Undermined or is it just me?

[Rosesanddaffs]

Hi all

we have a 3.5 year old, who just doesn’t listen. Whenever she doesn’t want to do something like me doing her hair, she screams and shouts for her Dad.

This morning she didn’t want me to dress her so she started kicking up a fuss and calling for him, I asked her what was wrong and she kept wailing and calling down the stairs to him.

I know it’s silly but I almost feel like she’s trying to get me into trouble with him.

When I discipline her (stern voice) I can see him giving me disapproving/filthy looks.

I have pulled him up on this several times, he said he doesn’t agree with the way I speak to her, but what he doesn’t realise is I am at the end of my tether, everything is such hardwork.

I admit I have raised my voice at her a few times, I’m not proud of it but I feel like he doesn’t discipline and just wants to be the fun dad.

If I say no to something she just goes and asks him and he says yes! I feel like I’m constantly undermined and if I lose my temper he tells me I’m ruining their day.

What do I do? how do you discipline a 3.5 year old? X

If I say no to something she just goes and asks him and he says yes!

This is your problem, not your child.

Does he just let her not get dressed then?

Of course she is going to run to the parent who just gives in every time.

Yeah this.

Although the only thing I’d add is to consider are you maybe saying no too much, to things that don’t actually require a no?

There has been research and studies done about parents using “no” too often, it starts a battle and shuts things down, and those studies advise saving “no” for things that really need it & using other phrases instead.

So as an example if she’s asking to do some colouring in but you’re about to leave the house for the food shop, rather than saying no you could say “I know you love colouring in, we can do some together once we’ve been to the shops”. You have still essentially said no, but you haven’t, and it can help avoid the battles.

If you’re saying no but then dad is saying yes then it seems like at least some of your no’s could be yes’s, or laters etc, so might be worth thinking about?

Yes if she basically says she wants to stay in her top and knickers, he lets her, if it’s a nursery day then obviously she has to get ready.

I just feel like whatever I do, I’m always going to look like the bad parent to her.

in the case of you, say, brushing her hair, and she calls for dad: he can permanently take over hair brushing. etc

In the case of you saying "no" then she goes to him and gets a "yes" you both need to discuss how to approach her questions.

"Can i have some crisps" "no, it's nearly dinner time" is easy, and you both need to be on board with that

Other things? you need to develop a firm line and a strategy (and also see if you are saying no all the time, and why that is)

but if she wants to stay in top and knickers and it's a nursery day, surely he's not saying "yes"? and if he does, then he takes her to nursery and handles the fall-out from that.

I say no to extra chocolate as she then feels sick, no to going out without tights in the cold, no to jumping on furniture as she will fall in the hard floor and cause a head injury.

I know I have to pick my battles but I think she knows we don’t show a united front.

I was raised back in the day when hitting was allowed, I’m not saying I want to hit her or will but I can see why my parents disciplined us that way.

No he’s dressing her for nursery days, he sees it as so what if she just wants to wear a top and knickers at home.

My main issue with that is when we have delivery people at the door, she wants to say hello, I don’t want people seeing her just in her knickers. I’ve tried explaining this to her and told her she can’t go to the door if she’s not dressed.

Honestly don't see a problem with pants and vest at 3. How is this different to wearing a swimming costume?
It's quite worrying what you said about hitting. You do sound a bit like you are overly strict.

Could you phrase it differently sometimes? You do need to be on the same page as your partner though to avoid the one saying yes while the other says no though.

So rather than “no you can’t have anymore chocolate tonight” it could be “Chocolate is yummy isn’t it, you can have some more tomorrow after lunch”.

Rather than “no you can’t play on furniture” could it be “lets play X together” or “let me help you and we can do it safely”.

Tights in the cold, take them with you and as soon as she realises it’s cold outside and she needs them you can just pop them on. Avoids the battle and you get the outcome you wanted anyway. Then you have the lesson for next time as a reminder.

Ultimately though you both need to be on the same page because otherwise it doesn’t really matter what you say, if he will say yes it’s all pointless.

