Undermined or is it just me?

[Rosesanddaffs]

Hi all

we have a 3.5 year old, who just doesn’t listen. Whenever she doesn’t want to do something like me doing her hair, she screams and shouts for her Dad.

This morning she didn’t want me to dress her so she started kicking up a fuss and calling for him, I asked her what was wrong and she kept wailing and calling down the stairs to him.

I know it’s silly but I almost feel like she’s trying to get me into trouble with him.

When I discipline her (stern voice) I can see him giving me disapproving/filthy looks.

I have pulled him up on this several times, he said he doesn’t agree with the way I speak to her, but what he doesn’t realise is I am at the end of my tether, everything is such hardwork.

I admit I have raised my voice at her a few times, I’m not proud of it but I feel like he doesn’t discipline and just wants to be the fun dad.

If I say no to something she just goes and asks him and he says yes! I feel like I’m constantly undermined and if I lose my temper he tells me I’m ruining their day.

What do I do? how do you discipline a 3.5 year old? X

Yes this is my first child and only! Thank you for your advice

I'm a great believer in actions and consequences eg wear vest and pants in the house, or no jacket outside? She gets cold. No need to say "told you so", just have some clean clothes handy, or accept that, if you're out and about, then she may get a bit cold and uncomfortable until you get home. This is how people learn

I find it worrying that you say you now understand why your parents hit you. My own reaction was the complete opposite. As a parent myself, I became even more horrified that people felt smacking was appropriate. I just can't imagine ever doing that

I think that, for things that happen regularly (like not dressing appropriately, eating too much chocolate etc) you and your DH need to have an agreed position. It might require require both of you to reach a compromise, or for one of you to agree with the other, but in reaching the decision you do need to bear in mind any knock on effects and who has to deal with that (eg. not putting tights on means you have to remember to carry them with you, have to find somewhere to put them on her without getting her feet wet, have to put up with comments from neighbours etc). If your DH is adamant that you should allow her to do something that you can see will cause problems later, he needs to be prepared to be around to deal with the consequences. If he won't or can't do that, he needs to very clearly and consistently back your decision.
I found that one of my DC really needed completely consistent rules- any 'one off' deviation from the rule made it really hard when next time I had to say 'no'. For example, he didn't like putting his shoes on. To avoid an argument I sometimes agreed to allow him to go without shoes (I took them in my bag) if we went to visit Granny, on the basis that he would only have to walk to and from the car and I could carry him of necessary. I found that this made him double down on his tantrum next time I wanted him to put his shoes on when we were going somewhere that he really needed them. I think in his mind if he could sometimes go without shoes then it was clearly negotiable. When I stuck to a rule that he always had to have shoes on to leave the house it quite quickly got much better. It sounds like your DD might be similar.

I think that you are getting involved in unnecessary battles and can see why Dad says yes. Who cares about clothes in the house, tights, or jumping on the furniture (sounds fun)? My son is naked at home pretty much constantly. He likes it and it's no skin off my nose so I don't get involved. Don't sweat the small stuff.

I probably agree with you on the chocolate but just let him deal with any subsequent sickness/hyper activity.

Thank you for this, I didn’t agree with my parents hitting us but I can relate to their frustrations, I know that’s wrong and maybe I need to look into why I feel this way.

I would never harm her, I don’t have a good relationship with my mum due to the constant put downs growing up and I don’t want the same for her xx

The jumping on furniture is fun, but she’s already fallen and bumped her head and that wasn’t under my watch.

Maybe I need to stop stressing about being partially clothed in the house.

thank you xx

I think you sound overly strict and controlling too, and like you care too much about what other people think. Why you even let the neighbours or delivery people enter your thought process when disciplining her is beyond me.

If she gets cold in her desired home outfit, let her. She won’t die from feeling cold for a few hours. When you make a fuss about her needing warm clothes, it likely spurs her on to want to be rebellious. If she sees you have no reaction to her outfit, she won’t see the “fun” in disobeying you. Maybe just buy her some tempting warm clothes/blankets that she will naturally want to explore. Or put the heating on.

Delivery drivers don’t care about you or your kids. They want to drop off parcels in record time. They’re not hanging around looking at her. You can just open your door a crack to allow you to speak to them and they can’t see her. Or you could get a doorbell camera too so you don’t even need to open the door. Or just shut her in a room whilst you speak to them.

Your neighbours being judgemental? They will always be judgemental, you’re not going to win with people like that. I don’t think a lack of tights or coat will cause her actual harm so to a certain extent they’re being irrationally concerned. She’s not going to spontaneously combust.

I think you need to have a chat with him and start aligning yourself on parenting approaches. If you agree on how to tackle things in advance it won’t be as stressful in the moment.

Your response to my post speaks volumes.
You said vest and pants in the house.

You do need to think if some of this is you and you need to sit down with your dh and discuss parenting strategies.

I wouldn’t discipline a three year old by talking sternly or shouting. That kind of thing is frightening to small children, and puts you in direct opposition to her which means everything is a confrontation.

