Has anyone been blunt and just said what they feel with difficult mil??

[TheFateNdoftheWedge]

I'm just wondering how far people take honesty when you have a difficult relationship? I don't want to appear rude especially modelling to dc but I'm thin on tolerance.

When I first met dh years ago I bit my lip and didn't say anything, but my patience has gone and I find myself saying nothing because I want to read then the riot act. Biting my lip didn't get me anywhere and to be honest I wish I had been honest from the off.

My dh has been treated so badly by them : he has a sister she's allowed any access to their house and a key, my dh has to call before he turns up. Sil is allowed to freely hang out and help herself to anything, dh is very much marshalled and supervised. (when they were younger).

Dh accidently smashed a kitchen tile and scratched a worktop, mil was sobbing saying she can't have nice things with dh around. Obviously dh doesn't feel comfortable there so visits are very rare.
They have critised our house and fil said once "I hope they don't offer me a cup of tea so I don't have to drink it".

On the rare times we see them mil is the martyr, aksing dh to bring the dc over (never just dh, only the dc), it irks me a great deal.

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@BananaSpanner. Of course it's one sided, every post is.
She and fil definitely don't like me and they don't seem to like dh much! With dc it's all about their accomplishments I think that makes them feel good esp older dd she is doing exceptionally well.
Mil will say I've taken away her darling boy who she actually doesn't 't seem to like much. She would say we don't follow what she wants us to do eg our house is full of what she would call clutter.
We are not as clean as her and our poor dc who don't get to grow up in wealth like dh. She would say she does every thing she can for us cooking etc even though we arn' t her kind of level of people.

Unless you were around while he was growing up you will not really know how your DH was then - and maybe this is why they treat him differently to his sister.
If you can't discuss this with his parents, losing your cool with them will not help matters and may cause permanent damage to his and your relationship with his parents.

They sound like insufferable snobs, and because DH, and by extension, you, don't fit into their snobbish ideas of what is "good" and therefore worthy, they are dismissive, and denigrate the things you have and do.

I had an overbearing MIL, and a DH who had been neglected and belittled his whole life. I took zero crap from this woman who was feared far and wide.

The outcome? She started grudgingly respecting me, she ended up loving me, and sought my advice on all sorts over the years. I wasn't her biggest fan and could never reconcile how she treated DH but her treatment of him also improved over time too as he started also standing up for himself and demanding respect. By the time dd was born they had a much improved relationship and she was a much better grandmother than mother. She grew on me, and I was sad when she died, but still aware of who she had been.

My MIL was a powerhouse of a matriarch who had never been challenged. FIL is a kind but ineffective man, and I'm also a very strong person so it was essentially a battle between a woman who dominated everyone, and a woman who refuses to be dominated by anyone.

Your situation sounds very different, in that it's both of them, and their joint entrenched beliefs. I wouldn't bother having it out with them, I'd accept that they are snobs, and narrow minded, and have as little to do with them as possible. There is no way I'd expose my children to people who look down on their parents. Let them fester in their pristine show home.

Yep! Best thing I did as I now have nothing to do with the witch. 7/8 years of putting up with it was enough for me. I didn't care about how she treated me, but how she treated my children (compared to other grandchildren) was the catalyst. I also saw how her behaviour hurt my OH and how he'd never dare say anything to her. Fortunately one of us grew a backbone.
Whether this is a good or bad thing, in day to day life I'm not a little wallflower who bites her tongue and doesn't call people out. That being said, I did give her chance after chance and didn't give both barrels as fast as I should have - that fire was building up inside me for quite a while. I spoke up "gently" several times in those 7 years.

I hope to never see her again. It's up to my children when they are older if they want to - but right now I'm their advocate and I saw the damage she was doing, so they don't see her either. Nor does my OH, but I think if she needed him he'd be there (without my blessing). He has a great relationship with his dad - he is the complete opposite of MIL.

I’m not sure actually - some things you are definitely not unreasonable on, others … hmmm. without seeing the damage it is hard to know but if someone smashed a tile and chipped my kitchen worktop I’d have a hard time being gracious about it.

your dishwasher comment amuses me - no, having a dishwasher does not mean your cups are clean. It very much depends on how clean your dishwasher is. I have a couple of lovely friends whose dishwashers are not clean. And it also depends on the detergent, and cycle used. This is very apparent to me as someone who doesn’t take milk in tea (especially for drinking tea from
mugs which may have had milky dregs sitting in them). I appreciate this makes me sound like a mad person (I can also smell if a plate has been used to serve egg and then been through the dishwasher). But it’s possible that he’s also sensitive to these things. That said, this doesn’t excuse rudeness and I would be mortified if I thought my friend knew I thought her cups were unclean.

as for your in-laws, it’s tough. I was firm with mine but now we have a very distant relationship.

They sound like bullies. Nasty, undermining, micro aggressions and using meanness dressed up as concern. Classic bullies.
only way to deal with bullies is to address it. Put light on it. If it’s a comment about things like holidays or undermining DHs job say, “don’t you think DH has a good job then,MIL?” if it’s about cups of tea say, “do you feel our house isn’t clean, FIL?” just be as open as possible. Bullies love secret codes and snide communication AIR IT ALL. They will either stop or avoid you. Perfect.

Many moons ago, mil was at our house being her usual, awful self.
This day I had just had enough and jumped up and shouted " Get out! Take your Evelyn tongue and get out of my house "
She replied " half of it , is owned by her son and she would not leave "
I replied " that unfortunately for her, he owes the upstairs so she could just get her coat and fuck off"
Not my finest moment!
But we have never had a problem with her since

** it was early 20s when he had just returned from uni, at that point no work. She's also been onto the children about her house, dirt how much she loves her house. My dc have never broken anything there.

