Facebook DLA group feels uncomfortable

[Furrzu]

My son has additional needs and I am in the process of applying for DLA. I have very little money and would be grateful for anything extra. I'd use it to make a sensory space at home for him, some clubs and for anything else that would help him. We've had a sensory profile done and there's a long list!

I joined a DLA Facebook group that has close to 150k people in it. Honestly, it's very uncomfortable. People posting about whether it's OK for them to use their backdated pay for a family trip to Disney. People going to tribunal to get high rate mobility because their child has flat feet and has to wear insoles but they're worried their child won't get it because they play football, so advised by others to omit this fact. Whether they can save the DLA and ask for UC to not class this as savings as they're saving it for their child for uni.

It's actually made me quite angry but not sure if I am BU. I only wanted advice on filling in the form as it is long and daunting!

So, AIBU? Is this a widespread issue?

I know, I should probably mind my business...

Thats nonsense ,as it can be spent on anything at all that benefits the recipient.

If he's spending it on bills ,etc that's fine as your son lives there and it benefits him living in a comfortable home, it csn be spent on anything at all that benefits the child.

I see, but he may have a different idea of what he feels benefits your Son. This is where you, and him have a conversation going forward. But he is not committing fraud, from what you have written here, which seems to be at the heart of your misgivings.

And ??? So does my husband and the DLA also goes into the family pot he's doing nothing wrong.

As the resident parent he cansoend it on what he wants ,it's not fraud

This. HRM is incredibly hard to get.

sorry to be flippant but if it would be easy to look after your DS, you would do it yourself. In the end, he is looking after him, feeding him, housing him. Not everybody with a child on DLA has equivalent extra costs. You sound jealous.

Ok so even though Ex-H is able to work full time and has no additional expenses incurred by DS’s disability, he doesn’t have to spend any of DS’s award on DS himself?

He doesn’t have to spend any of it on anything that directly relates to support of DS with regards to his disability?

He’s allowed to claim this money on DS’s behalf and just treat it as extra income?

He is spending on him he pays the bills ,his food ,his clothes ?
What do you contribute ?

But how does having this extra income NOT benefit the disabled child?! Why are you so angry?

Who pays for housing, clothes, food etc? What do you pay? I would be grateful to have an ex-partner who takes on the caring role for my disabled child. I don't understand why you are so fixated on money. he looks after his DS. Get some help, what an odd post.

Are you serious? I said I had a mental health crisis and needed to move in with family in order to recover. And that I’m unable to afford to move back to the area in order to have my children live with me again.

This was a devastating experience that I did not choose to go through. I have not chosen to live apart from my children of my own volition.

I am extremely concerned about my children’s father’s failure to meet their needs, in many different ways. I am not “jealous”, I’m worried and frustrated and angry. And I feel helpless at my inability to make this right for my children.

How is he not meeting their needs and again what do you contribute?

then contact social services if you are genuinely worried. but your posts all just talked about the money that comes with DLA 🤔

@PrettyCamel It seems off to complain that he's having to use your DS' DLA for general funds when he "only" gets XYZ, which I note doesn't appear to include any child maintenance from you.

If the genders were reversed and a man was complaining about what his wife was spending the DS' DLA on whilst himself providing no funding for DS, he'd be absolutely torn to bits.

@PrettyCamel what do you contribute? How much child maintenance do you pay? How often do you have DS?

Yep he would be slaughtered.

The form asks about hobbies and interests that the child has, both at home and away from home, and the support the child needs to participate. It gives an example of swimming lessons.
if a parent was applying for DLA for a mobility related physical condition such as flat feet, and they omitted to say that their child played in a standard football team for their age group for two hours every week with no support required other than wearing insoles, this would be misleading of them.
if their child took part in this activity with additional support (ie limited time on pitch, seats provided between games, specialist shoes or other aids, a special team for children with mobility needs, higher staff ratios etc etc) they need to say so. otherwise it is lying by omission.

You have to be careful with what words you use.

