drama or statements just severely cut back on any time with them and fob them off if they ask to see the kids "yeah that would be nice but a bit busy at the moment"

I didn’t , but my husband told them exactly what I thought ( I asked him to ) and they didn’t speak to me for over 20 years , in fact FIL died without ever speaking to me or seeing me . I speak occasionally to my MIL now because she’s over 90 and it’s a help to my husband if I can take her to the odd appointment. My advice would be go for it , it worked very well for us .

I did. My MIL was a walking nightmare to me. She had borderline personality disorder and was a religiously fanatical bigot.
I put up with some bullshit because I knew she was not in her right mind, but she went too far by harassing me over the phone. She would call me up, yell insults and then hang up. This went on for weeks. So I sent her a letter telling her the truth. There were no insults, nothing childish, just the facts of what she had done, and my interpretation of what her actions said about her character. Of course she played the victim about it for awhile, but after that didn't change my position she starting kissing my ass, I suppose because she didn't want another dose of the brutal truth. I think she also started to respect me more because to her it proved I was tougher than her. She liked to be a bully, but was really a wimp who relied on other people being too intimidated to fight back. So sometimes it works, but I imagine that other times it might make things worse.

They have critised our house and fil said once "I hope they don't offer me a cup of tea so I don't have to drink it"

Is there any truth in this? People’s standards differ and I wouldn’t be drinking a cup of tea from a dirty cup or a dirty house tbh. Your DH smashed a tile and damaged a worktop, did he offer to repair the damage? Does he normally accidentally damage things? Perhaps your SIL is more careful and this is why she has a key? I think there’s maybe a backstory here. There’s always 2 sides to a story. You don’t give any other examples of why you “bite your lip”.

Yet another MIL bashing thread and there’s no examples of why you think your MIL is a martyr either. Perhaps examples would help? As I said, there’s always 2 sides to a story.

@HermoinePotter strange comment and it seems your already biased.

We have a dishwasher?
Our cups are very clean as they would be by using a dishwasher.
To be honest I'm not sure about the damage but it wasn't much it was slight and an accident.
Are you suggesting that dc who have accidently damaged some things are not allowed access anymore?

My dc have accidentally damaged and broken many things over the years and I don't bat an eye lid because that's wear tear and accidents.

@XChrome you see that sounds absolutely awful, mine would never continually berate me like that.

Re biting my lip it's over many issues and comments and just a lack of care over myself but also dh.
Different values, they are solely and wholly materialistic it's hugely important to them and when they speak to us it's very much you won't get a nice car unless you do,x, you shouldn't book holidays you need a job that sends you abroad etc. It's putting conversation into a context that's not relevant to us and I feel it undermines us in front of the children ie we are useless.

Mil has degenerated my degree, won't have anyone even the dc talk about my family she instantly gets tense and shoots me nasty glances. The tone in which they address dh is again one of sadness almost because he doesn't have what they consider to be a well paid job. There is no discussion with fil like everyone is adult in the room, if you say.. But I think x be will say arh you see but blah and does it in a very patronising way which again I don't feel comfortable with the dc hearing. He doesn't seem to respect dh and talk to him like an adult whose opinion he wants to hear it all comes back to, if we did x we could have money like them.
They never ever ask dc about holidays they have been on or friends and once when dc mentioned a friend I felt like they were questioning them to assetain the family.
If we do anything nice she seems to be upset about it! If we say we went to x pub (chain very reasonable) she will make us feel bad and say it's expensive.
I don't feel they are interested in dh at all and play nice to see gc but then interact strangely.

Honestly I could have wrote this myself. I was firm from the beginning and still had to put up with loads. They were on occasions down right nasty to me (mil and sil) The only thing that fixed it was my boyfriend putting his foot down. It's all be great since then. I'm happy to continue on peacefully as I love my niece's very very much, if it wasn't for them I would have washed my hands off them years ago

Yes.

it’s actually improved the “operational” elements of her visits and her behaviour overall.

she is still fundamentally not a good person and I will never like her because she was a terrible mother to my DH but things are less tense

Personally I bite my tounge as much as possible. I see it as DH's relationship and I'm there to support him. I have got a bit bolder and if I disagree I'll say so but no I wouldn't ever go nuclear on them.

