Has anyone been blunt and just said what they feel with difficult mil??

[TheFateNdoftheWedge]

I'm just wondering how far people take honesty when you have a difficult relationship? I don't want to appear rude especially modelling to dc but I'm thin on tolerance.

When I first met dh years ago I bit my lip and didn't say anything, but my patience has gone and I find myself saying nothing because I want to read then the riot act. Biting my lip didn't get me anywhere and to be honest I wish I had been honest from the off.

My dh has been treated so badly by them : he has a sister she's allowed any access to their house and a key, my dh has to call before he turns up. Sil is allowed to freely hang out and help herself to anything, dh is very much marshalled and supervised. (when they were younger).

Dh accidently smashed a kitchen tile and scratched a worktop, mil was sobbing saying she can't have nice things with dh around. Obviously dh doesn't feel comfortable there so visits are very rare.
They have critised our house and fil said once "I hope they don't offer me a cup of tea so I don't have to drink it".

On the rare times we see them mil is the martyr, aksing dh to bring the dc over (never just dh, only the dc), it irks me a great deal.

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I adore DP. However, he is a walking disaster zone and I have given up on having nice things. As a result, I can see how a parent would finally start having nicer things, only to have them still damaged as soon as their adult child walks back in - and getting upset over it, especially when it's the more expensive things that are part of the house's fabric/fixtures and fittings.

It's not worth the fall-out. They don't sound that nice so just see them when you have to and be glad your dh has you and the kids

Comes across that your partners family have knocked the confidence out of him regarding broken things , along with their putting him down as well as putting you down , both of you ...RUN..dont look back . Both my husband and I did , is the best thing ever , the peace and quiet is lovely 😍

Is it possible your home is dirty?

Having a dishwasher does not mean your dishes are clean. How often do you wash your dishwasher?

Is it filled with too much clutter?

Maybe he's fussy about his tea? My fil had to have it made a certain way with only so long to brew then a teaspoon of milk and only a china cup....I never made him one

@Azandme you did the right thing and it sounded like you managed to get in quickly.. Yes my in laws being a tight unit does make it harder because neither one challenges the other they both agree.
Unfortunately I've left it too late to challenge and yes I find it extremely difficult to have people around my children who seem to disrespect us so much and tolerate us for the dc.

@BessiePage absolutely they have definitely knocked his confidence

Absolutely not biased at all. Simply giving a different perspective on the situation.

I agree; although people have talked about tiles as if they were not worth troubling over, any action that manages to break one and scratches a worktop does bespeak a pretty careless/ thoughtless person.

Exactly. I’d be furious if one of our adult DC smashed a tile and scratched a worktop and didn’t offer to have it repaired. We’ve all had accidents and things broken/scratched when our children were growing up but I’d expect an adult to take responsibility.

@Josette77 they definitely think it's dirty but that doesn't actually mean that it is.

They have a show home where everything is pristine, dishes immediately in the dishwasher whilst your trying to eat the last morsel sort of thing.
@NeverDropYourMooncup I think there is truth in that, they want things how they want them.

I think the way they keep their house is extreme though and our values are different.
I would never want my dc to feel uncomfortable in our home when older because of some minor in fractions. I wouldn't want my child to feel less important than material things.

Never too late I promise. I removed myself from husband's side , he followed , cos mummy dearest didn't consider that our marriage is strong , I have two children from a former marriage so its slightly different but not really , you see, when my grandchildren appeared then its a very good reason to step away from abusive relatives no matter the side they are on . After all , I'm now grandmother , my mother-in-law was late in the game , plus my husband didn't want children for himself, he just wanted me , being stepdad is as far as he would go .his siblings are parents , I was a young parent so the chance to be grandmother at the same as my mother in law was high , she hated that .I'm 58 , my husband is 53 .

@Nosebandage that comment did make me laugh. Your right about dishwasher in that yes there can be a certain smell if plates haven't been properly cleaned but I've never noticed it for egg 🤢🤢. That will be my new thing.

@needhelpwiththisplease that's absolutely amazing!! I'm in awe of your courage.

@CountFucula hadn't seen them as bullies but perhaps your right.

@TheFateNdoftheWedge i don’t think it’s something everyone can smell, but to me, plates that have had egg on them and then been through the dishwasher smell like wet dog. Sometimes it makes everything else in the dishwasher smell too. We also had a dishwasher at work that I refused to put my cup in because it was kinda funky.

I don't use any common facilties at work.
Maybe what I can smell sometimes then is egg 🤢

My Mil is a narcissist plain as day. From day one every time I’ve seen her she has berated me. Tells me how to parent, talks about my weight etc. most recent one was telling my partner she thought it was wrong I’d spent time in my own garden at my childrens bday party with my friends. I guess I should have sat with her all day. She has zero empathy for anyone and everyone has to be at her beck and call. She even used to call my 18 month old fatty until my partner told her firmly to not do it again. Anyways I’ve bit my tongue constantly and always been pleasant with her. But the past couple of weeks somethings changed and I know if I see her I will lose it so I’ve decided to not be around her anymore. Partner is supportive of this. Unfortunately I can’t straight up tell him I don’t want her around the kids and I’m trusting my partner to assess her behaviour around them. Could you posdibly do the same?

My MIL was the same, photos up around her house of SIL & her family, none of my husband. Passwords on all devices was SIL's name. Money regularly given to SIL & her family. But when she needed anything, help, assistance etc, it was DH she would call. SIL was the favourite one, which had always been obvious to DH. I felt for him, but he had become indifferent to it.

what does ‘degenerated my degree’ mean
what is your degree in (showing interest here)
perhaps you could distance yourself from your inlaws for a while

No, eventually I chose to divorce exH. We were trying for a baby and I suddenly realised how horrible my future would look like with exMIL in my life who was a demented manipulator and I chose get out of it. Yes, exH was part of the problem but she was his mother. I'd have to put up with her for the rest of my life.

I found a new DH with a functional family. No regrets.

'Degenerated my degree?' What does that mean?

Don’t invite them round and don’t visit them.

Sorry rewriting as I've seen the update.

It sounds like they're full of unsolicited advice and not supportive.

I don't see the point in drama. I'd set some clear boundaries like if they start discussing someone's career I'd say, we're not looking for advice on that right now thank you. So how was your holiday? Repeat such lines firmly, don't get into details and start defending your degree etc. You can even turn it round - so, what about you, are you changing career? I've heard there are great opportunities to become x related random thing these days, pays so well.

Who holds a grudge and asks for repairs money for an accidental chip on a tile? It’s wear and tear.
Mil will have damaged something herself in her life I’m sure. Unless it’s deliberate or he is hopelessly clumsy/stupid then there is no issue.

Say nothing and avoid any contact.

Change the locks, don't tell sister in law and see what happens