You need to hold consistent boundaries firmly but kindly. It does sound like you are being undermined by your husband if he isn’t also upholding those boundaries. I feel like you have to meet in the middle - you can acknowledge to him that the way you discipline her by being stern or shouting isn’t ideal, but it’s equally not helpful to have him refusing to uphold boundaries at all. You need to agree a consistent approach you’re both happy with between you.

MN loves to slate any parent who practises gentle parenting because “kids need consequences” and then a mum posts about having some basic rules and her husband undermines her and she’s getting told she’s too uptight!

OP I think you and your husband need to agree on some basic rules you both think are important, and then back each other up. I would be pissed if my husband constantly said yes when I said no, we’re meant to be a team.

Stop stressing about what others think and maybe try to match his energy a bit. If she wants him to change her be nonchalant say "your turn daddy, dd wants you " and go and chill out

In f it's not bothering you it will have less affect.

What the neighbours think is not relevant.

If I were you, I’d let her wear pants and vest - and I’d turn the heating down or even off.

If she’s warm enough in pants and vest why would she want to wear more layers?!!

On chocolate etc you need a united front.

I worry about people seeing her as she barges her way to the front door and chats to them, if I pull her away she’s hysterical.

Someone knocked on our door the other day and saw she was partially dressed and I could see he was uncomfortable.

Thanks for your advice and to everyone else who has posted xx

Thank you so much for this xx

Okay, so there will be aspects where you need to be firm and also aspects where you don’t need to be firm. I don’t think you’re picking the right battles. In the example you describe, her behaviour such as barging to the door and speaking to strangers is more concerning than what she is wearing. The solution isn’t more clothes, cause then she is still barging and talking to strangers but with clothes on! It sounds like people pleasing behaviour from you - you’re wanting the deliver driver to not feel uncomfortable and for them to not hear her whinging in the next room.

Ultimately there will be occasions where it is not appropriate for her to speak to whoever is at the door.

I know this is an extreme example but what if the knock on your door was someone dodgy or someone with bad news. It could be a robber, scammy salespeople, the police coming to give you bad news. Regardless of her wearing trousers, does your daughter need to always be right there at the door with you when you answer it? Does it make sense for her to always speak to whoever is at the door?

In the grand scheme of things. Her being upset at being shut in another room is okay. It’s a worthwhile boundary to learn. Grown ups can have private conversations. Frankly strangers probably find it tedious making small talk with a 3 year old whenever they drop a parcel off.

I don’t see how I can stop her from coming to the door, the postwoman and most others love talking to her.

I’ve tried shutting the porch door but she opens it and barges in.

I disagree with the whole pick your battles thing to an extent. Things like getting dressed for the day is non negotiable in my opinion, wether you are leaving the house or not. And jumping on the furniture?! Also a no from me.
You need to talk with your DH and try and make rules that you can both agree on. It is difficult sometimes with different parenting styles.

is it possible he was uncomfortable because you were reacting badly?

If her parts are covered - there is no issue. Everyone knows what little children are like. You need to learn to relax around this. It won't do your MH any good if you keep stressing about stuff like this.

No, I wasn’t reacting badly, I just asked her to stay back, he saw her in just her vest and knickers, because she pushed through to say hello, he went bright red and wasn’t making eye contact and hurried off

Thank you, I was always raised with the get dressed do your hair etc but I’m getting the impression I’m just too strict xx

then it's a him problem. She's 3 ffs

You are being undermined, there is no doubt of that. He likes to play Good Cop / Bad Cop, and guess which one he wants to be? He wants his life to be cushy and stress-free, so he is pandering to her every whim.

How often does he spend time with her? Whole days I mean, not just time in the house when you are there as well.

Perhaps what he needs is to have to wrangle her all on his own for a couple of days (and nights) when you aren't there at all. Do you have any relatives or friends who live miles away that you could go and stay with for the weekend? And perhaps you could entirely forget to do the weekly shop before you go, so he has to manhandle her around the supermarket on a Saturday...

Then dad needs to enforce this rule too. Its not appropriate for children to be at the door in underwear and parcel deliveries are taking photos of parcels at the doorstep too. Is he saying he’s comfortable with that? You need a proper talk. No-one being defensive, just talk about some ground rules. What you can let go, what’s non negotiable. Then he needs to stick to them, as it’s not fair when one parents is constantly bad cop. Kids soon learn this and god help you both later down the line as boy will she use this to her advantage. I mean she is already doing this.

He doesn’t have her for a whole day, so he has no idea, he plays with her after work and weekends we all get dragged to her classes.

I have suggested he takes her to the classes alone but he thinks we should both be going.

He does sometimes get her ready in the mornings at weekends but nothing is ever fully done from start to finish, for example he forgets to wash her face and I’m left to get her ready and to deal with the tantrums whilst he’s already downstairs sorting breakfast.

I do go into the office once a week and from what he tells me, they manage just fine.

He’s not comfortable with it but he won’t exactly tell her she mustn’t come to the door.

I do feel as parents it’s our job to ensure our child doesn’t go to the door with just a vest and knickers.

Thats what I’m worried about, she sees me as the bad one as I’m the one who is enforcing the rules,