Ime as an oldie often these favouritisms and biases are things being carried over from the DGPS own childhoods eg perhaps DM had a horrible bullying brother and still feels antagonistic to young men or growing up there was a favoured brother and she is carrying that on unwittingly. So it's hard to fix. I see it in my own family but not to this extent.
Why do you have to deal with them at all - can you just keep your lives separate from them.

Everyone is different.
(We could all have our worst attributes written about and examined and not one of us would be perfect.)

I think it's best to model politeness and kindness to family and friends. Children should grow up with the default being respect to other people. Your kids should be prepared for the fact that no one else's house rules are ever the same as your own.

It does no good to stoop to blunt or rude, out spoken behaviour. It doesn't make us feel better. Behaving to your own set of values and upholding one's dignity, I think, helps maintain self esteem and build resilience. At the end of the day you have to be able to respect yourself. Honest communication is fine, firm boundaries are essential but keep a sense of decorum.

Maybe your husband is clumsier than his sister.
His parents might know this about him

Sounds like this is actually between DH and his mum and as much as it may irk you, no one is going to thank you for wading into the middle of it. How does your DH feel about his relationship with her?

I would say things at the time but not afterwards.

E.g. When DH broke something he should have apologised and when she started saying she can’t have nice things, say that it was an unfair comment and that accidents happen and he’ll replace it etc.

When FIL said about not wanting a cup of tea, I would have openly said that I won’t offer him one if he feels that way and in future he can decline it if offered.

Your DH seems to be treated very unfairly by them but he needs to be the one to stick up for himself and you need to stay out of it.

They probably already see you as ‘less than’ because that’s how they see DH and if you cause trouble then in their messed up minds it will prove their point.

DH needs to back off from them and stop allowing them to treat him so poorly (very difficult when you’ve been raised like this).

Passive aggressiveness will be your friend here. DILs and MILs have been doing it for millennia.

Kids may break things but as an adult if hes broke your mils tile or scratched her counter he should offer to repair it.

I was a grandchild in a fucked up family.
My father AND his father treated me appallingly.
Don't allow this for your kids.
If your husband wants to continue a relationship that really is up to him.

Can you just clarify when you DH broke a tile and scratched the worktop? As a child or an adult? It makes a massive difference if it was a 7 year old and she is holding a massive grudge or an adult who has/had a habit of treating other people’s stuff carelessly. Also how as an occasional visitor do you manage to crack a tile and scratch a worktop?

A made up scenario to illustrate my point, say in his 20s before he met you he was careless and broke/damaged a lot of things but just shrugged them off as not important to him I could see how a later accident would get a bigger response.

I get that you want to model politeness in front of your DC, but IMO you should model standing up for yourself too.

To answer your question yes I’ve been very honest with in law and they won’t be honest with me in return (won’t do me the courtesy of clear communication, won’t put themselves in the uncomfortable position of having a frank, civil conversation, when I have put myself in that position for them) therefore I don’t see them anymore. Obviously not as quick as that, it’s been over a decade to get to that point.

Why would you want people like this in your life?

cut them out now and forever.

you really can choose your relatives or at least choose which ones you out any time and effort into.

they make your husband sad they set a poor example to your children - fuck em.

@OhBeAFineGuyKissMe it was early 20s when he had just returned from uni, at that point no work. She's also been onto the children about her house, dirt how much she loves her house. My dc have never broken anything there.
@Jennaxoxox that makes me feel better thanks! Even if I had said stuff it may not have helped.
@Pat888 she has a sister much younger ironically I have looked at whether her own dm caused this and maybe she did but as a grandma she's absolutely lovely to dh. She seems to be the only truest caring person that actually likes him.
@Wonderi he has definitely tried but they are so incredibly over bearing and dominant. I've never experienced anything like it and my family was full of men who liked to think they were tough and alpha. Fill is a slippery rock you can't get anything over to him.

It’s quite difficult to break a kitchen tile. How did that happen and did he fix it?

@user1492757084 this is my dilemma normally of course I would want to be polite and I usually am to them but where is the cross over point.
@CarrotPencil I agree with that also.

@FrenchandSaunders she called it broken but it's highly shiny one I think he scratched it somehow? She would call that broken because everything has it be 100 pristine. It may have had a hair line crack I'm not sure.

If she were to write a post complaining about you what would she say?

I ask because your post is so (understandably) one sided it’s hard to give a balanced opinion unless you just want people to tell you tell her what a cow she is.

This.

I do think it's quite common for grandparents to ask to see the kids and not just the adults. I think it would be odd otherwise tbh.