Undermined or is it just me?

[Rosesanddaffs]

Hi all

we have a 3.5 year old, who just doesn’t listen. Whenever she doesn’t want to do something like me doing her hair, she screams and shouts for her Dad.

This morning she didn’t want me to dress her so she started kicking up a fuss and calling for him, I asked her what was wrong and she kept wailing and calling down the stairs to him.

I know it’s silly but I almost feel like she’s trying to get me into trouble with him.

When I discipline her (stern voice) I can see him giving me disapproving/filthy looks.

I have pulled him up on this several times, he said he doesn’t agree with the way I speak to her, but what he doesn’t realise is I am at the end of my tether, everything is such hardwork.

I admit I have raised my voice at her a few times, I’m not proud of it but I feel like he doesn’t discipline and just wants to be the fun dad.

If I say no to something she just goes and asks him and he says yes! I feel like I’m constantly undermined and if I lose my temper he tells me I’m ruining their day.

What do I do? how do you discipline a 3.5 year old? X

I spent the whole winter carrying my DD 3's beautiful warm winter coat while she was blue with cold in the windswept playground while we waited for her tardy DB.
She had so little control over her life that I gave her as much freedom as I could.
Same with tights, sweaters and so on.

you are making a rod for your own back by capitulating to the nonsense that you both go to her classes. He needs to spend time with her alone making his own decisions and mistakes.

Nip that right in the bud.

Dad takes her to one class, you have time for you. If there’s multiple classes, swap over. You both definitely don’t need to go! Unless you really enjoy them? He needs to get her ready and out the door on time with everything they need without you helping at all for him to get that it’s hard and you need to work together and be on the same side!

Yes you are right, he can’t manage to get everything together like snacks, water etc without my interference. I’ve shown him where her snack bag is but it falls on deaf ears, I’m told by friends it’s a man thing!

Taking turns is a good idea, he complains he doesn’t get time with her like I do but when it comes to it he doesn’t take the opportunity at the weekends.

Are you being too controlling? If you aren't going out why not just let her stay in pants and vest. She will change her mind if she gets cold.
Three year olds are extremely difficult. I think it's the worst age. Because they are becoming independent and want to have more control over themselves but they are still very young ajdncant control their emotions and they want to do some silly things.
I would try and let her do more for herself and pick your battles. Some things really don't matter.

Just ignore the neighbours it's not their business..

I think the point is that rather than emphasis the no, you make a positive of it. I want more chocolate. Well I don't want you to have a tummy ache from too much chocolate so we will save the rest of the chocolate until another day. I want to go out without tights. I want your legs to be nice and warm, so will you wear tights or leggings? Do this (other fun thing) instead of jumping there because I don't want you to hurt your head. Its not about never preventing anything it's more about softening language around the everyday battles, so that when you do need a hard no, running in the road for example, it has more impact because its not a constant refrain.

You seem very rigid in your thinking op. You've said you don't have a good relationship with your mum because she's very critical. Often we have to work hard at not parenting the way we were parented, because that's all we know.

You definitely need to learn to not sweat the small stuff and pick your battles but I also suspect it's not just your rules but also your delivery. You've said DH doesn't like the way you speak to DD sometimes. Can you have an honest look at your interactions with DD and say if they are kind and loving? You can enforce rules in a gentle way. She's 3 after all.

You could just withdraw from the argument about dressing, go downstairs, and leave her to it. If you take the fun out of being defiant, she won't get the huge satisfaction of getting her own way. Don't take her out without tights, either. If she won't wear them, you don't go.

Not being able to get snacks and water isn't " a man thing". My husband is a fully functioning adult who can get 3 kids out of the house with everything they need with no problems.
Yours sounds lazy and just expects you to pick up the slack.

No if I were an outsider looking in, I can see when my patience is running low I am not kind and loving, that’s because I’ve done the whole softly softly nice approach begging her to get out of bed etc

When I raise my voice she does seem to listen, but it’s not the type of mum I want to be, I don’t want to be the shouty mum

It’s like this morning, she kicked me, I asked her to stop or there would be no tv and she did it again, so I told her no tv and her meltdown started

I didn’t shout, I spoke calmly but it’s knowing how to remain calm

See, for me violence is a serious hard no moment. I wouldn't ask a child not to kick me. If they did then I'd be straight down to look them in the eye with my most serious face on and say 'You do not kick mummy. You do not kick anybody' repeating as necessary. I'd be very stern about it, and if they found that a little scary, in the context of a secure loving relationship, so be it. Some things I think you have to start firm and start young. Their own safety being one, not hurting other people or animals is another.

Yes you are right, he can’t manage to get everything together like snacks, water etc without my interference. I’ve shown him where her snack bag is but it falls on deaf ears, I’m told by friends it’s a man thing!

Let. Him. Fail.

It is NOT a man thing. Or no men would manage. My DH took 18 months parental leave and he was way more organised than i ever was, with zero input from me

It is a lazy man thing.

Sounds to me like you need to leave him alone to manage for a few weekends/full days.

He's not doing enough then, is he? Why do you both have to take her to classes - find an unbreakable excuse to not go one week, and make him take her. And then be out for the rest of the day when they get home.

It would be lovely if OP could go away for a night and come back to find the shopping done and the house all in order.
I suspect what would happen is that he would order a takeaway, leave the kitchen and living room a mess, not brush DC hair, let her watch TV for hours, and then say all was fine, see looking after DC is easy so why does OP make such hard work of it?

OP - going into the office once a week is not really a good test of his parenting skills, because you are still there morning and evening. He basically only has to worry about lunch.

The only solution is lots of talking to DH, having that conversation in the evening every time he undermines you, and definitely don't go with him every time he goes out of the house with DD.

It’s not a man thing. It’s a lazy man thing. What is the worst possible thing that can happen if you don’t interfere next time? He forgets the snacks or the water bottle or a change of clothes. So what? Your DD will survive and hopefully he will learn the lesson and won’t make the same mistake the following time. It sounds like he is being a bit sneaky and relying on you being there to sort things out but honestly, he is a grown up man that is able to get out of the house and go to work every day so he can handle a 3 year old class on his own. He needs to learn where things are and what stuff to carry in the bag as he is her father and it’s his job, full stop. Just take the morning to yourself next time and leave him to it.
And just relax about the clothes at home, it sounds a bit too unreasonable tbh.
You do both have to agree on the important things though and be aligned (i.e danger, eating too much junk etc).
Also screaming and punishing is never a good way to “discipline” anyone, let alone a 3 year old.

He is undermining you.
Beware of that.
He can't have it both ways.
Insist on splitting the activities so that he gets one on one time with her.
Do not allow him to i sist you come.
Just refuse to.
Let him deal with her.
It will give you a much needed break from her and him.
She knows well the divide and conquer rule!

Oh I was thinking of longer than overnight. At least 48 hours more like.