I can’t believe you are holding this over her. I tell my dc off for not respecting my house, if they are careless then yes of course they should be told to be more careful. My oldest is terrible for leaving his stuff lying around and breaking things. He needs to to be told because one day he will be an adult and needs to learn to look after himself and understand the value of things. I’m sure sometimes he feels aggrieved and picked on as teens often do.

Sounds to me you just don’t like her.

I would say stop biting your lip and start being politely assertive rather than blowing up.

Yes, she was complaining how little they saw us and the kids and I said "MIL we would see you more if you were nicer to us" and just carried on doing whatever it was that I was doing. I was just bored of hearing it all by that point frankly.

I don't see mine, or very rarely and put down some firm boundaries after realising mil behaviours were inappropriate. Also important to role model that it's OK to boundary, self compassion and looking after yourself/ wellbeing not allowing people to manipulate etc. I no longer wished to enable. Its been about 4 years and I've never looked back.

I did absolutely lose my shit at my ex MIL and it didnt end well. Best just to keep your distance.

Where's there's a difficult MIL there's usually a difficult DIL

How do you accidentally break a kitchen tile and scratch worktop?

Also, I wouldn’t drink or eat in a dirty house. I know house becomes untidy with kids around, but that’s not the same as leaving the house dirty.

Tell us the backstory OP.

It sounds like there is a history with far more too it.

They don't trust him, their reaction to what you say is an 'accident' (HOW do you scratch a worktop and smash a tile? in my whole life I have never managed that and I'm disabled and exceptionally clumsy) is telling so there WILL be reasons why.

Just because someones family doesn't mean they have 'rights' to your house. Children live in your house (albeit with rules) but adults have no automatic rights especially if they no longer follow rules. I have had to ban family from my house as they where entitled and had no basic boundaries/respect. I have zero regrets over protecting my space and having boundaries.

I would ask her what her problem is. Have an honest conversation with her and tell her how you both feel. If it's a blow out. Go NC

To keep referring to an accident from years ago is not good. And assuming this isn’t a pattern of behaviour from your DH (either in the past or now) or being dismissive if something got broken it is a massive over reaction.

Just reduce contact and see less off them.

Remove them from your lives entirely OP. Both of you. All of you. Get them gone. It's lovely in the light and peace that you would feel if you dumped these ghastly folk.

I think some parents feel they have a right to be boss of their dc even when dc are adults.
My df thinks that he can tell me what to do because he's my dad. He's 93!
I told him
I may be your dc but I'm not a dc and I'll make my own decisions.

As a parent of adult dc myself I take the attitude that if i raised my dc well then I should trust them to adult well and if I'm not paying their mortgage then their homes are not my business.

Your inlaws feel they have a right to rule you, they dont.
As for fil I would give him a brew whether he asked or not just to wind him up.

Very similar dynamic with my IL's. DIL is in her 30's. PIL have always thought the sun shines out of her arse so she's never really grown up and still acts like a pampered princess. They're practically 2nd parents to her kids but make minimal effort with my dd. The straw that broke the camel's back though was when they all did something that almost destroyed mine and my DH and DD's life and showed zero remorse. In fact they turned it round to being all my fault and being more concerned about how it affected SIL (it didn't really affect her in fact she was a big part of the problem)

Just explain clearly to your DH how you feel so he understands how you're behaving then leave contact up to him. Be civil but don't instigate any contact or anything affectionate. Grey-rock responses to anything they say/do that's inflammatory. The most valid and appropriate response to anyone who makes it obvious that they don't give a shit about you is exactly the same response back. Who gives a shit if they share blood with your partner. You didn't choose them and they aren't your problem.

I fell put with my husband's very rich aunt. He's parents died when he was young, he's an only child. Aunt only ever talked about herself, her hardships and money, constantly throwing the fact she had money in our face and everyone wanted it from her. I was sick to death of her bull. We never hinted or wanted her money, I'd rather have nothing than go to her. I told her straight that I wasn't interested in her money and the conversation went downhill quickly. We have spoken once in years. Thanked her for birthday money foe our children and that's it. I won't be bullied nor spoken down to by anyone nor will anyone witter on about how rich they are, play family sides and lie. Nobody else dare say anything because their 2 faced. Money or no money, if they're horrid, they're horrid.

I recently did this to a vile SIL. I have kept quiet for about 15 years while she bullied, gaslighted and dominated everything in DH's family. She finally poked me one too many times and I told her exactly what I thought of her. The silence since has been wonderful. No doubt she is bitching about me to anyone that will listen, but at least I no longer have to deal with her. So, my advice would be to go for it!!

They sound very much like my parents. They treat me like an embarrassment and my junkie, alcoholic brother like a prince among men. I have given up hope of ever understanding why and if it can be fixed.

I know it hurts, OP. You have one life and if they are too miserable to accept a cup of tea, then don't give them one. Once you stop trying with them they will begin to attempt to change the narrative to something like you are depriving them of their grandchildren. Ignore that too. Your family has been open to them and they were too stuck up to enjoy it. Fuck em.

I've never said anything and I couldn't tbh.

Only once it exploded. She was being awful to me, I went to the loo to cry then i shouted "I can't wait to leave."

She shouted back 'the sooner the better'

I shouted back "fuck off".

It was pretty disastrous then I walked 6 miles to the train station and took a 5 hour train home, cursing my dh all the way for not sticking up for me.

Op, she has dementia now and I see her with dh. It's sad, but I think he now sees what she was like to me.

At least your dh is an ally of yours and not hers.