When I described how I had to wedge/lock my elbows into the sink to enable me to stand up long enough for my husband to wash my hair for me, the assessor used it to say I have excellent upper body strength hence I could cook and clean perfectly fine, even though I can't stand up long enough to do so and can't bend without losing consciousness. The ability they, the ones who are actual cunts, have to twist your words is fucking remarkable. He said I have no mental problems at all, so no points, 100% tickety-boo because I managed to complete the assessment phone call, that I was forced to make, despite the fact I was on antidepressants and has been referred to mental health for therapy. If it hadn't been for medical records that showed how my internal organs had decided to go bugger up en masse, and assistance with the form from a support worker, I think I would have got a big fat fuck all. That was PIP for me though. I suspect it's not that different for DLA though. The sad truth is a lying system abuser often has a better chance than a genuine claimant because they have none of the guilt and self-doubt which often accompanies disability. As someone further up says, genuine people have a tendency to underplayed their circumstances because you can feel so pathetic in admitting how bad shit really is. It's hard to tell a stranger you sometimes shit and piss yourself because you can't get to the toilet quick enough or your meds cause you to go in your pants. Really hard. It's so fucking embarrassing. You think they might just think you are lazy and are making shit up, when the oppositevis true.

I would really like to read a thread titled "AMA I gamed the PIP system". Ridiculous, I know. But I would be interested to know how people supposedly manage to do this, with no medical evidence etc.

The form asks for an example of an activity the child does or would want to do. It doesn't expect you to fill in every activity the child does or potentially might like to do. They're not lying by omission - unless I'm lying by omission by not putting down that my DD likes to spend hours on her phone while eating pringles and can do this with no disability aids?

My posts on this thread have been responded to with hostility and scorn. I doubt that the tone would be very different if I was a guy.

For anyone who’s asked, I’m on an extremely low income. My children don’t live with me because I’ve been very unwell following a mental breakdown.

They’re with me 2 weekends out of every 3 and during the holidays and half terms. I pay for their food and other expenses when they’re with me. I don’t pay maintenance because I have virtually no money to do so with.

These living arrangements are not through choice. They’ve come about because of some devastating life events. I would much prefer to be caring for my children full time and these circumstances are painful beyond belief.

Someone said i should report him to social services if he’s neglectful. We have already been through the family court. His abuse of me (backed up by police evidence), his mistreatment of the children and his drug and alcohol addiction were all brushed off. He comes across as charming and likeable and that goes a long way.

I’ll leave the thread now. The responses have been useful in that they’ve confirmed that DLA doesn’t need to be spent specifically on the person who it’s been awarded to. It doesn’t need to go on anything that is relevant to their disability. And this applies even if there are no extra living costs incurred by their condition.

Good to know.

For what it’s worth, Ex-H has never had the slightest interest in DS’s autism and the difficulties that go with it. He has never bothered to learn anything about autism. He insisted that DS was neurotypical for years and said I was looking for problems that didn’t exist. He doesn’t understand DS’s vulnerabilities, cannot empathise and doesn’t protect him. This is why I’ve found his refusal to contribute to anything that supports DS so upsetting.

@LadyKenya Just because you're not gaming the system doesn't mean it can't happen. The example I know of is also gaming the system where relatives cannot be paid to care. Full time job, night time uplift, all of it complete rubbish. If you know how the system works because you're in the system, you have a vantage point from which to game it if you're that way inclined.

That all sounds very difficult@PrettyCamel . The thing is that there are no checks on what the money is spent on. We all know that the recipient of the award should benefit, whether the money goes in the family pot, or is earmarked specifically for disability expenses. It is down to the discretion of the carer in some cases what they choose to do with the funds. I hope that you have not found the comments too upsetting, and things improve for you.

But this has already been said before, that there has to be some record/ school extra input etc. Anybody in theory could say anything, if so inclined. There has to be some medical evidence is what I am stating, to go alongside what is being written down on the forms. They do not, in my experience, just take your word for it.