Oh dear this isn't the child's problem it's the parents. You need to have a sit and good chat and be on the same page or it's going to get worse and worse. Our youngest 3 are 3 and under and also with our olders we discipline and support the other on it wether we agree or not as everyone speaks and disciplines in different ways. We also speak about it behind closed doors occasionally as to how we can do better for one or more of them

so she says she wants chocolate and you know it will make her feel sick so you say no. and dad says yes. He handles the fall out. All of it. Including if/when she actually throws up hopefully on him

He says yes to going out without tights in the cold: he takes her out in the cold without tights (it won't literally kill her). If he is clever he will put her tights in his pocket. If you are going with them you put them in your bag. Then when her legs are blue: he can say, "look silly, you need to wear tights when you go out in the cold, mummy knows that" and you get them out and she puts them on

jumping on the hard floor: you look him firmly in the eye and point out the liklihood of a head injury. And make him say no.

You really really need to get him on board with this,but you also need to know when to let him get the fallout.

What i saw a lot when our DC were small and lots of our friends were in the same boat was that one was "the fun parent" who always said yes and the other was the meanie who always insisted on the sensible stuff (yes, fun parent was often the dad, but not always)

And the way a lot of the yes/no issues were solved were in letting "yes" parent fail where it caused no real harm to the child. So yes tights out in the cold, and mum can hand them other when child and fun parent says "brrr it's cold" etc etc

And every time, later when the child is elsewhere, you have a discussion about why things happened the way they did. And sometimes it requires one parent to unclench a little and let the other parent do things a different way.

vest and knickers are fine in the summer, not in the winter, surely that’s just common sense!

I wouldn’t hit her, I’m just saying my parents used that as a method of discipline.

Thanks for your input but I can’t see you giving me any constructive advice like the other posters have done.

what do you think would happen if you let her stay in vest and pants?

Thanks to all the others for your input, re the tights, I have tried this and the neighbours have asked me and not her dad when we are outside why she isn’t wearing tights, isn’t she cold etc etc and if I say she won’t wear them they give me a disapproving look.

I just can’t win!

Well she freezes, her whole body is frozen and yet she claims she isn’t cold.

I dunno, it does seem like a middle ground is the answer here. While he shouldn’t say yes to something right after you say no getting pent up about her wanting to stay in her top and pants at home in case the door goes is just causing unnecessary dramas. With a 3 year old the most effective thing isn’t really “discipline” but distraction.

It sounds pretty extreme to me that you’ve jumped to “I can see why my parents hit” and actually maybe you’re much stricter than you admit and your DH is justified in not liking how you speak to DD. Even thinking that hitting a 3 year old will be effective because she resists you telling her to wear tights is nuts.

I wouldn’t even let this come into your decision making, who cares what they think?

I have elderly neighbours on both sides and they are both very much the type who think it’s a mothers job to ensure the child is dressed appropriately for the weather.

Even if I’m not out there with them, I can hear them saying “hasn’t mummy not given you a coat today”

Im digressing, but I feel the whole dressing her is all on me.

and so you say: he dressed her, ask him.

deflect, deflect, deflect.

You probably also need to grow a thicker skin - who cares what other people think?

That’s fine though, it really doesn’t matter. My MIL likes to make these comments, she would have my baby in a winter fleecy coat just to walk then 2 meters from the front door to the car where I’d then have to take it all off again to put in her car seat. Smile & ignore- your child, not their business.

So your husband does her hair, dresses her, bathes her? If he's physically in the building and she wants him then just give her to him.
If a kid cried for their mum nobody would bat an eyelid, and the dad would just say fine, go to mum then.
As long as he knows he will be doing whatever task it is at hand, not just playing and messing about. He needs to parent and you need to delegate.

and you do the MN tinkly laugh and "oh DD, they are so old fashioned they think your dad didn't dress you warmly enough. Silly daddy, silly neighbours" or whatever

So she gets cold? She is not going to die inside your home of being cold. Nothing is going to happen to her. She will insist she's not cold unless you are strategic about this. Put out her clothes, she runs around in vest and pants - you let her work out where her clothes are and do not mention it at all. Not a word.

You will get too stressed and uptight about everything if you carry on like this. Save your worry for the real issues that crop up with small kids.

And definitely work out a strategy with your DH.

I think you are right, I feel very uptight and I can see it getting worse if I don’t stop

honestly, OP, i feel your pain. I was so worried with DD1 i really didn't enjoy it at all. But you are her mum, and you know what you are doing. You will be fine, really.

And (first child?) really really do get dad to take over when she asks for him. Just "here you are, dear, you do it" then leave the room. Let him learn from his mistakes. In a few years you'll look back and wonder why you worried.